Aibu to not know how to help my immature 15 year old

[PinkChaires]

To preface she is on the pathway to get diagnosed with ASD.
my 15f year 10 dd is quite immature. She often acts like a child of 8/9 imo. She gets very easily overwhelmed, and when this happens she either cries or screams/shouts something. She still watches very childish shows eg my little pony from childhood, and hasnt really progressed past this stage. She speaks very loudly all of the time and will only get upset if you tell her to stop. She feels guilt all of the time, but this manifests as her repeatedly going to the person to tell her feels or saying sorry repeatedly. She basically cannot regulate emotions. She often listens to music and walks around the room speaking to herself. She is a very kind person overall, but it has to be obvious- meaning that sometimes she can be quite selfish. (Eg she doesn’t get being considerate). This has gotten better, but she still sometimes interacts with people by just playfully hugging them etc. she often misses social cues/norms. This has come to a head as tonight alot of her friends have told her they dont want to be friends anymore😢 and unfortunately i can kind of see why. Im also worried about her gcses , i just dont think she has the emotional capability to revise/take the tests without getting very stressed out. Do they mature as they get older?

!!

this writing autistic people off as basically being unable to learn or develop is so unfair and untrue.

of course an autistic child can learn when is appropriate to do something.

so with licking plates. Giving specific days and places where she can will be compromise, do some role play on having lunch at school. And a safe appropriate behaviour to replace it.

It’s very hard to get it across because to her, her behaviours are totally normal and natural. She’s sensory seeking in the way that feels right for her.

Instead of telling her she can never lick her plate, find an alternative stim that is appropriate in that scenario and let her lick her plate at home instead. Some of my stims aren’t appropriate around others and draw attention, so I’ve learnt other ways of soothing and sensory seeking instead.

Have you tried occupational therapy? They would help with regulating emotions. My son is six and has/had some of the behaviours you describe and OT has helped massively. It really helps keeping to a very strong routine and making sure he has quiet times during the day. We also correct any behaviours immediately or move him to an appropriate space. It's hard work but my son is now much calmer and is able to tell us when he's getting overwhelmed. Best of luck it's tough ❤️

The kid i knew who had it was in mainstream school with an EHCP for GDD. Yes, she quite obviously wasn't the same as her more average peers, but nor did she come across like mainstream was totally unsuitable either.

It was someone from the LEA who met her (and Ed psych, I think) met her and asked if she'd ever been tested for it and it turned out she did have it. I know it did change how they approached her behaviour management.

Has your DD had any professional involvement? An occupational therapist? Speech and language for regulation? These can be done through your GP.

No, that’s just your ridiculous interpretation.

Do you know anything about ASD? You don't say things like that to them.
🤷‍♀️ Not helpful.

Why would you lick your plate at home? What do you think most mumsnetters would say about a housemate, or worse, a partner, who licks their plate?

Finding an alternative to plate licking is the way forwards.

She does dress appropriately, and thankfully does not touch etc in public however nose picking and stuff is a infrequent problem. Its mainly the way she interacts with people i think

But do her friends understand that she has a disability? These young children are going to react to what they find reasonable in a way that’s natural to them. If they are being put off their own lunch by how OP’s daughter eats hers it is reasonable for them to distance themselves and say they wish to eat lunch at a different table.

I went to a dedicated SEN school as a child so grew up around pretty much every disability you could name. Even within that setting - with every single child being disabled themselves, everyone could not be friends or cope with everyone else’s behaviour all the time.

Actually autistic people generally prefer unambiguous, clear language. Telling them that it is inappropriate and will lose you friends blatantly is the best way to communicate with someone autistic. Thats how they will understand what you're saying. They may react to that and say its stupid and unfair, but they'll understand that it IS that way, even when it shouldn't be. And we have to work with how it IS.

We are interpreting your words. They're quite clear

But the way to get autistic people to evolve is not to just tell them that X is inappropriate and they need to stop doing it - you need to provide alternative behaviours or teach them that they can only do X at home. Many autistic people can learn that on their own but others need to be taught an alternative - allowing her access to fidget toys or other sensory equipment is better than just an outright ban on doing something.

If you say so 🙄

It's why we have so many young people now which are incapable of taking part in life.theyve never been given the skills to do so by people who assume they cant do any better.

It’s a reason why the autistic person may not understand how others perceive their behaviour. It’s not an excuse to carry on that behaviour regardless.

It’s does not help people to be encouraged to ‘just be themselves’ if that means they will struggle to make and keep friends, form a relationship or form constructive working relationships.
We all learn to inhibit our natural reactions to get along with others.

In y7 when the school picked up on this she had a few session with the in school mental health person i believe but this stopped. She had a evaluation appointment 6 months ago, but due to various reasons ( i had a very high risk pregnancy + other health issues) i decided to delay the diagnosis at the point ( i know im going to get flamed, but they said they will call again soon and ask if i want to try and get diagnosed which i will obviously say yes)

Nobody said that encouraging alternative ways to sensory seek wasn't a solution. In fact, I said that clearly. The only thing that was said is that to tell her that some behaviours are inappropriate in company, like plate licking and yes, those need to stop if she wants friends.

It's the fast track way to living alone, with no friends, and only staff members to be nice to you.

They probably don’t - and of course they’re within their rights to say they don’t want to be around X kind of behaviour - but that’s why the DD needs to be taught an alternative, not just told she’s never allowed to do X again because it’s inappropriate.

I’ve said a few times that I have some and behaviours that aren’t appropriate in public but I still allow myself to do them in private because they help me regulate more than the alternatives.

No one was suggesting op tell her daughter to just stop and that’s that. In fact I think you’ll find I told her she needs to lay out a clear equation of behaviour = reaction and then tell her it’s her own choice. If she doesn’t want the reaction of friends distancing themselves she needs to adjust the behaviour that is pushing them away, like with all social interactions. But ultimately it is her own decision and the consequences are also hers.

But you need to tell them that alongside providing an alternative, otherwise the outcome is likely to be a massively overwhelmed child who behaves even more inappropriately.

If all her current methods of regulating are removed and no alternatives are taught, she is likely to melt down or lash out due to overload. Just telling her “you can’t lick plates, it’s inappropriate” isn’t going to help because it doesn’t teach her an alternative.

That’s basically encouraging her to mask which often leads to huge mental health difficulties further down the line. As somebody who has walked that road with my dc and had a lot of interaction with professionals I now know letting them be their authentic self more is what I should have done.

The other thing is mindblindness. It can be infinitely harder to try and teach an autistic person what counts as private because the ability to see things from other perspectives is often tainted. So you can be caught up in trying to explain why you aren't invisible just because you've got your eyes closed and we can still see you dojng X, when you could just say that Y is a more appropriate behaviour that they can do openly.

I will say this, my son being armed with the knowledge of his own diagnosis changed his life. As it also changed mine.

He was diagnosed at 4/5 years old and I didn’t immediately tell him. He was struggling severely and I didn’t want to “other” him at such a young age. When he was around 9 he was struggling with being bullied and we spoke openly about how ASD can make certain things difficult and more intense etc. He became a new boy. Over the next year or two he still struggled socially but at 13 now he has found more confidence and self assuredness than I ever thought possible. He understands why he thinks differently and why some things are difficult so can work around how to manage, the things he needs to get through life and how to navigate his friendships.

Have you ever spoke to your daughter about ASD? Have you described her behaviour as sensory seeking and offered alternatives? The thing is, so long as the current methods are working she won’t want alternatives. She actually needs to understand they are no longer working for her (ie, she is losing friends) in order for her to want to change them.