AIBU to stop my partner from forcing our daughter into more sports?

[Opalskies]

In my family we have a rule that our kids need to do an athletic activity outside of school. Just one, to keep them active and healthy.

My DH is very athletic, and enjoys a wide range of sports, which is a hobby that he shares with our son. My daughter on the other hand, only enjoys playing tennis, but would much rather be reading or drawing.

The problem is that DH wants our daughter to stop doing the activities she loves and replace them with more sports, something she doesn't want to do.

I don't want to force my daughter into playing additional sports she doesn't want to do, and so I put my foot down, saying no, but my DH keeps insisting.

Am I being unreasonable though?

We had this rule for a very long time as well. It was VERY flexible. DD did one session of football which she clearly hated. Instead she engaged in activities like dance and rock climbing. Perfectly physically active, but not traditional sport.

we had to pause during Covid and did not manage to return after because by then she was older and her schedule was just too busy. Between her school work and some other extracurriculars she took very seriously, there was just no time left. We had to accept that for her mental health something had to be dropped and it wasn’t going to be one of the things she loves the most.

we know we spent enough time instilling the importance of having a physical activity. We hope as an adult without the pressures she is currently facing, she will take those lessons and return to the practice.

tldr: good idea, but your husband is missing the point about balance. You want your child to view this as something they can manage along with the rest of their life, forever.

Yes but I didn't mean or say that there would be no more reading (or any other hobby) full stop . The kids also have to do homework and tidy their bedrooms, sports won't replace that time either.

Have you tried any activity that isn’t sport music/dance/learning a language etc

The OP says her child does like tennis, but let's not make actual facts come into this 😂

Quite clearly your husbands just being a massive arsehole. Protect your children. You clearly know what you need to do.

In my family we have a rule that our kids need to do an athletic activity outside of school. Just one, to keep them active and healthy.

You both sound awful. I hated sports at school and still do. Walking and a healthy diet will keep her active and healthy.

you'd make a child study music? why?

Your H is being ridiculous.

I love reading. I also swim 3 times a week and cycle everywhere. Reading or a calm thing is just as important for my mental health as swimming.

We have the “at least one sport” rule for our 11yo to get him into good habits. He chose hockey. Making him do another would only cause resentment.

but SHE DOESN"T WANT TO.

Is your DH one of those ‘sport is morally better than other activities’ people? Or does he feel that having sporty kids somehow reflects well on him? Is he quite invested in their sport (eg coaching a team)?

I know a few people like that - usually men, usually ex boarding school. They tend to think team sport is very important in forming character in children, because it was for them.

From what I’ve seen, forcing sport onto an unwilling DC only works until early teens. That’s the point at which they just refuse to try and either give up or (if not allowed to give up) turn up and make it very clear they don’t want to be there. At school, they get shouted at and given detentions, but they’d rather do detentions. In any non-school team, they stop getting picked by the coach or the other team members get fed up with them and just work around them.

It’s not an argument you can win. Better to give in gracefully and encourage non sporty activity as well as the tennis.

Sorry you feel that way.

Unfortunately, children can't just go out, for any length of time on their own anymore. We live roughly 10 minutes from school, and they walk to and from school every week. Where are they supposed to walk?

But you did say that, explicitly. If it's not what you meant then fair enough but that is what you said.

Has she ever done an activity (music/dance/drama/language/sewing) that isn’t a sport though?

for example DD hates team sport but dances 3-4 times a week

Can your daughter swim @Opalskies?

Good grief! 😬
I've said countless times now, that she WANTS, LIKES AND ENJOYS playing tennis. Are you being deliberately obtuse?

I've not read all the comments but how about junior park run? Every Sunday. It would only be an extra hour. Great exercise and she might enjoy that.

Is your DH one of those ‘sport is morally better than other activities’ people? Or does he feel that having sporty kids somehow reflects well on him? Is he quite invested in their sport (eg coaching a team)?

It's so insulting to pretend that you can't be sporty AND academic 🙄, or that you are morally superior because you look down at "sports" (which can include anything and everything, the list of "sports" is rather large).

But describing someone in a negative way because they give up their time and coach a team, that's a new one.

I would say yes, they are obtuse.

When posters start to pretend it's a negative to have active kids, let alone be active themselves, it's more about them than anyone else.

I disagree with this post. Children absolutely can and should spend time outside independently at the age of 10. Parents are doing their children no favours at all with excessive supervision and too many organised activities.

Where on earth do you live that they can't walk somewhere?

You're very rigid about sport. I'm not sure why you're sorry for me because I hate sport. I find all of them boring and pointless.

Erm, are both children quite academic too? I’d have thought at that age one would be prioritising tuition for core subjects, rather than sporting? Or is this with good reason, i.e aiming for a sports scholarship for private school fee discount?

@YearlySubscriptionRenewal That is not what I said. Or even implied. I didn’t mention academia at all. And I think its great that coaches give up their time for to coach kids.

What I have observed is that some people can be very invested in team sport, to the extent that they see reading, dance, craft etc as much less valuable. I was asking if the OPs DH was one of those people, as it will help to understand why he’s being so insistent on their DD doing more sport.

Agree with @YearlySubscriptionRenewal that martial arts are worth another go. If she doesn't like the improvisation, groundfighting or intimacy (😅) of judo, she might enjoy the choreography of traditional Japanese jujitsu (not BJJ, which is like judo groundfighting), aikido, karate, taekwondo, or tai chi (in rough order of reduced contact/breakfalls). Try a few clubs and instructors, they vary hugely in quality. I nearly have a brown belt in one of them and like the choreo compared to judo.

She could also try yoga. But above all, don't force her because your DH insists.

@Tiswa She loves dancing but is self - conscious about doing it in a club or as a group activity. She reads, draws, does other crafty things, is bilingual and plays chess, but not in a club, just at home.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom Yes, but it's not really her thing.