AIBU to stop my partner from forcing our daughter into more sports?

[Opalskies]

In my family we have a rule that our kids need to do an athletic activity outside of school. Just one, to keep them active and healthy.

My DH is very athletic, and enjoys a wide range of sports, which is a hobby that he shares with our son. My daughter on the other hand, only enjoys playing tennis, but would much rather be reading or drawing.

The problem is that DH wants our daughter to stop doing the activities she loves and replace them with more sports, something she doesn't want to do.

I don't want to force my daughter into playing additional sports she doesn't want to do, and so I put my foot down, saying no, but my DH keeps insisting.

Am I being unreasonable though?

I have resentment towards my mum for so many things(we are no contact) but one thing I always hated was, I was very into music and arts and she forced me to attend Karate instead.

I live in a city and if I lived in most other parts of the area I'm in, it would be difficult for me to allow my daughter outside unsupervised as it's mostly flats, parked cars and a few corner shops. In one area there is a large park but too large for a 10 year old to be at on her own. I'm lucky where I am because there are a lot of kids and an area fairly near that she has been going to with minimal supervision from 5 and now goes unsupervised (although checked) - but that just wouldn't be possible in most other streets in this area. I totally agree that it benefits children but sometimes it's just really not advisable.

Edit: just as an example, on Friday evening I was driving through a specific part of the area near me and there was a bunch of young teens hanging around a bus stop. Great that they were out, but I know they were at the bus stop because there's nowhere else for them to go. It's actually something I raised with the council as they refuse to out benches at any areas where kids might congregate - there's really no real outdoor provision for kids once they're spending less time on playparks even in the very small, basic ones you sometimes get on estates.

If you live rurally it is very possible to have nowhere safe to walk that isn't a car drive away. Roads don't have pavements and farmers fields are private land.

Can I just say op that your command of English is excellent, it's actually really surprising you got of/have mixed up.

That sounds like I'm being snarky but I've genuinely never come across anyone with near perfect command of English get of/have wrong! I know that sounds patronising too btw 😔

They do spend time outside independently, just not anything that would constitute In my opinion as physical activity, for instance walking a couple of minutes to a friend's house. The local park is around 30 minutes away by car, there's a couple of close corner shops nearby.

so I'll ask again, where are they supposed to walk? Just randomly up and down streets?

6 hours of tennis a week is LOADS. Your DH is an arse and unreasonable if he thinks she should be doing more. Reading for pleasure is very important in the long run too.

Does she? Or is it the least worst option, given that you gave her no choice about not doing sport.

But realistically where would she find time to do another activity if she’s doing tennis FOUR nights a week?

Even if she did it every free night it would still be less time than she does tennis.

As soon as she starts secondary school this already isn’t sustainable.

Gosh people have a go at you for no reason…

you are right. She is already participating in one activity she likes (btw 4 days at her age seems a lot😳). There is no need to add another one if she doesnt want to. For what? 4 days 1.5 hrs every time is awful lot but i guess if she really likes it it’s probably fine.

What I said was, that my DH would want her, instead of reading all Saturday afternoon to play another sport instead. Not that every hobby needs to be taken or replaced with sports.

Ok so if she is self conscious about it focus on that see where you can go is there a dance type she wants to try?
or some other form of musical theatre to build her confidence

team sports and activities can be great for building up confidence and fitness but can also be awful if it isn’t your thing

and it sounds as if it isn’t her thing so focus on building up her confidence in things that are her thing and she needs help finding that

Your DH needs to parent the child you have not the one you wanted or yourself

Yes, I completely agree that there are some situations where it can be genuinely dangerous for children to go out on their own. But I do think that many parents with the best of intentions have chosen to limit their children's independence in ways that are unhealthy. Childhood has changed drastically in recent decades and not for the better.

ETA: I missed your edit but I also agree about the lack of places for young people to go in some areas. That is definitely an issue of concern.

I grew up in the countryside- there's plenty of opportunity for walking or cycling.

is it really though?

You have happy memories of your own childhood, who is to say today's kids won't have same happy memories? Let's not forget, it's yesterday's kids "being turfed out" who are today's parents bringing them to various places.

For people like you, who enjoyed their time, how many posters remembering they were bored to death on Sundays and hated weekends as a child.

It is that difficult to believe that children in organised sports shine, and they love being supported by their parents and being part of clubs with their mates?
It never stops them from doing independent activities as soon as they are old enough.

"organised" sport doesn't mean rigid boring torture. It's a mix of learning skills and rule, practicing and having fun. You just have to see kids laughing and having fun with their friends, and it's a good start in life.

I think OP is struggling,
the DH is highly unreasonable about rules regarding sports, and OP can see that his behaviour crosses the line and is here to have that validated -
what has happened is it’s been highlighted just how much the OP colludes with these unreasonable family expectation around sport.
In suspect these parents are caught in the trap of their children needing to showcase to others that they are doing well in school, sports etc..
it must be about showcasing / performative parenting because no reasonable adult would truly believe that this child needs more sport in their lives than they are already doing !!!!
I wonder if the parents are doing two sports or more on top of everything ?????????

performative / showcase parents - UGH

He needs to understand that it can be really harmful when parents demand their kids fit into the box they expect them to.

It's perfectly fine for DD to not be sporty. She is already doing one sport, that's fine. If she has no health or fitness issues then there is absolutely no reason to push her into more.

If he wants her to do more activities outside of school then offer her more academic or arty clubs/classes.

Does he have a tendency to see his way as the best way?

Your husband is an ignorant prat then.

Depends where you live. The lanes around our village are treacherous and have no paving. No way would I let mine roam around on those.

It's even more important in secondary school to keep with sports!

By the time they reach GCSE and real exams, they absolutely need exercise and to clear their head and not spend their entire life in books revising when they don't need to.

Yikes, I'm not going to tell you where I live. Let's just say Wales, anything further is just creepy. 😶 I do find it very strange that you can't tell me where my kids can walk though. Why can't you give examples?

And yes, it is very sad that of all the sports in the world, you don't have one that you enjoy either watching or playing.

So she does lots of exercise (tennis) that she enjoys. Your husband, for some bizarre reason, wants her to do more, that she doesn't want to do (or need, given how much tennis she does). I would put your foot down and tell him to back off. That bit (making her do extra) is what risks putting her off sport

Why? DD loves dance and music, going to concerts, going to theatre (both plays and musicals)

She has been to sport events (DH and DS) but it just isn’t her thing.

People are different and not everyone enjoys sports

I would encourage her to try other sports to see if anything else sticks but wouldn't insist,especially given she is getting enough exercise a week through PE and Tennis.
You m entioned she likes dancing but feels self-concious. Perhaps find her a personal trainer for a bit to build confidence.
P.S.my ExH was absolutely pushy around team sports,esp.rugby as a means of building leadership skill. DC hated and hate team sports (as did I at their age) but love individual sports (which their dad labels "old people's sports"). Doesn't help with relationship in the slightest.

Oh don't waste you're time feeling sorry for me.

I feel really sorry for your daughter. Your husband sounds rigid, unbending and lacking in imagination, and tbh, so do you. Do you often struggle with idea that people like different things?

Oh and your response to my obviously rhetorical question is strange.

They don't do any specific academic clubs or anything like that, but they do study and get good marks on homework and projects. We're not aiming for any scholarship.