How can I convince Dh to move back home?

[Cantstopsneezingatishoo]

We live abroad. We had a great time when a bit younger and it’s a beautiful place, but we’re getting a little older now (mid 40’s) my parents are still ok but obviously ageing and I want to be around for them. I have work here, but would have more choice in the uk. I’d like our Dd to go to school in the uk.
The thought of being here when we’re older and retired makes me feel uneasy, I don’t feel
as secure as i’d like.
He hates the thought of returning to the uk and won’t discuss it.

What do I do?

He can’t stonewall you on this discussion.

Suggest sitting down and taking a business like rather than an emotional approach.

Often people living abroad live in the short term, especially in younger years. You need to map out exactly what the following scenarios will look like, in terms of your relationships, finances, housing, citizenship, and back up plans eg in case of ill health or death.

1. What is best for your child for her schooling, her identity, her relationships and her growth
2. What will happen when/if she decides to move to the Uk (eg for university) and when/if she decides to settle in the Uk, strat a family.
3. Where do you want to retire and how?
4. Should you have marriage counselling to guide you through this difficult and fundamental decision, to stay or to go? How protected are you in case your marriage breaks down?
5. What will happen if you can’t reach an agreement. Will you divorce? How will custody work?

Strongly suggest an external mediator to help you have these serious conversations- they are more important than anything else as it’s basically your life plan and shared values. Good luck.

It depends if the father is also British or not!

This is the best answer actually and a version of the conversation we had when ‘let’s have an adventure overseas for a few years’ turned into something else altogether. Ended up staying and have moved on from any regrets. These are actually really important considerations throughout any marriage just with substituting the details.

Depending on how old your daughter is, but paying international fees for university. You need to be U.K. resident for 3 years for home fees.

Was your child born in the UK or out there?

You can’t make him move back if he just refuses. You can divorce and go through court to decide custody of your child. Maybe he would move if the choice is move or divorce but if he really isn’t interested in moving back here then all you can do is decide for yourself and work out how to share your child.

What compromise is possible? They moved abroad and had a child. He wants to stay there. The OP wants to go back to the UK. The choice is therefore a binary one surely? What compromise do you envisage being an acceptable outcome for both?

TBH your DH has a valid point. Country going to pot. Where are you? Europe? Further afield?

How long have you been living abroad ? Is it Europe or further afield? If you've been there a while, then he's going to take a lot of persuading...

Is it possible to re-visit the UK for a while to see how the land lies here and whether re-establishing a life back here is feasible rather than just thinking in terms of packing up and leaving ?

Well depends a lot on which country and their working and schooling situations. They could move to a closer place but still Europe for example. They could take 6 months off to trial living in the uk to see what it feels like. They could agree to spend 2 months a year here. They could buy a small flat near their parents to stay in more regularly. Depending on their income and situations there are in between options that might suit everyone instead of one person being terribly unhappy.

I sympathise. How old is your child? In my situation children came to the UK for university and stayed. It made the decision for me very easy.

This is the risk you take when you have a child abroad - assuming he has parental responsibility (or the local alternative), you can't take the child abroad without his consent. If you divorce you'd presumably need to go to court to do that.

I highly do not reccomend comming back to the uk for your DD's school!! Our curriculm is crap, and since brexit the international oportunities for people with british education is questionable, and university degrees and placments/internaltion masters/phd programs are less now too. I regret comming back to the uk when i was younger and not finishing my eduction in france - especially as now, if i wanted to go do my job in france i would have to re-qualify on Eurocodes, where as if i came from the EU to the uk, i do not have to requalify.

The uk is going to hell at the moment, and moving back would not be in anyones best interests, other than prehaps your parents - would they consider moving to you instead?
Would you conisder a different country other than the uk?

Then if you think your child’s life chances would be better in the UK eg school, university education, no military service, fluent English etc then that needs to be your argument, but be prepared for him to counter it with other arguments eg a less pressured childhood, less anxiety about violence, drugs, more personal freedom etc.

Could your parents move to you instead?

And others who have suggested the same ....

Why on God's green Earth should op's parents, who are presumably elderly, uproot their entire lives to move to a country where, again presumably, they will know no-one other than op and her family, will be faced with unfamiliar language, legal system, healthcare system, local customs, with all the stress that would go along with all of that.

He's right - the UK is crap at the moment.

Can you afford to move back would be a major consideration
What's wrong with the schools were you are & what makes you think they are better in the UK?

I guess you chose to have a child in that country so you now don’t have much choice but to stay there if your husband doesn’t want to return to the UK and you do. It’s difficult when you want two completely different things where there is no middle ground of compromise.
In an ideal world you’d discuss it and come to a decision you’re both happy with but that doesn’t seem possible here. Ultimately you could choose returning to the UK over your marriage but if he won’t agree to let you bring your child with you (understandably) then you have to live with the consequences of your earlier decisions to move to that country and have a child there. You could always move back by yourself/with your child once they reach 18 if they choose to come with you.

Does your child have citizenship in the country where you currently reside? If not and your child will face any kind of a barriers building a life there as an adult, then I would use that as an argument for moving now to a location where the education will match where your child will need to live and work .

if your child is fine staying local forever, then it’s much harder. You could try taking the issue to the courts, but you will likely lose. That is the risk of moving abroad and anchoring yourself with a child. You can leave, but you can’t just take your child.

There is an international law called the Hague convention that prohibits the removal of children to another country by one parent, without the other parent's permission. It's a scary law: If a parent does this, they're charged with kidnapping and arrested, and the offence carries jail time. 103 countries are signed up to it.

So it's certainly not just about UK law.

I do wonder how it works in practice, though. It's all very well to have your wife arrested, but that means you have to be the only caregiver for your children, and we all know how many men would LOVE that!

This is an important point. If the only citizenship and passport your child has is British, then giving her some kind of root in - and knowledge of - the UK is important.

She needs to know her own country well, especially if it’s her only country, and especially in this volatile world…

Nb migrants / expats often have a negatively biased view of their own country, in this case the UK. It’s frankly not hellish, crap or going to the dogs. These are typical complaints usually made from people who live in an expat echo chamber. It is still one of the safest and most prosperous countries in the world by global ranking. It has tons of problems - but these are the same as those suffered by other similar countries. Finally, belonging is important. Don’t underestimate the draw of one’s home country. It might not be logical but it’s a strong human driver. Don’t forget that historically, exile was a punishment….

He HAS discussed it.

He has told you his answer and his wishes.

The fact that they don't match yours doesn't equal 'won't discuss it.'

He's getting angry because you aren't listening to his reasons.

Obviously we don't know where you are and how it compares.

Some countries are dire prospects especially for women and girls. Others make the UK look like a backward hole.

Is it that you live in his home country (luggage, family, culture are his etc) and want to go home?

Is it that you're both expats aka immigrants?

I take it you're British yourself.

That would be against international law, especially if the country she is in is signed up to the Hague Convention. It would be classed as child abduction.

Who says the daughter will even want to go to university in the uk?

A flawless plan, what could possibly go wrong?
Sometimes I wonder if people join this forum with the sole purpose of causing harm

We’re both British, dc has a British passport

It takes two yesses to move and one yes to stay.
You cannot decide to have kids elsewhere with a consenting partner then change your mind and unilaterally decide to take them out either.

So: you are free to go but only alone.

Anything else goes through negotiation with him.

What did you think would happen?!