Aibu to not know how to help my immature 15 year old

[PinkChaires]

To preface she is on the pathway to get diagnosed with ASD.
my 15f year 10 dd is quite immature. She often acts like a child of 8/9 imo. She gets very easily overwhelmed, and when this happens she either cries or screams/shouts something. She still watches very childish shows eg my little pony from childhood, and hasnt really progressed past this stage. She speaks very loudly all of the time and will only get upset if you tell her to stop. She feels guilt all of the time, but this manifests as her repeatedly going to the person to tell her feels or saying sorry repeatedly. She basically cannot regulate emotions. She often listens to music and walks around the room speaking to herself. She is a very kind person overall, but it has to be obvious- meaning that sometimes she can be quite selfish. (Eg she doesn’t get being considerate). This has gotten better, but she still sometimes interacts with people by just playfully hugging them etc. she often misses social cues/norms. This has come to a head as tonight alot of her friends have told her they dont want to be friends anymore😢 and unfortunately i can kind of see why. Im also worried about her gcses , i just dont think she has the emotional capability to revise/take the tests without getting very stressed out. Do they mature as they get older?

Shes totally different from my older daughter whos very very mature , which is why im kind of at a loss

My 15yo DD (about to be 16) also awaiting asd & possibly ADHD diagnosis is also behind in some aspects in comparison to her peers. I would say a year ago she was more in line with an age 12/13yo but now more 14ish. It does take longer & is slower but they can progress. It's tricky though! Could the school support or is mypas available in your area? It's hard when their friends outgrow them. Happened to mine at around 13 & she bounced back

It really hard as school wont really help until diagnosis, although one time they did have a meeting with me as she was exhibiting concerning behaviours. Unfortunately, a lot of kids dont like her as well because alot of her behaviour can be seen as attention seeking. For example ( i believe this has gotten better) she called her self stupid when gets a question wrong in class and smacked her head. She also when someone else is sad becomes sad too, and then inevitably cries which other obviously dont like as it attention seeking. I just dont know how to get the message across to her that these behaviours are quite frankly embarrassing. Overall shes a very kind and naive person

Have you tried the National Autistic Society? They may have social skills support in your area.

Have you ever said to her that she's behaving like a 3 year old and it isnt appropriate?

She’s on the pathway to being diagnosed with autism - telling her she’s being inappropriate isn’t remotely helpful.

Her behaviour isn’t embarrassing - if she’s autistic she has a disability that you need to learn about and make allowances for.

Its not embarrassing for me, its for her. I just found out that the reason her friends said they dont want to friends is because they are embarrassed to be with her as her table manners are very poor. She often licks her plate etc . She has a huge obsession with food , and cannot control herself. Shes obese basically, and she isnt mature enough to diet as she gets very very upset if eats something unhealthy which is inevitable

I completely disagree. It's more important to tell her what is and what isnt appropriate because she might not have the capacity to undertsnd that herself.

Are you sure she hasn't got that prada-willy (spelling is wrong) condition?

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/prader-willi-syndrome/

She's not behaving like a 3yo, she's behaving like her 15yo self. The OP has already explained she is on the pathway to get diagnosed with ASD.

I just looked at that, she reached puberty early and is a normal height, she also isn’t physically aggressive ( or verbally tbh). She only has short outbursts where she might shout something after getting stressed out

Autism doesnt mean that you HAVE to behave like this or you cant learn to do better. It might mean that you don't pick up on the same social cues as everyone else, and that you won't mature in some ways "naturally". It's a guided process. But yes, explaining that at 15, you cannot express yourself in those ways is key. If they do not know that the behaviour is wholly inappropriate, then they have little incentive or reason to change it.

An autistic teen can possess the capacity to understand that a behaviour causes others to react in ways that don't work for her. In her case, they reject her. If she wants to be rejected less frequently, she will have to learn appropriate behaviours. Will she be perfect? Probably not. But she can be better. She just needs to be given the tools to be able to be better.

This! My 15 y old DS autistic often asks if something is OK to do because he doesn't know. I tell him regularly when he does something that others might react badly to and try to explain why. It's helpful to him. Others do know that he's autistic so they are used to some odd behaviour but my job is to make him fit in or atleast that he's aware about how his actions/reactions affect others.

It's more the excessive eating and social/learning disability. IIRC, Harvey (Jordan's son) has it. He's very tall.

I think the place to start is with reading up about ASD and then trying to work out firstly what helps/what makes things harder for her and secondly what matters/what doesn't.

For example - watching younger TV doesn't matter, and it probably helps her feel calm.

The more you observe what helps and what doesn't, the more you'll be able to support her.

Yes autism doesnt mean you're incapable of development

Nobody suggested that.

Your first post was both brief and crass. Your longer post has a useful point of view. People, including me, responded to your first post.

I agree a little bit that she should be capable of learning table manners. My son is a sensory seeker and loves his food too and has a physical disability too and he manages to eat whilst following most table manners. Licking a plate is really off putting. I wouldn't want to see someone do that.

It's really hard to balance when your child has a developmental difficulty but they can still learn. Maybe it's worth having a think about what she could manage in terms of improving independence skills without stepping too far outside her comfort zone?
Does she help out with house jobs like emptying the dishwasher? Will she go to the shop on there own to pick up.milk? Anything like that could help improve her confidence which will have knock on effects.
Also might be worth looking for a club or activity outside school aimed at neurodivergebt kids as they might be a bit more forgiving of unusual behaviour and it's always good to have a second set of friends.

Excessive eating can be due to sensory seeking in autism.

It's not crass to tell a 15 year old in mainstream school that some behaviours are inappropriate. Stop being so silly!

Tbh i agree with you as me and fam have gotten used to the behaviour so either we dont correct or when we do shes gotten used to it so it doesn’t effect her. Tbh the thing im most worried about is her naievity and black and white thinking. Anyone who shows her a ounce of kindness is the best person ever. She already gets taken advantage of but im scared its just going to get worse

Agreed. But I'd want to rule out PW genetically before giving her an autism diagnosis when excessive eating is a prominent feature. Only because I do know a kid who was thought to have GDD from a traumatic birth and was later diagnosed with PW as a young teen.

Things like social stories can help with that. I have a friend who swears by soap operas. Her and her teen watch all the soaps and even some reality TV, then they discuss the "issues" and why people may have behaved in the way that they did. What they might have felt or been thinking etc.