Aibu to not know how to help my immature 15 year old

[PinkChaires]

To preface she is on the pathway to get diagnosed with ASD.
my 15f year 10 dd is quite immature. She often acts like a child of 8/9 imo. She gets very easily overwhelmed, and when this happens she either cries or screams/shouts something. She still watches very childish shows eg my little pony from childhood, and hasnt really progressed past this stage. She speaks very loudly all of the time and will only get upset if you tell her to stop. She feels guilt all of the time, but this manifests as her repeatedly going to the person to tell her feels or saying sorry repeatedly. She basically cannot regulate emotions. She often listens to music and walks around the room speaking to herself. She is a very kind person overall, but it has to be obvious- meaning that sometimes she can be quite selfish. (Eg she doesn’t get being considerate). This has gotten better, but she still sometimes interacts with people by just playfully hugging them etc. she often misses social cues/norms. This has come to a head as tonight alot of her friends have told her they dont want to be friends anymore😢 and unfortunately i can kind of see why. Im also worried about her gcses , i just dont think she has the emotional capability to revise/take the tests without getting very stressed out. Do they mature as they get older?

I never mention that her daughter is broken, I only advised her she will find strength to pull through the situation through the word of God, if you are truly a Christian you shouldn't find anything wrong with what I have posted. Shalom

Surely she won't learn that her behaviour is inappropriate if nobody says anything though

@PinkChaires I'm kindly going to suggest you post for advice on the SEN boards. As evidenced on this thread, discussion around autism often descends into a bun fight with people falling into one of two camps:

• All autistic people are the same and therefore all are capable of learning and amending their behaviour/ reactions

• All autistic people are unable to learn or amend their behaviours/ reactions

Your dd may be capable of learning what is/ isn't appropriate, or she may not. In truth, it is harder to correct troubling behaviours as a child grows older. If they're able to learn/ adjust then it's usually better to start when they're younger. I'm not saying it's a lost cause, but just that you'll get a lot incorrect information and assumptions on this thread from people who are projecting. If you post on the SEN boards you're more likely to find someone in a similar situation.

Good luck. Your dd sounds lovely.

@MyOliveHelper I thought that as well.

Yeah i think i will do so later. I have an awkward situation as well as the closest (ex) friend’ sin her friendship group mum is really quite desperate to be friends with me as she doesn’t have many herself, but i only had the friendship due to my daughter. She asked me today why im not responding to messages, so do i tell her? The messages they sent are quite harsh tbh but i know the mother will be angry at her daughter

Tell me you know no nothing about being ND, without telling me you know nothing about being ND 🙄

Or tell me id be a better parent than you to an ND child because id have higher expectations of their potential than you.

Have a look at the Autistic Girls Network charity, there are loads of resources on there and info. My autistic 14 year old is very similar and struggled socially so much. She’s home educated now and much better and she attends a youth club for young people with ALN which she finds much easier socially as it is very inclusive and accepting of everyone’s different needs.

Considering I am a ND parent so, I know what in talking about, you need to get back on your self-righteous horse and take your apathetic self back under your rock.

My ND child is 11 and is emotionally and mentally at the age of a 8 year old. There are some behaviours (plate licking) that need reminding aren't acceptable. But as for friendships and regulation, reach out to the Autistic society, and speak to the SEN team about interventions around those issues.

You’d be equally clueless then.

Do you think there may be adhd in the mix?
Lack of impulse control around food, constant talking etc

Absolutely this.

The hugging has to be reined in.
I'd be working on appropriateness pr otherwise of physical contact and how to respond to perceived kindness. Her safety is the bottom line here in a world full of unscrupulous men.

There's a condition called Williams Syndrome that was recently described on the BBC website that might be of interest. It comes with certain facial characteristics, though. Elements include an over trusting nature, inability to understand danger or to have more than a surface level perception of other people's behaviour.

I'm a Christian (RC) and frankly this is ignorant witch doctor nonsense.

Jesus, are you here to just inflame ?

I think how her behaviour is managed at home and at school (I don’t mean friends but adults) is going to be key to her thriving or suffering a mental health crisis. My AuDHD DD (16) was an absolute handful in early teens and had some very immature behaviour that was frankly exhausting. However, we now know this was largely related to slowly escalating anxiety. She struggled with friends, socially and at school but was academically capable so didn’t stand out to teachers. She was loud, rude, impulsive, never slept, exhausting to be around. Long story short but she went through burnout in year 10 and we had to take her out of school for her own safety. It has taken a very long time to rebuild her confidence and it’s been a massive learning curve for us and we’ve had to learn to parent her differently. It sounds like you’re doing what we did and that is view her behaviour through a NT lens and try and fight against her natural ND behaviour. She needs a safe space where she can be herself because masking is exhausting. Only once she’s got your trust will she listen to your guidance on how to behave in a NT world. This might take time and involves you truly learning about and understanding her. Being in control is a key component of my DDs behaviours and when there was so much conflict and contradiction between her feelings and behaviours and our expectations she just retreated inside herself. Anyway, I guess my simple advice is you don’t need a diagnosis to start learning about and parenting as if she already has that diagnosis. She is going to need a lot of support as will you .

Understand that for your DD her ASD is something that disables her just as much as it does for your DS. She needs your support. The less stressed she feels, the more likely she'll find it easier to cope.

But don't expect her to stop being emotive. She cannot change who she fundamentally is. Asking me to stop being emotive is like telling your non-verbal son that he needs to speak to communicate. You don't need school to help her manage it better and there are ways of managing it but fundamentally she will always seem very tearful or over-happy. Use social stories to help discuss what behaviours might make neuro-typical people unhappy and why...e.g. Why you don't think she should lick her plate.

Also practising social situations and conversations so she has a better grasp of what to say. ASD often comes with communication disorders which can make social situations difficult as it takes longer to process what is being said or someone might not know when to stop talking on a topic they find interesting.

Don't compare her to her older sister. She is her own person. It's horrible not being accepted by others and realising you're different. Understanding that it's okay to not be neuro-typical is great. My local CAMHS tends to make you feel that it's a terminal diagnosis rather than a supportive one.

We don't know your child and whether you've genuinely helped them fulfi their potential, or whether they could have achieved much more independence. So yeah... we don't know...

No I'm.jhst forthright when people want to pick at a thread.

Oh do go back under your bridge, troll 🤣🤣🤣🤣

The worst sin you can commit as a parent is not allow your children to be their own person - within reason of course, but you know what I mean

Its the truth. We don't know your kid and from the sounds of it, you don't seem to think that ND kids are capable of appropriate behaviour so we can only assume that the people saying these things with ND kids haven't encouraged them to be as independent as they could be. I'd rather be thought of as a troll then a neglectful parent so yeah.

please ignore my above post - wrong thread !!!

sorry this isn’t just immaturity. this has been going on for a long time i suspect and am at a loss as to why she wasn’t diagnosed years ago. she needs a diagnosis and support at school, why have you left it this long?

Exactly this! My almost 16 Yr old ds has asd, we've had the battles of what others see as 'embarrassing' behaviour. But we've told him & those who've judged that it's very much a them problem if they have an issue with his differences not his. He's now got a wonderful set of friends who love & support him & he's accepted whether your ND or NT there's always going to be people who have a problem with you but that it's not his problem it's theirs & that the people who matter are the ones who love him for who he is, differences and all.