For thinking my brother and his wife trying to take my Dad's house?

[SadANDupsetGirl]

My Dad has left his house to my brother and his wife in his will (bone of contention in the family as my Dad already gave my brother the family business and then my brother sold it, making millions of pounds, despite my Dad not wanting this to happen. My Dad was still involved in the business and used to pop in during the day, albeit not as an owner once he gave it to my brother). My Dad is a very fit and healthy 81 year old and I hope he has many years left in his home. He loves his garden and cutting his lawn and takes great pride in the house.

My brother and his wife have announced to me that they want to get an architect into my Dad's house to start drawing up house plans as they "have lots of ideas" about what they want to do with it once they get their hands on it.

I feel that they are just wanting my Dad to die!

One of their children, their 16 year old daughter, was staying with Dad last week while my brother and his wife were on holidays and this niece posted a scathing Snapchat video about my Dad about "how bad he is at cooking" and how she "had to throw her dinner into the bushes beside the patio when he wasn't looking"..all the way through laughing her head off, basically making out like my Dad is some senile imbecile. I feel like my brother and his wife are speaking ill about my Dad behind his back. My Dad isn't senile at all and is very capable and kind.

When I asked my brother why he has to bring in an architect into my Dad's house to basically plan for when my Dad is deceased, he got a bit huffy with me. I asked him why he can't just leave Dad alone and has to be doing this to him. Then he told me he's thinking of buying a small bungalow that's for sale nearby anyway. Now I am afraid he's going to try and take my Dad's house and put my Dad into the little bungalow. I always thought my Dad would be able to live in his house til the rest of his days.

My brother and his wife have a lovely house near my Dad's and millions in the bank, so I don't know what the fixation is on taking my Dad's house (Dad's house is beautiful BTW) when they could just build or buy one equally nice.

I feel that my brother and my sister in law are having no regard for my Dad, are waiting for him to die and are either going to try push him into a home or into the small bungalow they're about to buy down the road.

AIBU in being so upset about this?

Does it not annoy you that your brother has manipulated your dad and still stands to get the house? Surly you should want to at least speak to your dad about it rather then both of you burying your head in the sand ?

You said your dad didn’t want to sell the business so you could broach it from that angle as surly your mum wouldn’t want your brother to have the house still had she known that your brother was going to sell the family business straight away?

I feel like you are trying to not let this bother you, count your blessings etc but I think you will regret not even trying to speak to your dad about it.

Something like this used to be very common in my Indian culture and still is in some families. For this reason, there are so many middle age siblings with broken relationships.

I was wondering if op is from same culture as mine.

So why are posting ? Tbh you have two choices, let this continue, you will feel upset , or speak up to your dad in a calm manner because this whole situation is incredibly unfair on you

Forgot to add to my post re my father in law leaving his house to my sister in law and his reason was I've got my mum's inheritance coming 😒🙄sis in law is a single parent 🤦‍♂️

Honestly people are so greedy it's disgusting ! My mother used to tell my Nan she couldn't choose what carpet she wanted because the house would be hers soon anyway 🤢 things like that. It's very distressing I really feel for you.

So your brother was gifted a ready made career while you made your own in outside world like us ordinary people.

There's nothing wrong with that message, but why can't the neighbour go to a cheap shop or charity shop and sort herself out. I just feel they treat me like a mug.

There is a hell of a lot wrong with that message he sent you op, it’s treating you like shit on your shoe. If I were your dh I’d be furious, and I’d say I have very little support for you helping your dad out, but I’m happy to call your brother and say your dad wants this, <op> is upset as she can’t do it with work etc, you should do it. Bye.
I’d also suggest I read all your brothers messages and only tell her about relevant stuff. So the shoes message I’d just reply for you if I were your dh: No. don’t send me any more pushy rude requests for me to help your random neighbours.

So your dad avoids drama and so do you. But your dad is being bullied by your brother. I would have to ask him how he feels about your brother moving him out of his house as that’s what’s going to happen. I don’t think your brother can legally do this while your dad is alive?! Your brother sounds greedy have you ever asked your dad why you have been treated so differently? I know I would be fuming it must be hurtful why should you have to work so hard in life while your brother spends your parents money.

I hope this thread gives op some courage to speak up. This thread has been triggering for me. I didn't want to out this but my mother was like OP very proud about her values, but she was on mim wage and my father was alcoholic, while her father was rich and gave loads to his financially well off son but very luttle to daughter as daughters are not same family once they marry.
My mum's annoys me when she brags about her not being greedy.
I think op's children are in better situation but hope they never question op's decision to stay silent in future. I am leaving. Need to get on with work now 😊
Will ping later to see op's response. Good luck.

This is just so bafflingly unfair.

I think I'd drop in a few comments in passing to your Dad that your brother mentioned buying a bungalow in the village. Then say "you know you don't have to agree to anything that you don't want to do. If anyone tries to make you do something you don't want to you can always come to me for support. I won't make a big drama but I'll be in your corner and help you work out what to do" then change the subject. It sounds like he won't want to talk it out but I'd want him to know that I'd be there for him if your brother pushes him too far (not that he especially deserves it for how he has/is treating you but I get that he is in a vulnerable position and there's a lot of backstory with your mum etc).

I'd also put in some decent boundaries re: care/help eg with the flower pots, you could say "I'd love to drop in and help and spend a bit of time with you, Dad. I've got 2 hours on Saturday afternoon to help you get started but beyond that, you'll need to get brothers help or find a gardener/employ someone to help. Work and DC are just so full on at the moment I need to make sure I don't spread myself too thinly".

OP - could you ask your dad for a share of the house to go to your DC? I know you are nervous of a family feud but it looks like you are going low contact with your brother and his family so is there really that much to lose by asking?

This is a very similar situation to me. Sorry you are going through this.

No, sorry OP but there is being passive and accepting and then there is being a doormat. You say you would not like to upset your dad - the same dad who clearly doesn’t give a s* about upsetting you. It is not about money, I respect you for that, but it should be about respect - respecting yourself. Your father is an exceptionally bad parent for treating you as though you are worthless. Your brother is a bad brother for going along with it. Again, your brother has no issues upsetting your father by selling the business and your father seems to have had no issue with your brother treating him badly. Personally I could not let this lie. I would speak to my father, express my concerns about his future wellbeing and then state for my own wellbeing i would be taking a big step back from his life. He has demonstrated by his actions that he considers me, and his grandchildren by me, to be utterly unworthy of his respect and to be treated with contempt. I cannot be around people like that in my life. He is passing on the house as that was your mother’s desire and he loved her. What about love for you? Where does he factor that in? Actions have consequences. Actions of ‘very passive’ people (who btw have no issue taking actions as long as they only disadvantage you) have consequences.

Hi, no, I am not Indian.

Yep

Yeh I know. I was taken aback by it, but not surprised. She's very rude to me a lot like that.

I think sometimes I tell myself I am okay with this all as a survival mechanism, because in reality I know it is terribly unfair and cruel. That's why I'd never ever do it to my own kids. But if I dwell on this and become super angry and resentful, then I will only anger myself...and nothing is going to change anyway :(

I am going to call over to my Dad tonight and see if I can initiate a conversation about this - maybe as a head's-up...and see what his wishes are. I wonder would it be legal to record the conversation or would I need to ask him. In case I needed it for in the future if I did need to present it to a court or anything.

I agree and am equally baffled, unless one of the children is a drug addict or has a gambling issue or similar. It's gut wrenchingly cruel and the emotional implications can be lifelong.

I could on many occasions have walked away with my parents money, but I didn’t. Greedy bro & sis did though. It was never about the money, it was what they did to my parents that broke me.

A decent sibling would share. But your brother sounds as bad as your mother. I only hope you can have a chat with your dad about the hurt you’re going through. Although he doesn’t sound like he’s in a good place with his grief. I’d suspect he’s being bullied into this. Just like your mother bullied your dad into it.

I agree with this. You have to say something because otherwise this shit show is going to turn really bad and you are going to blame yourself for having stood by and let it happen.

In your place I wouldn't say anything. Your dad is of sound mind and has made his decision. It's wrong and unfair to leave a business and a house to one child, but there is nothing you can do.

To be clear, I don't think you should blame yourself - just that you sound like you probably would do. At least if you've said something that will be some comfort.

One would assume that Golden Balls was remunerated appropriately when he worked for the firm so being given it was on top of that, not as a consolation prize!

YANBU to be upset by what your brother's wanting to do. In fact, you're very good to still want to take care of your father, considering the circumstances.

I always find it interesting how beneficiaries amongst siblings don't share their good fortune with the siblings who've been overlooked. How a parent can actually leave a child out of their will is baffling to me.

Hope your brother sees your point of view.