How can I convince Dh to move back home?

[Cantstopsneezingatishoo]

We live abroad. We had a great time when a bit younger and it’s a beautiful place, but we’re getting a little older now (mid 40’s) my parents are still ok but obviously ageing and I want to be around for them. I have work here, but would have more choice in the uk. I’d like our Dd to go to school in the uk.
The thought of being here when we’re older and retired makes me feel uneasy, I don’t feel
as secure as i’d like.
He hates the thought of returning to the uk and won’t discuss it.

What do I do?

Speaking as someone a few years older than you who has spent the past two years doing a lot of driving to and from elderly and failing parents, I think you are right to be thinking about this now. Also men are likely to die sooner than women so if you stay where you are, chances are you'll be stuck there yourself at some point.

I think your husband is being selfish. Try to talk to him about this.

I’m curious what it is about uk schools that appeals? I’d also say the job market in the UK is terrible with lots of uncertainty (might be just my sector but I don’t think it is).I wouldn’t move at this stage in life and start again.

I think in situations where there is no compromise (you can’t half move back) I’d generally lean towards the person who wants to maintain the status quo, particularly for a child. I wouldn’t be keen on uprooting my whole life, and the lives of my children just because DH decided he wanted to.

Unless there is some drip feed coming about how where you live is really unsafe, or there’s terrible education etc.

How long have you been in the country?
How old is your DD?

It’s hard to say without knowing where you are. Have the goalposts changed? If you always planned to move back and he’s reneged on that, he isn’t being fair. Why don’t you come to the UK on holiday for a few weeks this summer and reevaluate after that? If you don’t want to live there, you shouldn’t have to. But - you’ll need to think carefully about your DC. Are you the primary caregiver? There’s also always the option of coming back for a visit with DC and not going back. Deceitful but I’ve known people in your position do it.

Why is he selfish?

What would a move look like for all of you? Do you have the means to buy a suitable property? Would you have guaranteed jobs? Would the schools be to your liking there? Would the weather be pleasant? Would you have a support structure of friends and family? Healthcare?

Do you have all of the above where you live now? If so, surely it’s no brainer to stay where you are settled where your DD knows as home.

I’ve seen people move to be near elderly parents with much upheaval only for those parents to die not long after leaving the family stranded in a place they wouldn’t necessarily have chosen with no support structure around them. Madness!

Whatever you do OP, don’t take the advice of people who would blithely raise the nuclear option of near enough kidnapping their child and going against The Hague convention!!

You're basically saying that your feelings, and your wants, are more important and should override his.

@BackyardDreamer - I wasn’t saying it was the right thing to do. I’m saying I know many trailing spouses who have done this out of sheer desperation, well aware of the implications of The Hague Convention. It worked for some, not for others. We can’t really know without knowing more info from the OP.

There’s also always the option of coming back for a visit with DC and not going back. Deceitful but I’ve known people in your position do it.

Don’t do this - if you currently live in a country that is a signatory of The Hague Convention then you would be arrested for kidnapping which will be traumatic for your child.

The only way forward is to talk, talk, talk. Neither of you are being unreasonable but it may take time for a compromise to emerge. By compromise I mean living in a closer third country, moving in X years etc

In the mean time do you research about life in the UK eg what timing means that you’re most likely to get a good school place etc Things will have probably changed a lot since you were here eg state schools and the NHS

It’s still an appalling thing to suggest - OP could end up stuck in the UK and never seeing her child again.

Well this is one of those times that someone loses and someone wins. Is there a middle ground? Not the uk but closer? More time spent in the uk? Another reason to move besides looking after your parents?

my husband and I are immigrants and I went through a wobble about 10 years ago and wanted to move back. My husband was 100% against it so we were still here in the uk. Once I took moving back off the table it was much easier to settle in here and just think about my life properly as an immigrant - not a temporary situation that would end at some point.

It sounds as if he knows he’s got you trapped so can opt out of discussions.

Well, he's not wrong. Do you visit UK regularly?
A friend who has lived abroad for over 30 years started thinking about moving back a few years ago. When she looked into it she realised her standard of living would plummet.
However, he shouldn't just block all discussion. That's not how good relationships work.

Or he’s not going to have the same conversation over and over when he’s already made his thoughts clear. She’s said herself that she’s gone over the positives ‘so many times’, so it doesn’t sound like he’s opted out of discussions at all, but reached a point where he’s not willing to keep repeating himself.

She cannot expect to keep having the same discussion until she gets the response she wants - he’s let her know that isn’t going to happen. OP knows his stance, so she needs to accept that and make her choices from there.

What country are you in? And how old is your child?

I don’t think you can convince him to come back to the UK any more than he can convince you to stay. You are in a stalemate and one of you is going to have to give up your dream or you have to seperate and somehow make it work, which would be very hard on your child as they would be the one who would have to fly from one country to the other.

The UK isn’t in good shape, if I could emigrate I would. Are you sure you aren’t rose-tinting what it would be like to return? If you have been where you are 20+ years, the Uk has deteriorated a lot since your move.

Coukd your parents move to you instead?

Exactly what I said. He’s got her trapped, so his decision is final. No discussion. No compromise. It’s a shitty situation to be in.

He’s got a point tbh, the UK is indeed crap now. You don’t say where you currently live. But I’d think long and hard about dying in this particular ditch!

Hard one if he won't come to the uk possibly divorce . Not good being forced to stay in another country where your not happy

OP should have thought about all this before having a child overseas though.

He’s right, the UK is awful now. If I had a choice I wouldn’t want my child to go to school here.

The cost of living is also absolutely ridiculous now in the UK.

If you have a decent quality of life abroad I would definitely not want to move back.

If he doesn’t want to then you’ll have to divorce and go to court to agree split custody.

This is a shit show of a situation but it's not as bad as having a spouse who is from another country because their ties will always be there - my DB is married to my DSIL who is from another European country and they are stuck with eachother in a very unhappy marriage until the youngest is in college - shes 6 😖.
How old is your child?

The UK isn't great, you can't force him to move back.

Threads like this just show how little consideration people put into creating a life - it’s scary really.