Aibu to not know how to help my immature 15 year old

[PinkChaires]

To preface she is on the pathway to get diagnosed with ASD.
my 15f year 10 dd is quite immature. She often acts like a child of 8/9 imo. She gets very easily overwhelmed, and when this happens she either cries or screams/shouts something. She still watches very childish shows eg my little pony from childhood, and hasnt really progressed past this stage. She speaks very loudly all of the time and will only get upset if you tell her to stop. She feels guilt all of the time, but this manifests as her repeatedly going to the person to tell her feels or saying sorry repeatedly. She basically cannot regulate emotions. She often listens to music and walks around the room speaking to herself. She is a very kind person overall, but it has to be obvious- meaning that sometimes she can be quite selfish. (Eg she doesn’t get being considerate). This has gotten better, but she still sometimes interacts with people by just playfully hugging them etc. she often misses social cues/norms. This has come to a head as tonight alot of her friends have told her they dont want to be friends anymore😢 and unfortunately i can kind of see why. Im also worried about her gcses , i just dont think she has the emotional capability to revise/take the tests without getting very stressed out. Do they mature as they get older?

Shes not academically behind? I said im scared of her being stress out in mocks etc. i have tried to get her support see above with school mental health person. I try to accommodate as much as i can. Therapy is going to happen. Socially the gap has just widened and widened. In y3/4/5 she was totally fine. I think thats what i struggle with because when she was younger she didn’t have these problems? ( or had developmentally normal problems) After covid and in year 6 they came about and they got progressively worse

My son (younger than her) is profoundly disabled with an autism diagnosis but very very severe. Absolutely no speech and frequent self harm so i do get what your saying.

This girl didn't although she was born with poor apgars. She was diagnosed with GDD.

It's great that she is independant in lots of ways but are there other things you could encourage her with? Like cooking dinner for the family? Could she get a part time job or would that be too much? Maybe babysitting or pet sitting for neighbours or friends?
I agree either the poster upthread who said that explaining that actions have consequenses could be helpful. I.e. you can choose to lick your plate but people won't want to eat with you.

She already feels guilt and shame how will criticising something she cannot control help?

If I were you, my first step would be to read up on raising girls with autism. When my daughter got her ADHD diagnosis Raising Girls with ADHD was my bible and I am sure similar exists for ASD. Your DD would also benefit from a book about having autism as a girl so she can start to understand herself and explain it to friends, who will hopefully be more understanding if they know why she did something they found odd, hurtful or ick.

Incidentally, my daughter also does the pacing to music thing; it's called maladaptive day-dreaming and is a self soothing mechanism. When you understand her condition more, you will probably find that the watching children's TV shows is also a type of self-soothing/self-calming.

It might be worth looking at anti-anxiety meds for her with GCSEs next year. Controlling her anxiety might help her disregulation too. Wishing you all th best with her autism journey.

…tell me you’ve not raise a ND Girl, without telling me you’ve not raised a ND girl.

Honestly I despair at posts like this.

Here’s why … Girls are better at masking, ASD is girls of under-diagnosed particularly when they are younger, if you can get referred for a diagnosis it takes years (took us over 2 years as we were lucky), many services can’t be accessed without a diagnosis, even with a diagnosis services are minimal, if you have an ASD child without a Learning Disability (hilariously called “high functioning”) you will struggle to get an EHCP so many schools won’t make adjustments or provide support.

Patenting an ASD Teenager, when you have no experience of it, is really difficult. It’s hard to know what’s right and wrong to do. What will make things better, and what will make it worse. ASD people are at higher risk of Suicide - when DD was really bad, I used to sit outside her closed bedroom door to listen for her moving, as I was so scared she had harmed herself.

Have you met an ASD teenager having a panic attack (or meltdown as some people call them?) it can be terrifying for the parent and the young person,

Take your ill-informed opinions, and put them elsewhere

Who said she cant control it? Are you saying that because at 15, she hasn't managed to so far with the tools she's been given? Maybe this is a new tool.

It’s absolutely with kindness. Like I say, you aren’t asking her to mask or to stop stimming. She has a disability and it’s all very, very hard. She deserves the space to figure her stuff out and she will get there when she gets there. I was very behind socially. I was the weird kid out the weird kids! And when I tell you, now at 36 I quite literally I have more friends than I know what to do with (no really, what do I do with them? Water them..? Throw them sandwiches??) so please understand I have every faith your daughter will be fine. She will absolutely find her people. Whatever happens, just support her and help guide her. Help her find alternatives and encourage why they’re important, why it’s important to not upset the people around you. She will get there

Is there not an option for your autistic child to go into another room after her meals and lick her plate - maybe on the way to the sink or something similar?

It’s hard when you have two children with opposing needs but I’m sure there’s a way to allow them both to feel safe.

It is common for autistic children to be emotionally and socially young for their age. I've heard two thirds their actual age is a good general rule, though my 9 year old is more like a 7/8 year old than a six year old. She also still get's a lot of comfort from watching pre school programmes, especially after school.
Saying that they can be taught, although it often needs to be more explicit, and things like table manners fall under that. My DD also struggles with fine motor skills so I don't ask for perfection, but do insist on cutlery used and no licking plates/pots.

OP, I have a child with ASD, ADHD & AFRID. Please dismiss the comments flaming you. It is hard, harder when you have no experience in dealing with professionals and navigating your way through.
Make a GP appointment and ask for referrals to be made, speak to school ask them to refer again for the assessment, the more referrals made the faster it will get done.
From some of the things you have written, explore global development delay ( GDD ) as well as the ASD.
There are quite a few comments on here from people who have never lived life with a ND child. Ignore them.
With school you can ask for extended time for GCSEs, although without the diagnosis I’m not sure if they will be able to do this.

Do you feel better for saying that? Because literally the only person who can benefit from your post is yourself.

OP is seeking advice and support now. Let her focus constructively on moving forward from where she is.

Comparing someone to a 3yo is crass and derogatory.

Seems ironic that someone who doesn't understand that is giving advice on social skills.

She sounds quite vulnerable and considering her age she may need longer term support with someone who can advocate for her needs. Are there any learning needs / disability identified as well as a possible ND being explored? How is your DD managing with schoolwork and day to day tasks (self care, budgeting, how independant is she without being prompted) OP?

The OP’s daughter isn’t really masking, though, is she? She’s displaying a whole host of very obvious behaviours that she apparently can’t control and which everyone notices.

Most of the behaviours the OP describes would be as unusual in a nine-year-old as they are in a 15-year-old, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable for people to ask why there’s been no previous investigation.

Gently and respectfully, I think you need to educate yourself on what Autism is and isn't, and how to parent accordingly.

Exactly. Is OP asking how to make her child not appear autistic? Or be autistic? Or learn to mask to fit in with NT kids? My daughter is also 16, also autistic and yes, she's not exactly the same as NT kids her age but then, why should she be? The more accepting of our children that we are the happier they will be and that is surely the most we can give them.

Shes actually quite good at these things , its mainly mannerisms / socially that she struggles. Shes very vulnerable, and she really needs toughing up

You didn't say that, you said tell her to stop acting like a 3 year old.

Yes, this can be very much an autistic person. Why do you not accept your child as they are? Instead of wanting to change them, change their environment and look after them.

ive heard that children with ADHD, for example, are about 3 years behind than their peers in terms of emotional maturity. Most eventually catch up. Could this be what’s going on with your daughter?

@ExtraOnions having a ND child does not mean you just give up and leave them to it. I think when it's your DC and you love them, live with them every day, and have ways of managing their ND behaviours at home, it's easy to minimise their differences and lose sight of how different they are from their same-age peers and how they are perceived outside the home. But this is a 15yo we're talking about. Differences this extreme do become apparent a lot earlier than that, certainly once secondary school starts. I see that the school did flag DD's issues in Y7 and provided support which then mysteriously "stopped", then it sounds like nothing happened for 3 years and more recently OP has turned down diagnosis, losing further time. This poor girl is now failing socially, being rejected by her peers, and according to her mum is unlikely to cope with the pressure of GCSEs next year, not to mention she's obese - which doesn't happen overnight - and the OP seems resigned to that. I wouldn't be surprised if she is struggling with personal hygiene, periods etc too. Things should not have gone this far.

OP I would suggest that you try to make up for lost time by scraping together every penny for a private diagnosis and if you can't do that, keep on pushing to get help for her ASAP. Your daughter needs professional support and letting her languish on the pathway/waiting list is not good enough. You're at risk of her aging out of the support services she needs before she gets a chance to make full use of them. She sounds lovely but it's clear she is not flourishing, and she's very far away from being able to function as a mostly independent young adult within the next 5-10 years.

Yes. For instance, the licking plates habit is something she needs to know upsets other people. (Sorry if you already tell her that, OP.)

If I were you I would be demanding a lot more support from the school. It is unacceptable that they need to wait for a formal diagnosis. They know your daughter well and it will be obvious to all of them that your daughter has autism.

Your DD is unable to read subtle social cues. Therefore she has no option other than to receive explicit social cues such as her friends saying they no longer want to each lunch with her. Over time she will learn acceptable ways to act around other people but it will be tough. 15 is a tricky age as some girls act like 21 year olds and others more like pre-teens. The gaps really do widen even amongst NT girls.
All you can do on the social aspect is talk it through with her regularly. Let her express her disappointment and hurt at home and allow her to reflect what she might want to do differently if the situation were to arise again.