Aibu to not know how to help my immature 15 year old

[PinkChaires]

To preface she is on the pathway to get diagnosed with ASD.
my 15f year 10 dd is quite immature. She often acts like a child of 8/9 imo. She gets very easily overwhelmed, and when this happens she either cries or screams/shouts something. She still watches very childish shows eg my little pony from childhood, and hasnt really progressed past this stage. She speaks very loudly all of the time and will only get upset if you tell her to stop. She feels guilt all of the time, but this manifests as her repeatedly going to the person to tell her feels or saying sorry repeatedly. She basically cannot regulate emotions. She often listens to music and walks around the room speaking to herself. She is a very kind person overall, but it has to be obvious- meaning that sometimes she can be quite selfish. (Eg she doesn’t get being considerate). This has gotten better, but she still sometimes interacts with people by just playfully hugging them etc. she often misses social cues/norms. This has come to a head as tonight alot of her friends have told her they dont want to be friends anymore😢 and unfortunately i can kind of see why. Im also worried about her gcses , i just dont think she has the emotional capability to revise/take the tests without getting very stressed out. Do they mature as they get older?

People with Prader-willy would generally be on the same intellectual level as a person with down syndrome. It's not just an issue with over-eating.

Get some books about girls with autism and listen to some podcast and YouTube videos. You also need to speak to the school as it sounds like she needs support with GCSEs.

Omg what!!! Down syndrome is a vast spectrum of associated learning disabilities!! You cannot say on the same level as that is so offensive and incorrect

Sorry, what I meant was I think Op would have noticed if her child had a learning difficulty along the lines of a child with Down's syndrome so the over-eating is most likely not linked to P-W.

My children have a friend with PW - he coped extremely well in mainstream school and now has a good solid job. He gets on really well with my child who has high functioning autism. I only know he has it because he used to come for lots of sleepovers in primary school and his parents thought we ought to know. I’m sure there has been lots of work and support behind the scenes but you wouldn’t automatically know if you met him. I expect like a lots of other conditions it has a range. I think pp was right to mention it as a possibility. It might be that the op can rule it out straight away but PW flashed across my mind when I read op’s post too.

No it isn’t. Some aren’t and if you’ve met one ND kid you’ve met one ND kid. You know literally nothing as regards what ND parents have gone through and to call them neglectful just illustrates your ignorance.

I assume she has no hearing problem?

If she was OK a couple of years ago, can you think back to something that happened which might account for her behaviour?

Was there a tragedy in the family? Was she physically ill?

Do you think covid has something to do with it? How was she then?

I think your story is very sad
when young people are diagnosed with asd they can’t help the way they act, I would focus not just on her but yourself as well to be more accepting of her, and Stickle up for your daughter
its up to you to fight your daughters corner as no one else is going to do it, when she gets her diagnosis
my grand daughter is 20 now and is asd and in girls a lot of things come to light as they get older and she will need help not hindrance
Also about her weight, maybe you can take control of that by cooking healthy meals and getting her to help you
A lot if things are maybe out of your dd capabilities it is then that you have to show her the right way
Also help her to join a few clubs ie; Mencap or AOD. Where she can go and make friends with people just like her and not get judged for the way she is acting

I think the key thing here is the way you need to help your ‘immature’ daughter is to get her diagnosis asap and to begin addressing her needs with her diagnosis in mind. It sounds like it could be a good idea to change her school when she has finished her GCSEs and send her to somewhere she will fit in more with like minded people. You don’t need to change her, you need to change how she is supported and understood.

Some of the things you've written OP where me as a teenager... also me as an adult (I'm very happy to watch cartoons etc) I'm in my thirties have 3 children, I'm a single parent, have my own house, etc
She'll grow up.

I'm probably autistic (i score high on the paperwork but not diagnosed) probably have ADHD too.

whilst your daughter is getting investigated for ASD it is also worth considering ADHD as hormonal changes will make neurodivergence like ADHD flare up in puberty. That’s bill have had a bigger impact than Covid. Inability to focus, complete work, being distracted , daydreaming, and for hearing issues many of us have is auditory processing delay. All of that will get harder for ADHDers in puberty and again in perimenopause. I was frequently investigate for my hearing in school.. nothing was ever found, it just turned out to be my brain needing time to catch up. Only got my AuDHD diagnosis at the ripe age of 47. I use Loop earplugs to help lessen the sensory overload in busy areas, the Engage set allows me to still hear people. Seek help. Go to sessions teaching parents how to help their ND kids. Tell your daughter again plate licking is totally inappropriate in public - and that she will lose friends over behaviours like that if she does it in school and people will laugh at her. Nobody is advocating for masking, but some behaviours will make her stand out in ways she doesn’t want to (if upset about losing friends). Best of luck.. advocate for her and get help in school.

I’d leave her alone about what shows she likes to watch. My Little Pony - the Friendship Is Magic series, anyway - is surprisingly emotionally complex for a show about cartoon ponies, and even if it weren’t, your main issues here are her emotional regulation and her behavior in public. Wanting to watch kids’ shows at home is NBD.

She doesn’t have any hearing problems, and listens and follows instructions. I think with the plate licking etc its something she gives into / forget

But it also doesn't mean that you can handle situations that are currently beyond your developmental age/ability.
Our dd had issues in y7 and due to massive trauma I explained to the teachers she was very mu h younger than her chronological age and I was told by the head if lower school well she needs to learn! I politely told her that's NOT HOW developmental progress works. You can teach them til you're blue in the face but until they are developmentally ready they are NOT going to manage it.

@MyOliveHelper such a refreshing, sensible point of view. I know a number of people who just simply excuse any & all inappropriate behaviours due to autism/ADHD etc. Rather than actually trying to help their child learn what is and isn't OK!

Would putting a paper plate on top of the plate and put her food on that, help? She cannot lick a disposable plate, and will soon get out of the habit, perhaps.

If she objects, give her the choice of a china plate with much less food, so she will eat it all without licking, or a paper plate with a bit more food - but make sure it is low calorie food.

A but more low calorie food on a paper plate might be preferable to less on a china one. Eventually, she will get out of the habit.

It takes extra reasoning and buying paper plates. I might not work, but what have you got to lose?

Just a thought.