Aibu to not know how to help my immature 15 year old

[PinkChaires]

To preface she is on the pathway to get diagnosed with ASD.
my 15f year 10 dd is quite immature. She often acts like a child of 8/9 imo. She gets very easily overwhelmed, and when this happens she either cries or screams/shouts something. She still watches very childish shows eg my little pony from childhood, and hasnt really progressed past this stage. She speaks very loudly all of the time and will only get upset if you tell her to stop. She feels guilt all of the time, but this manifests as her repeatedly going to the person to tell her feels or saying sorry repeatedly. She basically cannot regulate emotions. She often listens to music and walks around the room speaking to herself. She is a very kind person overall, but it has to be obvious- meaning that sometimes she can be quite selfish. (Eg she doesn’t get being considerate). This has gotten better, but she still sometimes interacts with people by just playfully hugging them etc. she often misses social cues/norms. This has come to a head as tonight alot of her friends have told her they dont want to be friends anymore😢 and unfortunately i can kind of see why. Im also worried about her gcses , i just dont think she has the emotional capability to revise/take the tests without getting very stressed out. Do they mature as they get older?

The first post from a PP literally just said to tell her it’s inappropriate!

She probably understands behaviour = reaction but needs help with the impulsivity of stimming as well as being taught that when she has the urge to do X, she needs to do Y instead, but that she can do X at home instead.

We all mask to some extent to aid social cohesion. Not all visible signs of ND are inappropriate. Licking plates is one of the inappropriate behaviours an ND person could display.

What is wrong with living alone? No point living with friends if you’re masking 24/7. Far better to have the friends that suit you or to be alone which many autistic people may prefer. Being around people that like the authentic you is far more important . Living alone doesn’t mean you can’t have a full
life with people in it.

Yes - it’s probably best to teach her that she can only do X at home and that at all other times she needs to do Y or Z

No NT people do not mask anything like ND people which is 24/7.

Yes but telling someone that something is inappropriate and needs to stop doesnt mean they cant do something else that is appropriate.

Imagine a guy saying that because you've told him that he cant grab a stranger's bum in the street, it also means he can never smile at a stranger or greet them. Thats how you sound. Like because one INAPPROPRIATE behaviour is discouraged, it means they can't display 1000s of other appropriate behaviours that may meet a similar goal.

You are giving the OP the wrong information. Gently teaching more desirable behaviors absoloutely is appropriate for an autistic child.

Op. Clearly your lovely daughter is autistic and school need to support her needs, not wait on a bit of paper. The way this is all conveyed as ‘problems’ and ‘other’ to how 15yr olds should behave is also concerning. Autistic children do mature, but it’ll be slower in most cases especially socially as seems to be your daughter’s presentation. Friendships are so tricky with Autistic kids, but they can find and maintain good relationships with support. At 15, supporting your daughter to embrace and understand her own neurology is crucial; she needs to enter adulthood with a confident understanding of her autism. Hope this all helps, it’s intended with kindness and understanding. 😊

Masking is a key part of social cohesion. We all display behaviour that make it easier to operate in a group as we are social animals.

Autistic people often need clear language to understand. They often prefer "this is good, this is bad".

At home with housemates and/or partner? I have faith that this young woman could have everything other adults have. I'd set her up to be able to achieve all that. Not think mummy and daddy won't mind her licking her plates at home in her 50s.

The ‘masking’ that NT folk carry out to socially adjust is just not comparable to the exhausting, relentless, masking that emulates total survival mode for folks with autism. They are floored by masking, it utterly drains them. I know what you mean, but it’s just not the same 😊

Obviously we all ignored that ridiculous post while everyone actively in discussion now has been suggesting OP use reasonable alternatives.

As another PP said just a moment ago - we are not encouraging OP’s daughter mask. Behaving appropriately in public and masking are very different. You can stim and sensory seek in public.

Some people’s stimming and sensory seeking includes sexual urges. These are also not public appropriate and should not be excused because of autism. Yes, the urge is there to seek comfort in that way. It doesn’t make it okay to do around other people.

Are you a 3 year old yourself? It's certainly inappropriate to make such a stupid comment when the OP has clearly said her dd is on ASD pathway

She knows shes on the pathway. The thing is about doing it home, my older daughter absolutely hates her table manners ( plus other mannerisms) as well and tells her off. I feel bad that she doesn’t have that safe space.

Yes but that is likely because theyre being asked to mask unusual but not inappropriate behaviours. Fair enough, there is a balance. The behaviour OP is speaking about here are inappropriate and require masking. We've all had an urge to lick our plate, we opt not to for social cohesion.

No it isnt. It's ableist to think you cant tell an autistic person that their behaviour is problematic. Please want better for autistic people. They deserve it.

I have one NT and one ND child too op. It’s hard. Have you spoken one to one with older DD. Tried to explain younger DDs struggles etc. she is 16/17??

Telling her that it isnt appropriate is key to making it clear it will cause her rejection. It's a clear word commonly used to describe behaviours we don't want around us.

If it is appropriate, why would she need alternatives? She needs alternatives because it isnt appropriate. @MissdoubleU

Sorry quoted wrong person..

17F. She has misophonia as well so its hard. They dont eat together at all. And they arent close really. Older one gets annoyed by constant loud talking

With my son who is autistic (and has other diagnoses) , we have found that simple instructions repeated often helps. He really appreciates knowing that something is a 'rule'. 'The rule is we don't lick plates'.
Your daughter will make progress, she will always struggle with social skills but it will get better.

Your older daughter also deserves a safe and comfortable living space.

Just because a behaviour is sensory seeking doesn’t mean it should automatically be allowed. My son actively harms himself as sensory seeking/stimming behaviour. I am not a bad mum for disallowing this ‘natural part of his autism’, and I do not make him mask it either. I offer him a reasonable alternative that does not cause him actual harm.

There is nothing to say just because your daughter has gravitated towards licking the plate that this behaviour needs a safe space at the family dinner table. Just because someone is autistic doesn’t mean that every stim or whim should be adjusted to. Some are not appropriate when other people are there and some are never appropriate in any circumstance. Finding alternatives is the solution in these cases. People can stim and sensory seek in many ways without making the people around them uncomfortable or themselves unsafe.

This is terribly sad. How has DD got to be FIFTEEN with all these issues and no support? What have you been doing for the last 10 years? It sounds like you've done nothing while she's fallen far behind her peers socially and academically, not to mention becoming dangerously overweight. She'll be legally an adult in only 3 more years - what do you think is going to happen then?

Children with PW are very very floppy at birth and actually have severe early feeding difficulties requiring nasogastric feeding. They also have an intellectual disability (learning disability in the UK).