How can I convince Dh to move back home?

[Cantstopsneezingatishoo]

We live abroad. We had a great time when a bit younger and it’s a beautiful place, but we’re getting a little older now (mid 40’s) my parents are still ok but obviously ageing and I want to be around for them. I have work here, but would have more choice in the uk. I’d like our Dd to go to school in the uk.
The thought of being here when we’re older and retired makes me feel uneasy, I don’t feel
as secure as i’d like.
He hates the thought of returning to the uk and won’t discuss it.

What do I do?

I live in Spain with similar aged kids. Are you honestly sure she’d be better off in the U.K.? The lifestyle for young children here is pretty amazing. And she’s presumably growing up bilingual which is a huge gift.

I agree it’s unfair of your husband not to engage in a conversation with you, but maybe you could look for a compromise here? What about returning for secondary school, or for GCSE onwards, when she’ll have that second language fully developed and won’t miss all the sunshine, playgrounds and beaches so much. And in the meantime you take her back to the UK as often as your jobs allow, give her a sense of her British roots as well.

Right now your positions both seem very all-or-nothing.

Off topic but dont think a uk citizen, even if born in Spain, can have Spanish citizenship… Spain has quite a few restrictions on dual citizenships

I am very sympathetic to you OP

If I were you I would work on a sustained campaign to change his mind and persuade him, and also look into legal routes to move your daughter home without him. Even if it takes years, don’t give up.

What is it he likes about living in a tourist resort in Spain? Is he localised and integrated, speaking the language and taking part in the culture?

Why?

Because it’s a very different culture climate , totally different way of living , from school to daily living , the way children are seen and treated .

In what way? I have no recent experience of this

But that is quite clearly not true because that is exactly what you want to do to your husband- you want him to return to the UK when he is adamantly against it. You are being a bit hypocritical, really- essentially you feel it is ok for him to be unhappy in the UK but if he won’t agree to move from Spain then he is being awful and trapping you there.

I understand why you are upset, but the real issue is that you can’t both get what you want and stay together. Therefore, you need to make a choice, bearing in mind the consequences of each option. You won’t get anywhere pretending that he is in the wrong and behaving terribly by not giving in to your wishes because you’d never put him in the same position, when that is patently not the case. You absolutely would, in a heartbeat, if what you have written here is any indication. You know it, he knows it, pretending otherwise just makes you appear disingenuous and as though you are attempting to be emotionally manipulative. It won’t help. I know that sounds harsh, but it is also a reflection of what you have said.

Neither of you are wrong- it’s absolutely understandable that you want to come back to the UK for all the reasons you have outlined and it is also entirely reasonable that your DH wants to stay where you have settled and he is happy. If you are to remain married, then one of you has to live somewhere you don’t want to, and that person may well be miserable if they cannot find a way to come to terms with the situation- however unpalatable you find that. I don’t think he is trapping you, anymore than you would be trapping him. It’s just an unfortunate situation where two partners want different things in a situation where there is no compromise.

I agree you may need one last discussion, with your cards on the table- but don’t threaten anything you won’t actually carry out in an attempt to get your own way- and remember you need to listen to him too. Then you need to accept his decision, just as he will need to respect yours. If your DH does not want to return to the UK then the only question is which do you want more- to remain married and living in Spain with your family, or return home (possibly alone) having ended your marriage?

Climate it’s obvious , culture because everything is done in family , or with family in mind . Schools are very different, from the time they run to the light of the school holidays , no uniforms . Children are accepted as part of society , nobody bats an eyelid if you have to taken with you somewhere like the doctor or if you take them to dinner at 9 pm .

I moved my dc aged 7 and 3 from UK to Australia. The 7 yo was definitely rooted in the UK. At 14 they still talk about it.

Moving to Australia was 💯 the right thing to do for my family (I'm from here, dh is Irish).

You are close enough to the UK to do regular trips home. We spent so much time in Ireland when in the UK that our eldest dc feels a really strong connection there. You could create the same for your dd.

It's hard OP, I know. Dh and I have never said any move is forever. We spent 10 years in the UK, have been in Aus now for almost 7 years, and I think at some point (when my dm and df have passed) we'll ping back.

The problem with such a move is if you do move and he is as unhappy as you say you are, then what? You move again? Keep moving until you both find somewhere you are happy?

It feels like you cannot see any cons in moving back to UK. He clearly does and you have just dismissed them as him being lazy .

Its a huge disruption and overhaul of your lives . Also, he doesn't have parents anymore. Your main reason for moving is to be close to your parents...he no longer has his so I can see why that isnt a big factor for him uprooting his whole life

Its a bit shit that he won't discuss it but ultimately, one of you has to not "win" with this...you cant half live in a place and I do think generally, the one why wants to stay should get more seay as moving abroad is a huge thing.

I think you need to work on being happy in Spain. For now take the idea of moving off the table as your are so focused on it, the fact it can't happen is making you more unhappy.

Throw yourself into what you can do and change. Can you plan longer and more holidays to uk? All learn Spanish? And then once your daughter is grown , and you still want to return to UK, you could do that alone.

I did not say unilaterally

well it is crapper... what is the flight time?

Child of expats moved back (to ireland) aged 9. Traumatised me for decades . DP from america always from the beginning wanted to move back there i agreed, currently no desire to so do, also uprooting 3 BC unimaginable...

it's hardly prison! i know it's not necessarily easy but if you have had a child there youve probably been there a decade or more? I find spanish people the MOST children focused people i have ever known... We are both not from UK, 2 dift countries live apart from family etc.. and it works, perhaps a DH problem underlying? Or having just one DC makes family feel incomplete?