For thinking my brother and his wife trying to take my Dad's house?

[SadANDupsetGirl]

My Dad has left his house to my brother and his wife in his will (bone of contention in the family as my Dad already gave my brother the family business and then my brother sold it, making millions of pounds, despite my Dad not wanting this to happen. My Dad was still involved in the business and used to pop in during the day, albeit not as an owner once he gave it to my brother). My Dad is a very fit and healthy 81 year old and I hope he has many years left in his home. He loves his garden and cutting his lawn and takes great pride in the house.

My brother and his wife have announced to me that they want to get an architect into my Dad's house to start drawing up house plans as they "have lots of ideas" about what they want to do with it once they get their hands on it.

I feel that they are just wanting my Dad to die!

One of their children, their 16 year old daughter, was staying with Dad last week while my brother and his wife were on holidays and this niece posted a scathing Snapchat video about my Dad about "how bad he is at cooking" and how she "had to throw her dinner into the bushes beside the patio when he wasn't looking"..all the way through laughing her head off, basically making out like my Dad is some senile imbecile. I feel like my brother and his wife are speaking ill about my Dad behind his back. My Dad isn't senile at all and is very capable and kind.

When I asked my brother why he has to bring in an architect into my Dad's house to basically plan for when my Dad is deceased, he got a bit huffy with me. I asked him why he can't just leave Dad alone and has to be doing this to him. Then he told me he's thinking of buying a small bungalow that's for sale nearby anyway. Now I am afraid he's going to try and take my Dad's house and put my Dad into the little bungalow. I always thought my Dad would be able to live in his house til the rest of his days.

My brother and his wife have a lovely house near my Dad's and millions in the bank, so I don't know what the fixation is on taking my Dad's house (Dad's house is beautiful BTW) when they could just build or buy one equally nice.

I feel that my brother and my sister in law are having no regard for my Dad, are waiting for him to die and are either going to try push him into a home or into the small bungalow they're about to buy down the road.

AIBU in being so upset about this?

Why don't you go and see your dad anyhow.
Quite apart from the contentious issues te money etc.
Just go and see him to show affection support regard.
He sounds very vulnerable emotionally. He is bereaved.
Just go to be with him.
You don't have to discuss anything.
Let him take the lead.
Bring him some nice nibbles.
All the best.

And again you're more upset about your brother bringing in architects and possibly moving your father out than the unfair and mean decisions by your parents to give your brother all the assets and nothing to you, and that's why I said you are being very blasé about this. You've already admitted he is getting the house "because that's what your mother wants" so I don't see why you're getting upset about the architects.

If your father doesn't see anything wrong with the decisions he has made then he needs to live with the consequences of those decisions which may include your brother finding a way to get him out of the house.

You've made excuses for your father and try to claim it's your mother that is the bad one and your father is just a meek docile man but I find it hard to accept that he is just a simple man with no sense of right or wrong, who cannot think for himself. He really can't see his wrong it is that all their assets are given to their son and their daughter is left out? No he doesn't get a pass, he is as guilty as your mother.

And you also need to be more assetive with your brother and his wife and probably keep them at arms length and if not cut them off. Stop pandering to her and her demands, what is she going to do? Coerce your father to cut you out of the will?

What do you feel guilt about? You’re not doing anything to him. That’s a very strange dynamic; your parents have screwed you, cut you and your kids out, your brother then behaves in an even more entitled way… yet you’re the one feeling guilty?

You’re the only one who hasn’t done anything wrong. In fact, you’re doing the opposite; you still care and you still try to help. When really, that’s wrong. You should be laying out how you feel, what they’ve done and telling your dad that whatever he needs, he can ask your brother. You won’t be helping because he’s made it clear that he doesn’t see you as family, just as a skivvy.

You feel guilt? They’ve really done a number on you. I’m guessing that when growing up, you had chores and responsibilities and got in trouble whilst your brother got “boys will be boys.”

Architects can only come to his house if he let's them in, until your dad either stands up,to your brother, your brother is reported for abuse or you dad has a change of mind there's no point in worrying about ifs and buts, your dad could sell his house and buy a flat near you if he wanted to, he's not legally bound to honour your late mums wishes, if he's vulnerable then help him and get your brother reported, there's nothing else you can do.

It sounds like you've been conditioned to put your family's feelings ahead of your own. Bluntly, they don't give a sh*t about yours.

I get it. It's a similar dynamic in my family. My sister is the 'golden child' who's waiting for my stepdad to die so she can get her hands on his money via my mum, who has never been able to say no to her. She has been gatekeeping mum for years to this effect and I am bracing myself for some kind of financial abuse to happen once my stepdad dies (he has cancer). But on the other hand - it kind of isn't my problem. I was kicked out of home and left to fend for myself at 17, and my sister has had hundreds of thousands off my parents since then. I think they once paid a phone bill for me when I was about 24! It's a strange thing because I am the popular one outside the family circle, and my sister is virtually friendless, but my mum has always said she 'doesn't understand me' because of my 'dark side.' I'm pretty sure I don't have a dark side. I have always thought of myself as Cordelia in King Lear - the dutiful daughter who gets overlooked in favour of the greedy grasping but showy ones.

I don't have the answers as I am still trying to work through/process my own situation. BUT your concern for your dad is misplaced - I can see that much. He has made his own bed and can lie on it. He's handed millions to your brother and if you're lucky you'll get what's left from £150K after his care fees (so probably nothing). How can he be OK with this - and how can you be? You are a good person, but it's OK not to take care of people who wouldn't do the same for you.

I agree. He isn’t the innocent man you think:
He built a multi million pound business. He is not a meek, docile man with no idea what’s going on and no sense of the disparity. He’s got a brain. He just doesn’t want to apply it to you, @SadANDupsetGirl.

Stop feeling guilty or responsible for him.

You sound quite masochistic OP. Both of your parents have treated you horribly by favouring your brother who has then treated them both dreadfully but you are bending over backwards to absolve them of any blame. You seem to think that it is your responsibility to protect them from the results of their own actions. People aren't coming up with ways for your to help your dad because we all think that he pretty much deserves it.

Most people on here wouldn't dream of treating one child so cruelly by giving/leaving them absolutely nothing and leaving all their assets/wealth to their other child.

OP, everything is wrong with her message. The CF!

I came to leave a message of strength and resilience. My family turned into absolute vultures on the death of a beloved relative, and I wanted no part of any of it. She was picked clean, and it revolted me. I have no expectations for any inheritance. And that's where I leave it.

Your situation feels so grossly unfair. Your head seems held high, and I applaud you.

Can you get legal advice on the video though? That is abhorrent behaviour, and needs to be nipped in the bud and not tolerated in any way shape or form. I am fuming on you and your fathers behalf!

It just occurred to me that your brother thinks the house is his, because the it came as a result of the business? Is that were his head is, do you think?

Thanks. That's what I do.

Your mum wanted your brother to have the house, they also saw brother worthy of a business worth millions. At no point they thought about you and you are feeling bad for your dad. Your dad has enabled your brother.

You are not money driven. But this money can be used for your old age, for your children's education or for living in a nice house in nice neighbourhood. Or if you have everything sorted, then for whatever extra confort money can bring you and your family, vacations etc.

Thanks. I like your Cordelia comparison. Sorry to hear you're going through similar. I do find it helpful to read of others in my situation.

Of course your brother must get half of the £300k. It would be unfair otherwise. That's sarcasm btw. Your family dynamics are so fucked up, it's almost unbelievable.

From a totally amateur armchair psychologist standpoint it sounds like you have mirrored your father to a large degree - possibly your brother has too.

Your father did exactly what his wife told him as he loved her so much and didn’t want to upset or or cause any issues with disagreeing

you are doing exactly what (you think) your father wants (though actually it doesn’t sound like her has made an active, personal decision himself) because you love him so much and don’t want to upset him or cause issues

(possibly) your brother has married someone with a similar personality and ‘strength of opinion’ as your mum and is now becoming your father!

If you do not let you father know you are hurt by this entire debacle, including the architect plans etc, how is he to know? So far he is keeping everyone happy as far as he knows. To anyone outside the situation it might seem obviously horrendous but that doesn’t mean he realises this. Would be not be upset to know you’re really unhappy and worried about things and he has no idea?

One day you will regret it and will have huge resentment towards your parents and they won't be able to change anything at that time. Talk to your passive father now, maybe he needs to be reminded that his other child is a thinking, feeling human too.

Edited because just saw you have kids.

Surely you could contest the will in this situation? Not being left ANYTHING doesn’t seem fair at all ?!

Just wanted to add an idea.
When you see him soon just casually ask out right for a fair share of inheritance.

Do it calmly, do it clearly and offer to help take him to the solicitor to get the will changed. The solicitor could even come to you.

Your brother has had his share. There's absolutely nothing wrong in asking for a fair share.

Your kids might go to uni and that's not cheap. Why should the brother and his family get so much and you nothing?

Money itself has no feelings. Money dosent care where it ends up. Ask for your fair share.

It's also unfair to your children, who are as much grandchildren of your father as your
brother's children. It's commedable that you care so much for your father despite him favouring your brother but honestly you are being a mug.

Hi, I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation. It is almost unbelievably cruel to you and your children.

I know you don't want to rock the boat by challenging anything but I think you have to speak to your dad before it is too late as it sounds like he will be forced out of his home by your brother and his wife and they will definitely leave all the care of your father to you, to the detriment of you and your family.

You need to protect your dad and his assets, his house and any savings, in order for him to pay for any care he needs in the future, not letting him gift it to your brother so they can benefit financially even more than they have already.

You need to be the voice of reason here, not just for your own sake, but your father's. If he listened to your mum who bossed him around, then maybe you could channel her a bit and make him see what's best for him (and hopefully fairer to you)?

Good luck and I hope it works out.

Your parents are foul for this. I’d speak to your dad and ask why brother is inheriting twice and you get nothing!! He got MILLIONS! Wake up! Your kids are going to get nothing whilst his will be set for life. If you have no backbone for yourself have one for your kids at least. Your mother presumably didn’t know your twat brother was going to sell the business and start trying to get your dad out his own home. This is disgusting. Wake up! If your dad puts the home in your name your grabby brother will have to fuck off and your dad can keep living there in peace. Seriously wake up. Why post here if you won’t have a backbone to even do anything anyway

This is great advice above OP.

I'd have the conversation with your dad now. Let him know your full feelings if being left out like this, & the resentments this will likely impose on you & your family going forwards if he proceeds this way.

Your DB & SIL & their child all sound horrible & vile. Cut them out of your life as much as possible now. Bare pleasantries only going forwards.

Do everything in your persuasive power to get your dad not to let the architects in, not to bequeath his house to this entitled ah & SIL, to not get kicked out of his own home prematurely, and to restore some sort of parity & fairness in his will. This is only right & fair. Let him know you are not OK about this at all.

(Speaking to a trusted friend of his may be a good idea if this conversation alone doesn't work. ).

This is real life OP. Do grow a backbone, do protect your emotions, but also do go to bat for yourself, your kids, your dad and a sense of fairness for all going into the future.

Good luck OP.

Sorry you’re going through this OP.

I’m in a similar situation, my brother convinced my parents to sell the family home and use the money to build a house on his land.

Five years later, brother said he needs the property for his kids and has bought a property locally for my parent to live rent free in.

My parents have since renovated the property like it’s their own, with their money. I kept telling them it’s not their property, why are they using their money to renovate someone else’s house? All falls on deaf ears.

Unfortunately, my parents are not the smartest of people and are easily led. I’m low contact for a number of reasons with only monthly phone calls and no contact with my brother. I just hope that they’ve provisioned for care fees etc.

To be honest, it’s all out of my control so I try not to think about it too much, but sad to see others experiencing similar situations.

Kindly your father chose to give the business to your brother. It was then your brother's business to do as he saw fit. It was not sold from under your Dad. It wasn't your Dad's at that stage.

Also kindly as possible your mother chose to want to leave the house to your brother but your father is also choosing to do the same. His choice - not your mother's.

Your niece is being unkind and I would call her out and bring it up with her parents that itbis unacceptable and unkind behaviour.

As regards the plans then if your father is happy for them to draw up plans and even get planning permission in place then so be it. Anyone can apply for planning on any property even if they don't own it - bizarre I know - but that's the case.

Frankly it is your father that is treating you far more shabbily than your brother is treating his dad.

Talk to him about feeling hurt and not valued by them and also that your brother's kids will benefit so much while your kids would one day be able to see the unfairness by their grandparents, see what he says.
If outcome is still the same, you know he does not give a shit about your feelings and then you can maintain a decent distance and let his family (son - your mother wanted to keep the house in famiky, and only son was considered the family) take care of him.

So she has to be worrying about dads feelings when nobody gives a shit about hers

He doesn’t seem bothered about upsetting you, not leaving you anything at all; why are his feelings more important than yours?