For thinking my brother and his wife trying to take my Dad's house?

[SadANDupsetGirl]

My Dad has left his house to my brother and his wife in his will (bone of contention in the family as my Dad already gave my brother the family business and then my brother sold it, making millions of pounds, despite my Dad not wanting this to happen. My Dad was still involved in the business and used to pop in during the day, albeit not as an owner once he gave it to my brother). My Dad is a very fit and healthy 81 year old and I hope he has many years left in his home. He loves his garden and cutting his lawn and takes great pride in the house.

My brother and his wife have announced to me that they want to get an architect into my Dad's house to start drawing up house plans as they "have lots of ideas" about what they want to do with it once they get their hands on it.

I feel that they are just wanting my Dad to die!

One of their children, their 16 year old daughter, was staying with Dad last week while my brother and his wife were on holidays and this niece posted a scathing Snapchat video about my Dad about "how bad he is at cooking" and how she "had to throw her dinner into the bushes beside the patio when he wasn't looking"..all the way through laughing her head off, basically making out like my Dad is some senile imbecile. I feel like my brother and his wife are speaking ill about my Dad behind his back. My Dad isn't senile at all and is very capable and kind.

When I asked my brother why he has to bring in an architect into my Dad's house to basically plan for when my Dad is deceased, he got a bit huffy with me. I asked him why he can't just leave Dad alone and has to be doing this to him. Then he told me he's thinking of buying a small bungalow that's for sale nearby anyway. Now I am afraid he's going to try and take my Dad's house and put my Dad into the little bungalow. I always thought my Dad would be able to live in his house til the rest of his days.

My brother and his wife have a lovely house near my Dad's and millions in the bank, so I don't know what the fixation is on taking my Dad's house (Dad's house is beautiful BTW) when they could just build or buy one equally nice.

I feel that my brother and my sister in law are having no regard for my Dad, are waiting for him to die and are either going to try push him into a home or into the small bungalow they're about to buy down the road.

AIBU in being so upset about this?

Fully expecting my manipulative brother to do something similar re financial abuse re mum. He has form but he lives closer and I'm 6 hours away😔

My father in law has signed a million pound hose to my sister in law. It hurts my husband but what can we do? We are very low contact now.

I’m not sure what you are getting from this thread if you don’t want to speak to your Dad ? What can anyone else do for you ? You’re lying back and taking this and having your Dad dump his jobs on you whilst handing his money over to your Brother and he has to do nothing … You need to stand up for yourself or walk away and leave them too it .

Don’t put anything in any form of writing, anywhere, without legal advice first. Your brother will get hold of it and, if possible, use it against you. Write it for yourself, don’t deliver it, then destroy it.

Is this a family farm business OP?

Thank you and you're absolutely right. This isn't about the money for me. I am very hurt by it. I could do with some money as I have a big mortgage, bills to pay etc. but I am not going to look for it from my family. I will work for everything I have got. I watch my brother and his wife, who have reared such an insolent daughter who sees fit to to slag off her grandad publicly online behind his back when he's doing his best. I would not want my kids to be like that. I watch how they are reared and how their kids (the eldest daugher in particular) treat my own kids and I thank God that I don't have a family like theirs. So for all of their millions, I can't see it bringing them any luck. They aren't nice people and I am not blind to that. In saying all of that, I do care about my Dad and want him to enjoy his autumn years in peace without having to be thrown out of his own home, or even endure architects walking around him talking about how they'll remodel it once he's dead!

I feel your pain.

God what a horrible horrible thread. I’m so sorry OP

Are your brother, wife and niece generally unpleasant people in other regards? What a truly horrendous set of actions from them

i think some people on here are being a bit unfair (possibly) about your Dad. It sounds like he has become completely conditioned to do what he is told by wife and your brother over the years. If the genders were reversed I think this would be seen as a much more normal situation regards coercive control.

I am toying with the idea, after reading all of the replies, that I may just have a word with him..more of a warning to him than anything of what I suspect my brother is doing and to watch his back.

I’m sorry this is happening to you, completely awful parenting really. As a pp said I do think you need to ask your dad why there has been such a difference and why your brother gets everything and you and your dc nothing. See what is answer is and rest from there.

I can’t see how he is a good dad if treating you so differently to your brother. How was life for you when you were younger? Christmas, birthdays etc? I always spend exactly the same on both dc and am very conscious of treating them equally.

Also, how is your relationship with your brother? Has he shared anything so far or commented on the disparity?

Why do you care? Your parents have both made it clear they favour your brother over you, so I’d leave them all to it.

No, not a farm.

Are their cultural issues? 🙄As if white, British, Christian people/families don't behave like absolute fucking wankers all the time, as evidenced by the plethora of threads on these boards.

@SadANDupsetGirl Your late mother and brother sound like hideous human beings. Your father is an enabler. You are not prepared to fight any of this injustice within your family. And your daughter sounds scared of your niece. You will end up being used by your father/brother/DIL/niece for whatever care and support your father needs, as evidenced by his asking you to help with planting in the house that you have been disinherited from. Do yourself a big favour and walk away from the lot of them. If you don't want to lose contact with your father, find your voice. Tell him how you feel and that you will not be running yourself ragged when your rich, lazy brother gets away with doing nothing for him. Lay down some boundaries and please stop being so passive - this is not a healthy model for your children.

I'm not really sure how anyone where xns help you if your father has decided to give everything to his son because your mother wants him to have the house and he worked on the business, and you don't seem to have any issues with it because you're not driven by money, and you're unwilling to speak to your father about it because you don't want to upset him.

Given you've already accepted the fact that your brother will get the house because that's what your mother wants I don't see why you're concerned if he bringing in architects now. That's your father's cross to bear since he doesn't see anything wrong with such a one sided split of assets between his children.

Then again this story doesn't make sense and I think there's more to it or it's made up. You seem to be very blase about the fact that your father is leaving all his assets, the house and multi million pound business to your brother and nothing to you, yet you're concerned that your brother is bringing in architects to start making plans about the house you admit will be his at some point because that's what your mother wants.

Your mother's favouritism and your father's passivity have really done a number on you, OP. If you're not prepared to make some noise about this, at least don't run around after your father. What care and concern have any of them shown to you? I am sorry, you sound like a kind person but also something of a martyr.

@SadANDupsetGirlI know you’d never do that but that’s because your parents have failed you and your brother has profited from this whilst your self esteem appears to be in minus figures. Your passivity which results from this is then allowing them to do this again and again.
But it’s wrong! Fight back! Get yourself an ally. Neither of your parents deserves your kindness.

The brother is probably scheming to move father into the cheaper bungalow so that the valuable house is not swallowed up in any care fees.
But.
The local authority is very hot on winkling out deprivation of assets and will bill accordingly.
Ie ignoring the transfer.
Especially if it can be shown that there was reason to believe care would be needed maybe in the future at the time the asset was transferred.
So.
Keep those postings re how incapable father is at cooking etc.
Brother likely coached his daughter.
Hoist on his own petard.

I would warn your dad. You brother sounds like a right entitled piece of shit and his wife does for that matter disgusting. I would want my parents around forever and no amount of money would make me want otherwise. Huge Red flag!

My Dad is a very passive man. My mum was always the boss in the house. My Dad is lost without her. He would have done anything she told him to do because he loved her so much. He always worked hard throughout his life and built up his business from nothing to something very lucrative. My brother took on the running of the business in later years but my Dad was still involved.

My brother used to be ok, but he has married a woman of a different European culture who is extremely forward (one could argue rude) and demanding. Together they are a formidable pair. Very demanding, even of me. For example, my bother's wife, who never contacts me except when looking for something, recently sent me a message: Hi, my neighbour is in a play and needs a size 4 shoe for wearing on stage for a few nights. You have a small foot so can you give her some of your shoes.

There's nothing wrong with that message, but why can't the neighbour go to a cheap shop or charity shop and sort herself out. I just feel they treat me like a mug. Needless to say, I didn't give his random neighbour, whose name wasn't even mentioned in the text, any shoes!

The father laid his bed and he can lie in it.

Anyone who thinks it's fine to leave all assets including a multi million pound business and house to one child and nothing to the other child deserves whatever the greedy son does to him.

OP should not be getting involved but she seems to be conditioned to accept whatever ill treatment and continue to try to help and I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up caring for her father after the son schemes and gets him out of the house.

I don’t think you should get involved - from what you have said it’s very entrenched behaviour and will not change. You will just set yourself up as someone to rally against and dump blame on from brother and dad. You don’t have to save him from Brother and wife - as you say he is adult with full capacity. who set this pattern up along time ago and is still colluding with it for whatever reason.

you say your dad is very fit and healthy..why are you then trying to do his own “protection of himself work” when he is not protecting you

i think your saying you want to work for everything you have is something you say to yourself to avoiding addressing the hurt. It must hurt enormously to be rejected like this by both parents.

parents wills are their last word to us about the value they give us are very emotive - dismiss this at your peril

I I would step away from it all and get some therapy to process the hurt and unfairness of it all - that’s what will help you feel better about it all and cope better in the future.

you wont change their behaviour now - your mum (previously) and dad continue to favour and collude with your brother - they don’t value you and you are not valuing yourself - step away

Your dad doesn't care about upsetting you with his extremely unfair will and previous gift of his company to your brother. With so many assets and so much money, he could definitely have left something to you, but he hasn't.

I would leave them all to it. It isn't your responsibility and your dad has brought this on himself by giving or bequeathing everything to your mean and grasping brother without a thought for his daughter and her family.

I wouldn't feel any obligation to protect him after what he has done.

I don't think I've ever read such an awful post re inheritance.
I think your father has been financially abused.
I'm a senior conpany director and your brother may have committed company fraud if he didn't seek the correct permission to sell from all shareholders. If your mum was dying your father would have been at sixes and sevens.
If your father needs care he will have to pay for it and most homes in smart places start at £1000 per week. Dementia care is £1400+.
Your dad sounds bullied by the golden child! Your brother is a greedy shit.
There is inheritance tax of 40% to pay when the time comes plus the actual physical care of your father.
'A son is a son until he takes a wife and a daughter's a daughter all of your life'.
Is your SIL the nursing type? I bet she blinking isn't.
I would see a solicitor because this is cohersion and abuse of an elderly man. If he was your friends father you'd be horrified.

As already pointed out, I am not blasé about it. I am deeply upset. I can't see why anyone would make up something like this, but given you think it could be made up, that just shows me how messed up a scenario it is. I posted here as I was feeling awful about the fact that my brother is bringing in architects and possibly moving my Dad out of his home. I wanted to know if my feelings were unreasonable as I was feeling guilty and upset for feeling so negatively about it all.

ok but you have to be forthright with forthright people, you can't be passive.

Say No, your neighbour needs to look elsewhere. i would even start taking some public speaking classes to help with your confidence.

and if your dad is passive, then you can talk to him. do it constantly, highlight its unfair that he has met your mums obligations by giving the business and why is he doing this to you.

don't be aggressive, highlight that you are upset and hurt. I assume he doesn't hate you and doesn't want to hurt so keep pointing it out.

Parents can change, it is hard work but you have to keep nudging them especially when they how they're not being reasonable.

why are you feeling guilty? You cannot change this pattern..

you would be reasonable to be totally devastated and hurt about the whole thing but trying to save your dad who has no thoughts of you in this is very “rescue” like - in a bad sense

you don’t need to rescue him from himself. Save yourself