AIBU to stop my partner from forcing our daughter into more sports?

[Opalskies]

In my family we have a rule that our kids need to do an athletic activity outside of school. Just one, to keep them active and healthy.

My DH is very athletic, and enjoys a wide range of sports, which is a hobby that he shares with our son. My daughter on the other hand, only enjoys playing tennis, but would much rather be reading or drawing.

The problem is that DH wants our daughter to stop doing the activities she loves and replace them with more sports, something she doesn't want to do.

I don't want to force my daughter into playing additional sports she doesn't want to do, and so I put my foot down, saying no, but my DH keeps insisting.

Am I being unreasonable though?

It sounds like she does plenty so I would absolutely be supporting my daughter in pushing back on DH for another regular activity. If it’s a one off let’s go for a family Saturday afternoon bike ride sort of thing then fine but not an organised weekly club.

it’s important that kids have down time, especially with your daughter at that age- there is a lot of mental growing up and hormones kicking in around age 10 for girls (a bit later for boys) so having time to digest all that, friendship changes/issues and learning social rules of girls, plus learning at school is all full on. I feel it’s important to teach our kids to rest as well so they have a good balance now and later in life, allowing time to know it’s ok to enjoy her less physical hobbies, so I’d def be cutting her some slack considering she already does plenty.

There will likely be more opportunity to try different sports at secondary school when she goes so she might take up something new then but only if SHE chooses- but might be a good compromise with DH to hold fire until then?

I've just read your posts OP but it feels like posters are saying one sport, tennis is enough, especially 6 hours of it. Your husbands plan to force a second sport on her that she does want to do it wrong, because she doesn't want to do it. That is is really damaging to her self esteem for him to tell her the things she wants to do aren't good enough.

The you are shouting back that she does want to do tennis.

I know you said English isn't your first language - are you sure you are understanding what people are saying?

Thank you! I've been learning for a long time now, but I occasionally mess up on either simple words or homophones, and grammar, of course. I don't think it's too bad though.

I think people are being really harsh, OP. The point is, you had a family rule (with a lot of flexibility within it, it sounds like), and - hurrah! Your daughter found a sport she enjoys and will stand her in good stead in the future, as tennis can be as social as you want it to be. But now your husband is changing the rule, and wants her to do something additional. Have you asked him why? I don't think you're unreasonable to say, no, DD is going to stick with tennis and only tennis right now. They both sound like lucky children with parents who are interested in raising well - rounded people and are willing to facilitate that. (PE is nowhere near enough activity for young people, most of it is spent sitting on the sidelines if you're not very motivated!)

I bet she ditches the tennis when she starts secondary school and develops a healthy hatred of PE like most kids.

If my parents had pulled me away from my books to do a sport I really didn’t want to do then I would have had a god awful childhood.
Not all kids are sporty, I have a ds and a dd that are sporty and a creative dd. The first 2 take after their dad and the youngest is like me. Having different hobbies is a part of life and if your dd is fit and healthy doing just the one sport and doing what she really enjoys why the hell is her dad trying to push more on the poor girl? Jesus let her have her own interests it’s her life.

That's why I put my foot down and stopped my husband from forcing it on her. I've said this repeatedly now. I was asking if I was being unreasonable for stopping it.

Like I've said, She chose to do tennis, she chose how often she wanted to go. If she wanted that to change, she would say so. Our children's opinions are very much valued.

Yes, my husband wants her to do another sport, instead of spending Saturday afternoon reading. I don't mind her spending an afternoon with her head in a book if that is what she wants to do. I'm only 'shouting back' at the repeated posters, who claim that she doesn't want to play tennis, when I know she does. People like to make up there own narrative though.

So, yes, I understand perfectly.

Can she swim @Opalskies? Because if she can't, that would be a good idea.

That's why I put my foot down and stopped my husband from forcing it on her. I've said this repeatedly now. I was asking if I was being unreasonable for stopping it.

surely surely you’re not actually unsure about this?

Funnily enough, she does hate PE in school, so did I. Rounders was an absolute nightmare in my opinion. Unfortunately, she has no choice in this matter as it's compulsory.

If she does, she does, but I doubt it. She loves playing tennis with her friends. Though, of course, if it ever changes she can do something else.

The way you describe your ex is exactly the type of behaviour I was describing - it’s definitely a thing.

As I said upthread, it works until early teens, at the most.

I've answered this before, but yes she can swim, she just doesn't enjoy it very much.

If she decides she doesn't want to do organised sports per the "family rule", would she be able to stop? Or would you force her to do something else?

All the drama over the 'rule'.

We have the same 'rule' and it's worked out just fine. It's healthy to 'do' things. It can be hardcore or recreational, team or individual, but it's important for children to view movement and activity as an essential part of a healthy life in our family's opinion. Finding time to be healthy. The only 'sport' we 'required' was swimming lessons when they were young to ensure they were safe in/near the water ... and all went on to swim to a high standard through choice.

Our three children were very active throughout their primary school and secondary years, playing lots of different sports and trying lots of different activities, narrowing their sports down to a favourite as they got older. All different. Oldest is still doing a couple of the sports recreationally at uni and coaches one of them. Middle started a new activity in sixth form and loves it. My youngest is still at secondary and is super committed to her chosen sport, and may even end up coaching in it someday.

I see nothing wrong with raising children up to include some kind of physical movement in their lives and viewing that as healthy and normal. That said, OP's husband is wrong to push for 'more' from his daughter. She is doing a sport (tennis) and other activities that she enjoys.

Aree you honestly saying that her father is telling her to stop reading? I struggle to believe that, he may may well be over emphasising the importance of exercise but I feel you may not be entirely authentic in the way you're presenting this.

Your family rule is they must do a sport, well your DD plays tennis for 6 hours a week, that's perfectly adequate in terms of doing a sport. Your DH and DS like to do more, that's their choice, lots of men prefer sports as hobbies but it doesn't mean your DD should do any more, she has a good balance of sport and other hobbies. Please tell your DH that sports are NOT the only valid pastimes, reading is a great way to spend your time, just because he'd rather do another sport doesn't mean your DD should feel the same way. Tell him to leave the poor girl alone

Not that it's particularly relevant to my post, but where I'm from, people exercise on their breaktimes at all ages, in school and at work.

I don't see how asking a simple question can cause such a divide, and yes, I am unsure, should she be encouraged to do more sports? 'Encouraged' being the key word here and not forced like my husband wants.

Do your children play outside with their friends?

It’s four times a week! That’s a lot of tennis - I hope she still enjoys it. I was expecting a sports activity one day a week. I used to do tennis club one day a week at that age, then camps during school hols, just for fun (as I have no ability at all).
He needs to pipe down.

You have misunderstood

Surely you know you’re not being unreasonable by not making your your daughter, who plays tennis for 1.5 hours multiple times a week, do more sport when she doesn’t want to as loves reading and drawing.

He was on board with the “rule” but now just fancies throwing his weight around

We’ve established that your daughter actually plays sport several times per week, and she enjoys it. 6 hours of tennis a week, coupled with school PE and daily walks to and from school, is enough to keep her healthy.

The bigger issue is your husband, because his approach is potentially counter-productive, and he needs to understand that there’s more than one right way to do things. Your daughter is an independent human being, not an extension of her father.

His insistence that there is no value in spending time reading, writing or doing creative activities is really harmful. Reading is probably the most beneficial activity children can do in terms of their general learning.

Your daughter is approaching the age where many girls begin to switch off from sport, for multiple reasons. If your husband is telling her that the sport she enjoys isn’t good enough, or is insufficiently time-filling, or is too different from what he finds worthy, then she might give up completely.

I don’t imagine this is a particularly happy marriage generally

But the OP isn't about a child that wants to do extra sport. The OP is about a child who doesn't want to do more than the tennis she already does.

Yes, it's great if your child wants to do it. Bloody shit if they don't enjoy it. What I was getting at is that the middle ground is being lost.

The idea that kids need to be doing organised sports or they'll be slobbing in front of the TV all day. Organised sports can feel , to some children, not all like yet another place where they have to be, have to do something to a standard, get chivvied about. For 5 days a week, at school, they are told where to sit, how to behave, judged on their work. Organised sport can be an extension of that in the eyes of a child who isn't that interested. You can be bored doing as much as not doing if you aren't into it.

Kids also get bored easily if they never learn how to entertain themselves. You can bet the bored kids you are talking about weren't allowed out much on their own, weren't permitted to spend much time without their parents, etc.

Kids are naturally good at playing. It's what they do. Put any group of kids in a big field with no tech and watch. Not many whine they are 'bored'.

I used to take kids to forest schools. Kids who had PlayStation's, the works at home. Kids you'd think would be bored to death. You know what they loved? The time we gave them between the learning projects, to play. Nobody was bored. They used their natural environment to create their own sport.

We don't give kids credit or space to be kids. We don't let them be bored, so they don't learn to alleviate it. Part of the problem is the stuff they have, now, but you can take them out of that on a Saturday afternoon without needing to sign them up for two hours of netball.

Kids need this, now more than ever. The chance to just BE kids. To get breathless playing tag with no rules other than what they make up.

Kids are very easily entertained if we let them find out for themselves, instead of telling them how to do it all the time.

Our kids are becoming passive vessels, waiting for adults to fill their time, tell them how to use their energy. I'm not saying there's no place for organised sports. There obviously is. I'm just saying if your kid isn't interested, it might be that they are craving a freedom you just don't get in organised sport. The freedom to play.

NO.

I said that "instead of reading all afternoon (on saturday) that she should do another sport." I have never said, that her father said she can't read at all, or do anything else she likes.)

I don't know how much clearer I can make this when people are either struggling with reading comprehension or are being obtuse.

I hate to burst the narrative you've imagined @Rumbley , but we have a very happy marriage.