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AIBU?

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Original poster

How can I convince Dh to move back home?

239 replies

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 15/05/2025 20:26

We live abroad. We had a great time when a bit younger and it’s a beautiful place, but we’re getting a little older now (mid 40’s) my parents are still ok but obviously ageing and I want to be around for them. I have work here, but would have more choice in the uk. I’d like our Dd to go to school in the uk.
The thought of being here when we’re older and retired makes me feel uneasy, I don’t feel
as secure as i’d like.
He hates the thought of returning to the uk and won’t discuss it.

What do I do?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2025 20:30

The only thing you can do is discuss it. Why does he get to opt out of conversation?

Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 15/05/2025 22:05

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2025 20:30

The only thing you can do is discuss it. Why does he get to opt out of conversation?

Ive said all the positives so many times, he doesn’t want to uproot our lives and thinks the uk is crap now

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 15/05/2025 22:11

I'm with your DH. You and he need to articulate the pros and cons for both (and any other, such as 3rd country) options. Write separate lists first then a joint one, and add emotional as well as practical reasons.

InterIgnis · 15/05/2025 22:18

He hasn’t opted out of the conversation by the sounds of it, he’s clearly communicated that he doesn’t want to return to the UK.

You can’t make a decision for him, only for yourself.

Original poster
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 15/05/2025 22:36

InterIgnis · 15/05/2025 22:18

He hasn’t opted out of the conversation by the sounds of it, he’s clearly communicated that he doesn’t want to return to the UK.

You can’t make a decision for him, only for yourself.

Edited

But we have child? So what’s the answer

OP posts:
ArtTheClown · 15/05/2025 22:41

But we have child? So what’s the answer

Honestly I'd say you're stuck then of he point blank refuses.

rivalsbinge · 15/05/2025 22:46

Depends where you are? Is the UK your native country and his!? Where was you child born are you desperate to move or coukd you just have a break to travel!?

InterIgnis · 15/05/2025 23:06

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 15/05/2025 22:36

But we have child? So what’s the answer

Show quote history

An answer you like? There isn’t one. If it’s a hard no from him you either give up on moving back to the UK and settle where you are, or you split up and deal with whatever that entails regarding the residency of your child.

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 15/05/2025 23:09

Any possibility your parents would move out there and join you?

TipsyRaven247 · 16/05/2025 00:07

You can't force him to go back so you are going to have to choose: either leave your family behind and move back to the UK or stay with the family where you are.

PullTheBricksDown · 16/05/2025 00:11

Are you in a country where he could block you leaving? Or your DD going with you?

Popsicle1981 · 16/05/2025 06:59

You’ve not really sold it to him. ‘We should move back to the UK to take on a couple of decades of care for elderly relatives’

LoveWine123 · 16/05/2025 07:03

Popsicle1981 · 16/05/2025 06:59

You’ve not really sold it to him. ‘We should move back to the UK to take on a couple of decades of care for elderly relatives’

This!

VirgosNeedGoals · 16/05/2025 07:06

All depends what country you're in. If you're in the Swiss Alps or the depths of Oregon looking at mountains and lakes every day he probably has a point!

faerietales · 16/05/2025 07:07

I’m not sure what there is to discuss - you want to move, he doesn’t. There isn’t a solution that’s going to make you both happy.

Unfortunately having DD makes this incredibly hard for you as you can’t just uproot her and take her away from her dad - depending on the country you can even be arrested for abduction if you try and take her without his consent.

Whaleandsnail6 · 16/05/2025 07:07

Both of you have valid arguments but in these situations,I do sway more towards the partner who wants to stay where they are and not uproot their lives, especially if they have kids.

Is there a compromise? Could you spend more time going to visit your parents?

You may have to accept that for now your life with your husband and child is where you are and if you are set on moving, do that when your child is an adult and move alone if needs be. You'll have to decide what is more important to you... living with your husband and returning to UK

ZekeZeke · 16/05/2025 07:11

I wouldn't in a million years uproot my child and husband to move country to look after DH's ageing parents.

What is the benefit in moving?
How far away are you? Is it a 3 hour flight or a 12 hour flight? If it's the first, can you holiday more, visit for a month or two?

CopperWhite · 16/05/2025 07:26

It would be unfair of you to continually try to change his mind after you have been told how he feels. Why would he move to somewhere he doesn’t want to live for the sake of being near your in laws?

Crazyworldmum · 16/05/2025 07:56

Well you must be prepared for him not wanting to return . You don’t say where you live but he might think the same as you that the U.K. is not the place to bring up a family and uprooting your children is wrong . You will need to discuss this together and decide if separating is something worthy of a move . I understand being worried about your parents as my parents live abroad and as they get older it complicates things but maybe consider them moving near you instead if the other way around ?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 16/05/2025 08:11

Was your plan always to move back eventually or were you going to stay forever? Didn't you talk about this before you had a child? Or has one of you suddenly changed your mind? Obviously that can't be helped, but it's not really fair on the one who didn't change their mind, and puts you both in a difficult situation.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 16/05/2025 08:13

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 15/05/2025 22:36

But we have child? So what’s the answer

Show quote history

Well, if you can't come to an agreement, then you split up and you come back to the UK. Given that you're the one making the massive change though, there's a good chance you won't get custody of your child.

BlueMum16 · 16/05/2025 08:14

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 15/05/2025 22:36

But we have child? So what’s the answer

Show quote history

That's your next discussion.

gannett · 16/05/2025 08:18

Bumblebeestiltskin · 16/05/2025 08:11

Was your plan always to move back eventually or were you going to stay forever? Didn't you talk about this before you had a child? Or has one of you suddenly changed your mind? Obviously that can't be helped, but it's not really fair on the one who didn't change their mind, and puts you both in a difficult situation.

Yes I wonder this too. Every couple I know who's moved overseas has had a long-term plan in mind. Not necessarily set in stone and some of those plans have changed a lot but it meant they'd had a conversation which actually explored all avenues, and could continue having that conversation as life went on.

If I was lucky enough to be living somewhere beautiful that wasn't the UK, I wouldn't be hurrying back to become a carer for my partner's parents.

Noshadelamp · 16/05/2025 08:21

You need to look at both sides, not just the positives. Be realistic.

Why did you move abroad in the first place? How long have you been there?

If it wasn't for thinking you need to look after your parents, how would you feel about where you live rn?

"Feeling uneasy" isn't a lot to go on.