Aibu to not know how to help my immature 15 year old

[PinkChaires]

To preface she is on the pathway to get diagnosed with ASD.
my 15f year 10 dd is quite immature. She often acts like a child of 8/9 imo. She gets very easily overwhelmed, and when this happens she either cries or screams/shouts something. She still watches very childish shows eg my little pony from childhood, and hasnt really progressed past this stage. She speaks very loudly all of the time and will only get upset if you tell her to stop. She feels guilt all of the time, but this manifests as her repeatedly going to the person to tell her feels or saying sorry repeatedly. She basically cannot regulate emotions. She often listens to music and walks around the room speaking to herself. She is a very kind person overall, but it has to be obvious- meaning that sometimes she can be quite selfish. (Eg she doesn’t get being considerate). This has gotten better, but she still sometimes interacts with people by just playfully hugging them etc. she often misses social cues/norms. This has come to a head as tonight alot of her friends have told her they dont want to be friends anymore😢 and unfortunately i can kind of see why. Im also worried about her gcses , i just dont think she has the emotional capability to revise/take the tests without getting very stressed out. Do they mature as they get older?

I once met a woman with an autistic child at a play centre when my ds was 5, He came up to a turn taking area when it was my son's turn, physically pushed him out of the way and was generally very aggressive. The mother saw it all but literally just smiled at him and verbally encouraged him to continue. I asked the mother if she wasn't going to tell him what he did was wrong and she started shouting repeatedly at me, "He's autistic". I work with autistic children and tried to explain to her that being autistic doesn't mean he can behave in any way he chooses, that he especially needs to have boundaries and be taught how to behave appropriately in social situations - even more important for a child with autism than an NT child. I didn't say it like that and didn't get much opportunity to speak anyway because she was screaming at me. She spent the remainder of the session glaring over at ME. I hope she was able to parent him eventually because ND children do need extra help and explanations around acceptable behaviour and boundaries. If Op words it in the right way explaining social expectations to her dd could help her going forward, with friendships especially.

It would be incredibly unusual for a baby with PWS to have normal tone and normal feeding in infancy. And impossible to have a child diagnosed in mid teens with presumably normal intelligence, only ASD features and a liking for food but not obese. The hyperphagia in PWS is intense, necessitating locking of cupboards to ensure careful monitoring to make sure non food items aren’t eaten.

PWS presents with behavioural, developmental and feeding challenges from birth.

I absolutely agree that the school should be doing more. Have a look at your local authority's "local offer" page for SEN support which should give a list of what schools should be able to put in place without a diagnosis, without an EHCP, as standard for kids with SEN. Some will be around social emotional mental health needs. If they say they can't do this, then that's good grounds for an ECHP application because the school can't meet need.

I can absolutely understand how she's not been diagnosed or supported properly until now. Secondary school, especially from year 9 onwards, is a lot more socially complex and expectations of behaviour and norms change very quickly. A lot of NT kids feel suddenly left behind; it's often a moment when the wheels fall off for ND kids.

I would start finding opportunities for her to build friendships and self esteem outside of school. If she's keeping up academically, don't put on extra pressure. I agree that soap operas and even tween dramas might be good for her to learn about friendship and social interactions.

Because you can’t always change the environment, or change other people. If your strategy for your child is that they never need to adapt but instead the entirety of the world needs to adapt to them, you are setting them up to fail.

Some autistic people have behaviours that will cause others to avoid them, some have behaviour that will offend or cause hurt or harm to others, especially in long term relationships. You can’t ‘change’ these people to still like your child despite these behaviours.

Yes most people will accommodate some autistic behaviour, but that will go only so far. The autistic person also needs to make some accommodation.

I’ve spent a lot of time on boards for NT people with autistic spouses. It’s really clear that the successful relationships are the ones where the autistic person has some insight into their behaviour and is able to work with that to meet at least some of what their partner needs. And where there is reciprocation from the NT person. The miserable NT wives are ones where the autistic person has little or no self insight and goes about being their ‘authentic self’.

If people don't like my kid cos they are ND then that's not my kid's issue. She is bloody glorious. And yes, you can change the environment to a point. My daughter attends a very small independent specialist school which has allowed her to be herself and become more confident. I'm also autistic. Yes, hurtful behaviour should be avoided. I think it's all kind of moot as OP was saying that her kid needs to be more mature. You can't un-autistic a child and neither should you try. This shows a huge lack of understanding or support.

It is worth getting her tested. The daughter of a friend has it and wasn’t diagnosed until she was about ten I think. It can get missed.

Give her alternatives. She does have a safe space or give space to do certain behaviours in her room

everyone in your home wants and deserves a safe space.

it might be worth looking into some supportive settings for further education where she can’t get some support on developing personal and social skills as well as preparing her for the wider working world

Hello, her diagnosis has been delayed only so i will call them today to pursue it . She’s actually pretty good with period and stuff, little prompting needed but this is after a ton of work

I agree.
Autism isn't an 'excuse' for poor social skills - it is the very reason a person may have poor social skills (one of the diagnostic criteria in fact).
I have two young people with Autism (21 and 18).
Home is their safe space. They can 'be as Autistic as they like' (ie they can relax, be themselves & not have to exhaustively 'mask' they way they do outside). They can come home, and recharge their batteries like all of us do.

However they are aware that not masking outside has social consequences.
It is a trade off between dealing with the masking (of however their particular Autism presents as socially unacceptable - if you've met one person with Autism you've met one person with Autism -) and dealing with the complexites of social interaction (& rejection as that will always be an issue in the background).

I have also used TV series as a 'conversation starter'. We watched the whole of ER (US medical series of about 15 seasons, with surprisingly good social storylines involved in it) during lockdown. Your young person will of course 'make progress' but at their own speed in their own way. The trick is to make them feel accepted just as they are but also help them to navigate the outside world. It's a delicate ongoing balancing act. Just like normal parenting but muc hharder and for much longer!

Don't treat her as though she may have it treat her as she does have it. Read up on autism, watch some videos about it on YouTube to better understand how she is feeling about it all aswell. Us with autism are quite selfish we don't think of other people we think about how it will make us feel. It's hard to think about others when you have so many things already going around your mind constantly that you are trying to keep up with. But honestly from my own experience I can say I have gotten better at thinking about others but sometimes we say thing before we think them over and I don't think that can ever be changed. I still watch cartoons to help me sleep and I'm 34. I struggled with friends in school they came and went but your daughter will make more. You just need to learn how life makes her feel and better understand her needs and see it all from her side.

I thought the OP said she is obese and acts much younger than her age.

I really don't mean to be harsh OP, you clearly have lots going on with your other DC too. It's just so much harder to get help once they turn 18 (depends on CAMHS criteria in your area, but in general), and really if she's finishing Y10 this term you may only have one more year of school left where she at least has that structure and familiarity - 6th form/college is a big change even for NT kids. Keep pushing for the diagnosis and think about what you can do at home. I would suggest trying to sort out table manners and making sure she only has access to healthy foods as a starting point. Maybe lunch can be sandwiches eaten off a paper napkin so there's no plate to lick? Or if it's plated food and she's chief washer-up, can she bring the washing up liquid to the table and squirt her plate as soon as she's finished eating?!

Hi

I am autistic and was also very much like that as a teen. Often acting much younger than my age. My only difference is I speak very quietly. It can be hard to tell how loud to speak with asd so you end up either too loud or too quiet.

At her age I also was watching kids tv shows; and overall very kind but lacked full empathy and understanding of how others feel. It took a few harsh realities and words and a few life events for me to fully grasp this. She isn't doing it because she's naughty she just doesn't put the thought to her actions. That was a very helpful thing for me to hear, that actions have consequences and we should think before we do things and try and think what others would feel before doing it.

I am now 29. I still play games in the garden like trampolining and football and kind of act like a big kid but I am also more mature emotionally. 15 to 18 is a really hard change emotionally in asd kids and other kids they will be naughty and or rebel. It's normal. The screaming and crying...Its from being overwhelmed. Let her calm down and th3n come to her and ask her if she's okay and if you can do anything to help. Offer kindness.

Any more questions please do ask.

Yeah unfortunately i believe that only lofe events where she faces consequences will truly help her. I of course will prepare her as much as i can

Autism isnt an excuse for poor behaviour - and children with it must still be held to account for bahaviours exhibited. the only difference is teaching the child how to idetify and controll said behavious.

What people dislike is people behaving in ways that make them unlikeable.

If a child behaves like this but the parents think that, on principle, the child should not have to change but others should befriend them anyway, then the parents have not served them well.

I think my kids are glorious too. I still teach them how to be well socialized.

Well part of getting an autism diagnosis is social difficulties so expecting ND kids to be “well socialised” is ridiculous.

You can’t expect ND to control all their behaviours. They wouldn’t have a diagnosis if you could and controlling/masking natural behaviours can be hugely damaging.

Everyone can be better or worse socialised.

But you carry on thinking that no autistic person can ever learn or be helped to find ways to have better relationships with other people and have a better life as a result.

what do you suggest? How do you change 15 year old girls who don't like sitting with someone who licks their plate in public? I'm afraid the OP probably can't do that.

Today at school she approached her other close friends group at break and apparently two of the girls said that ‘ they weren’t comfortable adding new people’ breaks my heart honestly. Obviously ive only highlighted the negatives here, but she is such a kind generous and wonderful girl. I really want to help her so others can focus more on that side of her. She had parents evening tonight and smashed it - i dont really help her academically at all as well.

So sorry to hear that happened to her :( I’m also autistic and experienced similar rejection in high school. I found better friends (other people as strange as me!) at university.

Hi
It's ok to feel overwhelmed about your daughters situation, the only thing that can navigate this is the Word of God the doctors can only prescribe medication which is just temporal but God's word over your daughter will bring a permanent healing. The fact is she has ASD but the truth is she is growing in wisdom and might, call forth what you want your daughter to become through the word of God, speak positive words to her. If you need more guidance let me know and I can guide you through it. Your daughter is healed in the name of Jesus Amen

Huh? 🤦‍♀️🙄

@Joycefrancis as a fellow christian, I don't think that have fully considered the OP and her family before posting.

The implication of what you posted is that her daughter is broken and needs fixing by being healed from asd. This is not what she has asked for and I don't think it is an appropriate way to offer to help her.

You will have offended a lot of people with your post and turned people against Christianity

If I were you I would apologise and ask for your original post to be taken down.