How can I convince Dh to move back home?

[Cantstopsneezingatishoo]

We live abroad. We had a great time when a bit younger and it’s a beautiful place, but we’re getting a little older now (mid 40’s) my parents are still ok but obviously ageing and I want to be around for them. I have work here, but would have more choice in the uk. I’d like our Dd to go to school in the uk.
The thought of being here when we’re older and retired makes me feel uneasy, I don’t feel
as secure as i’d like.
He hates the thought of returning to the uk and won’t discuss it.

What do I do?

It sounds like they’ve had many a discussion, but rather than accept his answer OP wants to keep having them until she gets what she wants. What compromise has she offered?

’Having her trapped’ rather suggests he’s behaving malignantly towards her by not giving her what she wants. He isn’t.

She isn’t wrong to want to move back, but he isn’t wrong to not want to move to a country he doesn’t want to live in to act as carers for his in laws. I wouldn’t do it either, or entertain my spouse trying to browbeat me into it.

Hi OP. It's a tough situation - it would be interesting to know the country as there are lots of countries that I wouldn't want to live in as an older person. The UK definitely has its challenges but to be honest these seem to be challenges which are affecting most European/English-speaking countries. You would need your husband to be on board with whatever you decide though.

I think the simple answer to this is that OP cannot force her DH to move back to the UK.

If she wants to come back, she can do so.

However it's unlikely to be reasonable (and from some countries not even lawful) for her to bring her child with her.

So OP's choices are to stay with her DH and child in the country she is in, or come back to the UK alone.

It's not fair or reasonable for her to continually badger her DH to try to get him to change his mind. He's made it quite clear he wants to stay where they are, and in the absence of agreement, the status quo wins out.

The UK is far from crap now, every country has ups and downs, atm there is a world recession.

Your husband must give up his negative attitude and at least be prepared to discuss this as it is important to you. However you must consider his point of view, he is your husband after all and comes before your parents, and your children if they are old enough to have opinions on the subject.

The DH hasn't 'trapped' anyone. If this was a reverse, would we say OP had trapped her DH? It's just an awkward set of circumstances.

Is there room for compromise? That would be the first thing to discuss.

So he has discussed it then?

He has discussed it, and for many valid reasons, he doesn't want to move.

Or take the child back to the UK and leave the husband there

He’s not wrong it is crap! You both need to make pro and con lists then sit down and discuss

She can’t do that without his permission - it’s child abduction.

You can’t really compromise though - you can’t half move to a country!

You know which country OP is in?
UK laws do not apply universally, you know

Only a grade A cunt would remove their child from a loving parent, their school and everything they know because they've changed their mind and can't get their own way.

It may not be unlawful.

It would, however, be completely unreasonable to unilaterally decide to uproot your child from the country they live in and away from one of their parents, and take them to a country they likely don't know at all or remember. A properly selfish dick move that no reasonable parent would consider.

How old is your dc? I think if they are mid teens it’s very disruptive to move. However if they are primary age I’d be looking to discuss moving in the next few years - depends a bit on school system where you are.

What was the agreement before you moved abroad? Did you ever talk about moving back as your parents age ? It’s obviously fine for either to change your mind but just to get context.

if his life is good there and the family is happy, you may need to do some research to demonstrate you could have a good / better life in the uk. It is a tough decision and you both need to be on board. He’s unreasonable not to discuss it in detail - whatever the decision he should consider your argument carefully.

It’s not a UK law that I’m referring to 🤷‍♀️

It is not at all unlikely that the Hague Convention will apply.

In the event that a child is taken from a non Hague signatory to the UK, that also doesn’t have relevant bilateral agreements with the UK, a complaining parent will still have recourse in the UK and can be returned to their place of habitual residence.

’Just go’ is shit advice.

He has discussed it.

He doesn’t ‘need’ to have a positive attitude towards moving to the UK, or of the UK at all.

He as a point the uk is really is crap now.

Where do you live? The UK is a bit shit right now, sorry, so I see your H's point.

In pretty much ANY country he block the daughter leaving. Look up Hague convention.

He can veto her plans with zero discussion or compromise (look into schools, make plans to move back at secondary/uni age) and she has no say. That’s being trapped. Never move abroad with kids! How’s the marriage otherwise? Could you invest in a house here and spend long summers here? Would he at least agree to that?

Exactly. He has told the OP but she's unwilling to accept his views. That's not fair to the dh.

OP, I do feel sorry for you that you feel unhappy with your situation but you have to make decisions for yourself, you can't force another person to do what you want. Your dh has told you that he'd be unhappy returning to the UK, he seems happy with the life you've created abroad and you have to accept that.

What you can do is decide whether you want to seperate/arrange custody and then you move back to the UK and take on all that goes with that (a lot of upheaval for your dc flying back and forth between the 2 countries to spend time with each parent for example) or, change your mindset about living abroad.

Why exactly are you worried about your future there and why now? This must have been something you thought about years ago when you first settled there so what's changed? Think carefully about what you'd like to have in your life with regards to work, friends, social life etc etc and if you don't currently have what you want then what steps can you take to make it all happen there? Retrain for better work opportunities? Improve fluency skills if language is a barrier to better work opportunities? Join clubs to make more local friends? Travel to the UK more often to see your parents or ask them if they'd like to live in your country?

Fwiw, I wouldn't want my dc going to school in the UK. I love my parents very much and I'd want to help them as much as I could but, if I was in your situation, I wouldn't try to force my dh and dc to move country to be near to my parents, forcing them to leave behind a life they were happy with.
If you've been away for a long time, how do you know you would be happy living in the UK?

I hope you find some peace and happiness OP. If you come back to the thread and give further info maybe posters can help you find a solution that is reasonable for everyone involved.

Not being willing to have the same conversation repeatedly is not the same as there having been no discussion, and why wouldn’t he be able to veto her plans when they depend on him going along with them?

Going along with what she wants isn’t a compromise. Why would he pay lip service to planning something he has no interest in doing, over being honest and upfront with her?

She very much has a say, she just isn’t entitled to get exactly what she wants.

She can come to the UK alone if she wants to. He's not stopping that. She's not trapped.

He just doesn't want to come too.

He can, almost certainly and dependent on country, stop her from dragging her child across the world away from the only life they've known and away from one of their loving parents. And he'd be quite right in doing so, because it clearly wouldn't be in the best interests of the child. Hopefully OP wouldn't be selfish enough to even attempt to do that.