Aibu to not know how to help my immature 15 year old

[PinkChaires]

To preface she is on the pathway to get diagnosed with ASD.
my 15f year 10 dd is quite immature. She often acts like a child of 8/9 imo. She gets very easily overwhelmed, and when this happens she either cries or screams/shouts something. She still watches very childish shows eg my little pony from childhood, and hasnt really progressed past this stage. She speaks very loudly all of the time and will only get upset if you tell her to stop. She feels guilt all of the time, but this manifests as her repeatedly going to the person to tell her feels or saying sorry repeatedly. She basically cannot regulate emotions. She often listens to music and walks around the room speaking to herself. She is a very kind person overall, but it has to be obvious- meaning that sometimes she can be quite selfish. (Eg she doesn’t get being considerate). This has gotten better, but she still sometimes interacts with people by just playfully hugging them etc. she often misses social cues/norms. This has come to a head as tonight alot of her friends have told her they dont want to be friends anymore😢 and unfortunately i can kind of see why. Im also worried about her gcses , i just dont think she has the emotional capability to revise/take the tests without getting very stressed out. Do they mature as they get older?

Ask if she can have access to the Sen area at lunch and breaks. She might find some lovely friends there.

Ask if you can attend a pre diagnosis training session.

Read the sendcop and talk to your school.

Post on sen chat board for advice.

Her behaviour isn’t inappropriate though - because she is autistic and has a disability. Forcing her to mask her natural behaviours so that she fits into societies definition of “appropriate” may be helpful in the short-term but is very likely to lead to long-term mental health issues.

No some behaviours are inappropriate. Telling her otherwise is stunting her emotional growth and she won't have friends. She will have friendly carers. Give her a chance.

one part of her autism is that she is eager to please so any house work i ask her to do gets done quickly bless her. Her main job is anything dishes related so like dishwasher etc and she does it everyday without prompting(routine i think) she also goes on a walk everyday and loves it. She is the main shop goer in our house! So her independence is something im worried but also not worried about because she can be reliant on me sometimes. Her hw and stuff is all fine no prompts from me needed. Studying is something she would do if she didn’t get stressed after 5 mins. I think therapy is definitely in order to get stressed after techniques

Nobody has said otherwise, but your first post was pretty bloody offensive to those of us with autism, hence the responses you got.

Have you thought about getting her some books and cue cards about emotions/ behaviours etc?

to help her figure out different types of social cues and emotions. I understand wait for a diagnosis, but spending some time working on tools to manage in different settings and understand / navigating her surrounding in safe way would be helpful.

If you're offended by hearing that some behaviours are inappropriate, then I suggest your maturity is also lacking.

Some things you do, whether you're autistic or not, can be inappropriate, wrong and/or harmful. Your autism doesn't change that and you are capable of being better than you are, at least in some respects. Don't use it as an excuse to be problematic.

I think you definitely need to start at home. No more licking plates etc. Tell her not to do it and explain why. I think by allowing her to do what she wants at home and then expecting her to automatically know how to behave around friends, you're setting her up to fail.

I agree with this. The autistic advocacy movement, encouraging people to believe they are fine as they are, just different, does people no favours. If we want to get along with people, we all have to learn some basic skills in how to do that, including what is acceptable, what is not, and how others will perceive us. Everyone has to do that, regardless of autism. Yes, people can get educated on autism and make some allowances, but that will only go so far.

My ex H had autism, late diagnosed, very late, and unfortunately his autistic traits had already imploded his career and relationship by then. If he had been diagnosed in childhood and learnt about how his autism affected him, and some strategies on how to understand others better and react differently in social situations, he could have had a much better life.

Some behaviours are inappropriate though. Telling her not to stim is wrong. Telling her she cannot lick her plate in public without offending her friends is not.

She knows it’s inappropriate and i tell her off everytime . Tbh i was surprised she was doing it at school, i had managed to limit it at home

Exactly. It's cruel to decide someone's disability means you won't support them in learning key skills.

What are you on about? Autism isn’t an excuse - it’s a reason. Your comments are incredibly offensive.

She needs to understand the social consequences. She doesn’t want her friends to reject her but her friends equally don’t want to sit with someone while they lick their plate. She then has a choice to either sit alone with her licked plate or display appropriate table manners around her friends. She needs the full understanding of the direct consequences and then the ball is in her court to make the decision

No, autism isnt a reason to not teach a child basic social skills. That's neglect. Your posts are offensive.

As they say, you don’t have the right not to be offended. If her friends find her disability offensive and embarrassing, maybe she needs new friends.

Yes, long-term she should be able to learn more appropriate stims and behaviours but people seem to be ignoring the fact that she will probably need support with her behaviour for the rest of her life. I’m 36 and still need reminding occasionally that doing X or Y in public isn’t appropriate.

I never said it was 🤣

Yes, i totally agree. But how do i get this across to her ? Maybe this is the event that will make her realise even a tiny bit. She has 2 other friends who are not in that friendship group so she wont be totally alone, so could be character building

You need to train her how to behave in various situations but pick your battles. Eg plate licking is only for home and you only do it with mum/on your own. We can learn, and it helps us.

They can get all offended and huffy but do learn.

Appropriate dress (covered up) swimming costumes are for swimming pool, beach, own garden
Which body parts you can touch in public. (Eg no scratching your arse etc)
Which behaviours are seen as disgusting (picking nose, licking plates etc)

Also teach which behaviours of others is dangerous. Be careful with too much independence until she can recognise danger. Autistic girls are very vulnerable.

I’m autistic and do not find it offensive. I find it more offensive when parents of autistic children stunt development due to ASD. I’ve personally seen a lot of violent behaviour excused for this reason.

PP was simply saying that it shouldn’t be an excuse to prevent autistic people from growing and evolving, which we absolutely do with the correct guidance, tools and motivation.

Autism doesnt come with a need to lick plates. You may sensory seek. There are more appropriate and socially acceptable ways to sensory seek. Teaching people these tools maximises the chances of real inclusion.

She’ll snap straight out of it. 🙄

Isn’t PW quite a profound disability, which has a whole host of disabilities in one. OPs daughter is in mainstream school and doesn’t seem to have the learning disability etc associated with PW. Lots of people are obese through overeating and only a tiny subset have PW. People with PW are permanently hungry no matter how much they eat. It’s an extreme condition and rare condition.

You are saying that and it's bwacially encouraging neglect. You should be ashamed.

My DD has been the same, she’s 18 now, and although she is still “young for her age”, things are better than they were.

As they get older these things change, and TbH I’ve never really minded her emotional immaturity, we just worked with it.

Friendships change, new people come into thier lives. DDs has friends, but none from school, and that’s fine.

As for school - there is a local one now that has a “treat as if” policy.. so you don’t need to wait for any sort of formal diagnosis (they know the waiting list issues!), you child is treated “as if” they have been diagnosed, and get the support needed. It’s made a massive difference