For thinking my brother and his wife trying to take my Dad's house?

[SadANDupsetGirl]

My Dad has left his house to my brother and his wife in his will (bone of contention in the family as my Dad already gave my brother the family business and then my brother sold it, making millions of pounds, despite my Dad not wanting this to happen. My Dad was still involved in the business and used to pop in during the day, albeit not as an owner once he gave it to my brother). My Dad is a very fit and healthy 81 year old and I hope he has many years left in his home. He loves his garden and cutting his lawn and takes great pride in the house.

My brother and his wife have announced to me that they want to get an architect into my Dad's house to start drawing up house plans as they "have lots of ideas" about what they want to do with it once they get their hands on it.

I feel that they are just wanting my Dad to die!

One of their children, their 16 year old daughter, was staying with Dad last week while my brother and his wife were on holidays and this niece posted a scathing Snapchat video about my Dad about "how bad he is at cooking" and how she "had to throw her dinner into the bushes beside the patio when he wasn't looking"..all the way through laughing her head off, basically making out like my Dad is some senile imbecile. I feel like my brother and his wife are speaking ill about my Dad behind his back. My Dad isn't senile at all and is very capable and kind.

When I asked my brother why he has to bring in an architect into my Dad's house to basically plan for when my Dad is deceased, he got a bit huffy with me. I asked him why he can't just leave Dad alone and has to be doing this to him. Then he told me he's thinking of buying a small bungalow that's for sale nearby anyway. Now I am afraid he's going to try and take my Dad's house and put my Dad into the little bungalow. I always thought my Dad would be able to live in his house til the rest of his days.

My brother and his wife have a lovely house near my Dad's and millions in the bank, so I don't know what the fixation is on taking my Dad's house (Dad's house is beautiful BTW) when they could just build or buy one equally nice.

I feel that my brother and my sister in law are having no regard for my Dad, are waiting for him to die and are either going to try push him into a home or into the small bungalow they're about to buy down the road.

AIBU in being so upset about this?

Re the house and business going to your brother, if he is the “eldest son” then that used to be the normal/common thing to do and probably still is in many cultures, so I would try not to take it personally. Your brother treating your Dad so badly is obviously a very different matter. How about Citizens advice bureau for some advice? Maybe some legal advice too, see if there’s anything you can do to protect your Dad? Perhaps he is a “victim” of your Mum and now your brother and his wife.

Yes also get him nibbles

You're making excuses for your dad. He may have a more passive personality, but he is still your dad, a parent, and he is still accountable for the choices he makes in how he treats you.
As for your SiL, tell her to fuck off, seriously. You owe her absolutely nothing. Please also don't fall into the trap of putting all male behaviour on the shoulders of women. Women are not responsible for how your dad and brother treat you.

I always fume when I hear of an elderly widowed parent remarrying and leaving everything to their new spouse, and nothing to their children. In your case, however, it would be rather wonderful if your father found love again with someone happy to look after him, and who then inherited the lot (cutting your greedy brother out, and with you no worse off).

Your brother and his family sound appalling, and given that the above probably won’t happen, in your position I wouldn’t be able to stay quiet in the face of such inequality and blatant favouritism.

I would attempt one conversation with your father, saying it is now a few months since your Mum died and asking what is wishes would be for the future, would he want to live on in that house, would he want nursing at home. You could record his reply or help him to get a living will drawn up. It is not an unreasonable thing to do at his age, it gives you a way in to seeing what he says about the house. I would make sure that others in the slightly wider family knew what he had said. After that I would keep seeing him but withdraw emotionally a bit.

Well it seems that you care far more about your dad's feelings than he does about yours OP. You certainly know your place in the family.

Examine your motivation deeper.

Why are you chasing around , worrying about a man who clearly doesn't give a shit ,or a crap about you .
They clearly raised you to have absolutely no self worth or self belief
What are you demonstrating to your children by this situation
You are saying
Treat me like shit ,walk all over me ,and still I will be the loving mother /daughter.
Is that the message you want your daughter to take from this ,do you want her to let men treat her like this ,..don't you want to set her a good example.
Your as bad as your dad ,you can't stand up to him ,in case you upset him ,he couldn't stand up to your mum in case he upset her ...and so the generation trauma continues to the next generation and onwards

Op, I already wrote a few posts on this thread because I have seen this dynamic in my extended family many times. Usually the accepting adult child becomes resentful a few years later. It is very unfair and is not a one time thing.
You would hate it when you would not be invited in this house, which has always been your parents house and you have some memories. There are a lot of things you may hate about this in future, so listen to posters and atleast talk to your dad. Not many people have this privilege, what if your kids ask you one day, why didnt you ask for your right to make their lives a bit easier?

No passive man can make a multi million business from scratch. He is not thoughtful.

Indeed!

You need to speak with your Dad for your children’s sake.
Youre almost being a bit of a martyr here saying how hard you work for your money etc. that’s really great but we wouldn’t judge you as a non-hard worker if you got fair inheritance that would set up your children for their future.

youre already in the worst situation eg no inheritance, being mugged off by family. So even if your dad doesn’t change the will- there is no change. But you tried ALL you could for your children. You do then a disservice by pretending you’re taking the high ground here. I know it’s going to be hurtful and a massive rejection if your dad continues. But better to know.

id sit down an give him facts and open questions eg
‘why is the will completely one sided that brother got x from business (wages and sell value) and house value for his child and my children get nothing?
he’s had the value of the house this many times over, don’t you think the house should go to my children to live in?’

some real frank questions. Good luck.

Seems like you get on well with your dad. Why is he giving everything to your brother & nothing to you?
id be speaking to him about your brothers behaviour I know it’ll upset him, but he deserves to know especially while he’s still in a good mindset.

OP it doesn't matter if it upsets your dad. Both he and your mum have made an unfair decision, favouring on child is just toxic.

Your DB has sold the business now so why does he need the house?

How is what you are doing fair on your daughter
When she sees her cousins enjoying the wealth from your parents and she has to struggle in life ,no nice car when she passed her test ,no deposit for a flat ,no uni fees paid ..yet your brothers children have it all
Because you couldn't fight for what was rightly hers
You might be happy with the scraps from your parents table
But when your daughter sees the lifestyle her cousins will have in years to come ,when the wealth is passed on ..Do not assume she will be ok with your choices

You're obviously following your Father for being passive and your brother follows your Mother in being bossy. If I was in your shoes I wouldn't take this lying down. You must be upset about this otherwise you wouldn't have posted. Why shouldn't your Father be upset for causing all of this? Even if you don't get anywhere don't be a martyr.

I wouldn't be surprised if your horrible brother started on the 'improvements' while your father's still alive expecting him to pay for them! If you have a family solicitor then maybe you need to speak to them about your father's financial well-being, he may take advice better from an outsider, especially a male outsider!

You said your dad is easily lead which is a very kind way of putting it. If thats how he is, why aren't you trying to lead him in a direction that's safer for his future and fairer for your family? Is your brother the active one who challenges (like your mum) and your dad is the passive one who chooses to keep the peace at all costs (like you)? Seems to me like you are all behaving in very familiar and ingrained ways, so of course you will get very familiar results. If you want something different you will have to behave differently. It may be the tiny rock that pushes the whole family onto a better path.

Absolutely speak to dad. Get legal advice before doing so, if suggesting putting anything in your name. Understand the implications. Suggest he does it through a lawyer (not just a will-writer) so he understands them too.

Have you been raised to believe you're a second class citizen compared to your brother? I can't think of another reason for you being so passive about all of this!

I think this is a classic case of people acting out their designated family roles forever. And then raising their kids to do the same (e.g. people pleasing daughter not showing the Snapchat to grandad because she doesnt want to rock the boat with pushy cousin).

If OP's father dies within seven years of giving the business to his son, won't there be gift-related Inheritance Tax implications for his estate, not to mention Capital Gains liability on the house? I ask as an utter ignoramus on such things!

That niece will reap financial benefits not op's children. It's so unfair but OP does not feel as strong about this as she does about upsetting her unfair father.

You are treating your Dad with much more respect, care and concern for his interests than he has done for you.
Either leave them all to it or stop being so passive
You aren't getting the house anyway so why do you care if your Dad moves out of it now or anytime. If he has a different house maybe he will leave it to you when he dies anyway so this could work in your favour

I think a gentle word with your dad might be good. I know you don't want to cause him pain but that will happen anyway if he sees his son try to run him out of his house.