AIBU to stop my partner from forcing our daughter into more sports?

[Opalskies]

In my family we have a rule that our kids need to do an athletic activity outside of school. Just one, to keep them active and healthy.

My DH is very athletic, and enjoys a wide range of sports, which is a hobby that he shares with our son. My daughter on the other hand, only enjoys playing tennis, but would much rather be reading or drawing.

The problem is that DH wants our daughter to stop doing the activities she loves and replace them with more sports, something she doesn't want to do.

I don't want to force my daughter into playing additional sports she doesn't want to do, and so I put my foot down, saying no, but my DH keeps insisting.

Am I being unreasonable though?

Assuming your husband isn't nasty and abusive to your DD, this is a non-issue. I'd leave it between the two of them.

He can suggest additional activities that she might enjoy and facilitate running her around to try them out. She can agree to try a couple in the knowledge that either she'll get to return to being left alone soon or she'll find something new to do that she enjoys.

Your daughter enjoys reading, perhaps encourage your husband to read with her and go book shopping etc. Encourage your husband to lean into her hobby, instead of him trying to force her to do more of his hobby.

I used to sort of agree about all children doing a sport until we had a child who had undiagnosed disptraxia until she left school. Looking back, it must have been horrible for them having to do sports in school when she couldn't coordinate hand eye actions.
I now believe just let them do what they want and support them if they are interested.

I have never enjoyed any sport, and I’m not good at them. I went to a school where we were forced to do sports daily, and it’s left me with a lifelong aversion. I’ve no doubt I was fit as a teenager, but I think if I hadn’t been forced into so much sport I might have found something I actually enjoyed.

Are you the OP’s husband?

keeping up with outside passions is important alongside school / homework / revision. But there’s no rule that that has to be solely exercise and happening as much as 4 times a week. It should be the daughter’s choice.

My point was that if she ever decided she wanted to pursue anything else like be in a play, join a choir, join cadets or play an instrument it would be challenging to fit that in on top of FOUR nights a week compulsory tennis plus seeing friends and homework.

AND the husband already feels she should be doing more than 4 nights a week!

As I wrote above, I think it's fine to encourage physical activity and it sounds as though your DD is happy with the sport she's chosen and the amount of time she spends playing. But I'm not surprised at all that your DH isn't much of a reader. It's a shame that he doesn't want her to spend her free time reading. A Saturday afternoon with a book is one of life's great pleasures.

Your DH should respect her choice, not try to insist that she take up another sport just because he likes sports. It would be even better if he tried to meet her halfway, maybe read one of the books she likes and talk to her about why she likes it.

But your husband wants to curtail that.

Time to enjoy the things I enjoy. I'm at my 6th music event this week this evening (writing this in the interval) - 2 streamed in cinemas operas, 1 classical concert, 1 contemporary classical concert , 1 community choir event led by son and a folk concert.

The OP seems to think there's some sort of moral superiority in
being sporty and to have difficulty understanding that people like different things.

@Opalskies I don’t think people are deliberately misunderstanding your posts but it’s confusing because your original post says that your daughter likes doing tennis 4x a week but likes spending her other free time reading and drawing.. but your husband wants her to change that and do more sports.

People are simply saying that they agree that you’re not being unreasonable in standing up to your husband and defending your daughter’s right to pursue her love of reading and drawing as she’s already doing.

But then you get defensive and seem to be on your husband’s side.. or in denial that if she has to spend more time doing sports then it will naturally mean less time doing her other activities.

Tennis 4x a week is plenty. It's a good choice of sport too; whole body, speed, stamina, teamwork. Can be played casually.
(Too much hand-eye co-ordination for me, but even I'll pick up a racket occasionally to keep DS happy for 30 mins)

10 is entering an awkard zone for sporting activity where expectations become more committed and more competitive and that doesn't work for everyone. It makes experimenting harder.

One sport/ physical activity is a sensible rule. It's an important aspect of physical and mental health. But there's no need to add more for the sake of it, and time to immerse in a good book is also mentally healthy too.

PE taught me to hate sport, especially team/ competitive sports. Fortunately I danced (badly) outside school... that became the gateway to yoga, and fitness classes, then circuits then running. It was the foundation of an active healthy adulthood.

yes I thought that was a pretty condescending comment too

I agree and I think the idea of a 'rule' regarding physical exercise is bound to cause rebellion later on. Let kids find out what they enjoy as they grow. You say your daughter likes tennis, that's good surely. Some don't like games but enjoy cycling, swimming, walking.

Drawing and reading is very important.

I've found in my experience sporty people are particularly bad at understanding that other people don't like the same things as they do.

People that are into other pursuits don't take that attitude, getting judgemental about someone who doesn't play an instrument or sniggering at someone who doesn't knit. They tend to just accept that some people are into sports and have no interest in their hobby and this is fine.

I'm generalising here obviously

Absolutely dreadful over bearing behaviour considering she plays so much tennis already and enjoys that. Leave her be. I would kind of get it if she was entirely sedentary but she’s not.

Homestly we are nearly out the other side with teens and the lighter touch parents who listened and supported their kids interests nor enforced them have far better family relationships and happier young adults. The strictest “you must do this sport” family have the worst outcome of anyone we know.

So you were managing to play a sport and mumsnet all afternoon?

good on you Op!

Still makes me chuckle how pissed off you got with us for misunderstanding and apparently he doesn’t want her to stop reading and drawing and we’re being stupid to think otherwise

rather than just reading your OP where you say your dh wants her to “STOP doing the activities she loves”

basically twat of a husband but the OP hasn’t quite got to the point of admitting it to herself yet

of course she’s not passionate about playing tennis

she plays it 4x a week for 90 mins a session. She is a member of a tennis club.

she is 10

strikes me as being rather passionate. Or rather pressured.

That is exactly how I’m reading it too