For thinking my brother and his wife trying to take my Dad's house?

[SadANDupsetGirl]

My Dad has left his house to my brother and his wife in his will (bone of contention in the family as my Dad already gave my brother the family business and then my brother sold it, making millions of pounds, despite my Dad not wanting this to happen. My Dad was still involved in the business and used to pop in during the day, albeit not as an owner once he gave it to my brother). My Dad is a very fit and healthy 81 year old and I hope he has many years left in his home. He loves his garden and cutting his lawn and takes great pride in the house.

My brother and his wife have announced to me that they want to get an architect into my Dad's house to start drawing up house plans as they "have lots of ideas" about what they want to do with it once they get their hands on it.

I feel that they are just wanting my Dad to die!

One of their children, their 16 year old daughter, was staying with Dad last week while my brother and his wife were on holidays and this niece posted a scathing Snapchat video about my Dad about "how bad he is at cooking" and how she "had to throw her dinner into the bushes beside the patio when he wasn't looking"..all the way through laughing her head off, basically making out like my Dad is some senile imbecile. I feel like my brother and his wife are speaking ill about my Dad behind his back. My Dad isn't senile at all and is very capable and kind.

When I asked my brother why he has to bring in an architect into my Dad's house to basically plan for when my Dad is deceased, he got a bit huffy with me. I asked him why he can't just leave Dad alone and has to be doing this to him. Then he told me he's thinking of buying a small bungalow that's for sale nearby anyway. Now I am afraid he's going to try and take my Dad's house and put my Dad into the little bungalow. I always thought my Dad would be able to live in his house til the rest of his days.

My brother and his wife have a lovely house near my Dad's and millions in the bank, so I don't know what the fixation is on taking my Dad's house (Dad's house is beautiful BTW) when they could just build or buy one equally nice.

I feel that my brother and my sister in law are having no regard for my Dad, are waiting for him to die and are either going to try push him into a home or into the small bungalow they're about to buy down the road.

AIBU in being so upset about this?

If you’re not going to talk to your dad then your only choice is to step back and let your brother’s plans happen. You need to detach and accept that your parents chose your brother over you and know what he’s like yet won’t change their plans. Yes, they will probably move your dad out, do up the house and sell/rent it out but they are clearly ok with their favourite child doing that.

You can’t expect people who have never gone against your brother to do it now. You should be emotionally protecting yourself and repeating the mantra that they chose this path and detach even though deep down you know that their favouritism is unfair.

I guess whatever is left out of half of £300k once my dad has expended nursing care etc in his old age. My brother gets half the £300k too.

Good God OP, find your back bone. Your parents have both treated you terribly, they're deeply misogynistic, and you don't want to upset HIM? Not only that but then you're hand wringing about your brothers entitlement - they raised him to be entitled, your father can now accept the consequences of that, it's not down to you to save him from his own awful parenting.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I'm heart broken for you, this is such a disgusting way from them to have treated you. X

You have hit the nail on the head. My brother doesn't work anymore and lives off the millions. He always complains he is "so busy" though, which makes me laugh. My father wanted me to do all of his flower pots around the house (like about 50 of them) and I work full time. I can't understand why my brother and his wife won't do them!

Very good advice. Thanks

Thanks, yes, I do need to grow a back bone.

I understand your feelings but our parents are horrible. They basically have completely favoured your brother who is so entitled he doesn't even see how greedy he is and how unfair this is. I know feelings with parents can be complicated but please get some therapy and me, I'd see a lawyer. Fuck them.

I HATE behaviour like this.

Your parents and brother don't deserve your love. I don't care if your mother is dead - she was a bitch to you and did the full golden child thing with your brother.

Go LC and concentrate on those who do value you.

They all sound absolutely dreadful and I'd just let them all get on with it. Your father has made his bed.

Your parents have treated you abominably in favouring your brother the way they have. You are wasting your emotions and efforts on people who don't feel any concern for you in return.

My honest advice would be to seek some really good quality therapy, to detach from your father and brother beyond very superficial pleasantries (if you feel you want to stay in contact at all) and then just focus all your energy on your own family where you can have positive influence and hopefully you are valued and treasured.

OP you have a great attitude and you're handling this incredibly well. This could have the effect of chewing people up and causing huge resentments but you're not letting it.

I'd be massively hurt if my parents did this to me especially if you have your own children.

If there is no scope to change the result I would step back and just let it be. It has really nothing to do with you.

Why would they when muggins (you) will do whatever your told to do?

In that case, you have no grounds for objecting to your brother doing all this. I'm amazed that you still have love for your father when it sounds like you are not the favourite child and are going to get nothing!

If this happened in my family, I'm not sure I could get over it.

Well if you can’t speak to your DF about it, then there is nothing you can do. 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely this. I can understand that it's very hard to untangle love for a family member from actions that are hurtful, but this is someone who is too weak to treat his kids fairly.

The one positive out of all of this is that I would never do this to my own two children and I have my will 50% down the line for each of them. I would never want either of them to feel the way I do, so I am taking this as a learning experience. Thanks

You think that favourite child was asked ? 😂

Your parents see it as your responsibility as your brother is “so busy”

Then his solicitor, accountant and bank should have intervened at the time, if he was and is being coerced and is vulnerable you can report your brother for financial and emotional abuse, knowing that he was in no fit state to sign over a business while his wife was dying then I'm surprised and disappointed that he's agreed to give the house away too, does he not feel he is being manipulated. I'd just step away.

This is disgusting. If he has no wider sensible friends or family you could get to have a talk with him, I would have one conversation with your dad raising the topic of financial abuse (past and future) and advising him to get impartial legal advice to protect himself from being forced out of his own house. Then I would tell him I can’t watch him making bad decisions and being treated this way (being made fun of online is repulsive!!) and will be keeping my distance to protect my own peace of mind. Then do that 💐

Your neice sounds vile, i'd be sending the video to her parents, as well as a cookery book for teens

This is completely outrageous..
And on the face of it, really sexist.. Why... Just why?!?

OK so your bro worked in the business and has already massively benefited by selling it. So he's already 'quids in' (horrid term but it fits here.!)

Did your mum, or does your dad have ANY idea of your finances...?? Personally I'd risk 'rocking the boat '...

Your dad may believe all sorts about your financial situation?? (Probably generated by your brother..." Oh don't worry about @SadANDupsetGirl ,shes loaded..!")

Even if You are not that motivated by money... Surely you'd like your children to have an equitable amount to their cousins?

And it sounds a considerable amount that your brother is happy to coerce your dad out of leaving to you /your kids....

It sounds though your dad loves you 👍... Just one sentence may tell you.. :

'dad is there a reason I and my kids aren't inheriting?' and see what he says?? (I'd also ask him not to mention this convo to your brother.)

Even if it was your mother's wish... Wouldn't she like your kids to perhaps live in it one day /have benefit??

Think hard about this!!

The time to act is now... Before your brother influences him any more...!!

This has happened to at least 3 families I know... With varying consequences...

Hello op, I just wanted to add my voice to concur with others that you have been badly let down by your Mother, Father and Brother.

It's terribly unfair. And yet also it sounds like you have a good life, a good job and are a good person.

I appreciate you care for your dad, but I think he doesn't merit more care, compassion or time than you give to yourself. I guess what I'm saying is, prioritise you.

This means not doing all the pots, not spending hours worrying about him, and accepting that your clearly intelligent & capable parents made their own choices, and they therefore have to live with them.

(I too have had a complex family dynamic and found talking therapy with a humanistic therapist extremely helpful. I had to go through several phases of anger, but then have come out the other side more content to pursue my own life goals, and I am happier than ever).

Best of luck

@SadANDupsetGirlI'd write your father a letter - explaining how you feel. Might change the outcome, might not. At least it's off your chest before he dies. Don't hang onto the pain, tell him.

Also your brother is a grabby arsehole - is there a reason he dislikes you so much? Also your SIL Also to blame! Who marries a man like this!!

Thanks. Yes, my poor daughter doesn't want him to know about the online video, because my niece (her cousin) will come for her if she knows my daughter told on her. So my Dad doesn't know about the online video. Good advice re: the legal advice. It will be hard to get him to agree to anything. He is very passive and won't want the hassle or to make any changes.

No doubt your DB, the golden child, will expect you to take care of your DF when his health starts to decline. I have seen this behaviour in my own family.

Yes, I am more upset for my kids than myself to be honest. My brother's 2 kids will be multi millionaires in their own right, presuming he gives them some of his money.
Myself and DH aren't wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. Don't get me wrong - we are comfortable and can enjoy a holiday every year etc. but we work unbelievably hard for all we have got.

Thanks for sharing and it's good that therapy worked for you. I might consider it. Thanks.