How can I convince Dh to move back home?

[Cantstopsneezingatishoo]

We live abroad. We had a great time when a bit younger and it’s a beautiful place, but we’re getting a little older now (mid 40’s) my parents are still ok but obviously ageing and I want to be around for them. I have work here, but would have more choice in the uk. I’d like our Dd to go to school in the uk.
The thought of being here when we’re older and retired makes me feel uneasy, I don’t feel
as secure as i’d like.
He hates the thought of returning to the uk and won’t discuss it.

What do I do?

Your husband believes otherwise 🤷🏻‍♀️ in practice, it doesn’t automatically follow that a parent wanting to believe something will be better for their child (which just so happens to be something that would be better for the parent), means that it actually will be better for their child.

As it stands, this isn’t a theory you’re going to be able to test.

@Cantstopsneezingatishoo why did you move to Spain? What do you both do there? Have you just grown to totally resent it?

Yes, same in our family, but English is obviously still the dominant language

Yes of course they are MORE attached to their parents (mother AND father). I am not arguing it would be better for her to stay there if you both went back.

That doesn't mean she isn't rooted in her country and her community and you wouldn't do harm moving her out.

And don't forget, it's not two parents versus one child here. It's you OR the dad, and on top of that the disruption away from Spain.

Honestly, it sucks. You ARE trapped. But you trapped yourself and you can't make it better now by anything other than either finding a solution with your husband, or abducting your own child. The latter is seriously frowned upon.

Not exactly appealing, no. Plus, the cost of living seems so high in the UK from what I read on here.

Conversely, I went to school with other immigrant children that very much struggled with being moved from their home country to that of their parents*, and never considered the country they were moved to, to be home for them. Some did return as adults, and others moved somewhere else entirely.

*and these were cases where both parents were on the same page, unlike you and your DH.

She also has prospects in the a member country of the EU, arguably more than she would in the UK (even if that requires moving from your specific area in Spain).

I'd be thinking about this for my child tbh.

You may have a rose tinted view of the UK as your dh is right, the UK is a very tough place to live now.
I think in particular school-wise, there's very little chance of the experience being better here. I'm fact, the UK school system is an absolute disaster right now and we're considering moving to to Europe for our DC's sake.

That said it seems to be mainly about your feelings and they are what they are, so I'd tell your DH it's making you reconsider the marriage, if indeed it is, and see how he reacts.
If not, be grateful for cheap flights. And sun.

Yes, this, but I don't think the OP is interested in entertaining the idea that this might apply to her child.

She wants her child's interests to be as she presumes them, not her husband, or the law, or best practice.

Because she doesn't want to admit she wants to move back DESPITE (or regardless of) the burden it would put on her daughter.

She is just miserable. Which... sucks.

The writing at school was more of an issue as only ever did written schoolwork in Spanish

I really feel for you OP.

Unfortunately too many men are comfortable just sticking to what they want, regardless of the impact on their wife. .

I agree with you that being surrounded by her extended family is better for your daughter No child can have too much love.

Look up Hague Mothers. Speak to a solicitor specializing in this area. If you want to go back to the UK,,and I think this is a better option than living with and being dependent on a man you will increasingly resent and despise, you need to find a way to go back home. It might be a long hard struggle but some women find a way. You never know, if you really start to take action, your H may wake up and agree to move back. Once back you can get on with divorcing him.

I really can’t agree with posters saying it too much of an uproot for her daughter to go to
tje UK. Get a grip people, she’s 7! She’ll adapt fine!

There are many children at my children’s schools who don’t speak English at home and are succeeding in an English speaking school so I am surprised that she’s struggling as well. Usually takes around a year for a child to be fully bilingual but if your daughter was born in Spain she should be much further along. was she in an English speaking nursery or something?

worth remembering that many, many people immigrate and settle into their new country, raising children in an very different place to where they grew up. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, and nothing inherently wrong with finding a place where you want to be in the world and making it happen. Unfortunately that happened for your husband and not for you. I really do understand - my husband is much more himself in Scotland than I’ll ever be, but at this point I’m not really American either.

in all honesty are you sure it would be that much better here? Am guessing you’d find plenty of things aren’t as great as you’re picturing - grass is always greener etc. Is it just to see family? I obviously am the outlier here as I think the uk and Spain are super close together and live thousands of miles further away from my parents - not to say I recommend that mind!

I empathise with you, it's a tough situation.
I think this is something you both must find a way to discuss properly. He can't simply shut you down as "UK is horrible right now", its not like that. Many countries are going through crisis... but people like to complain and if you believe what you read you'd think the UK was going down the drain...
Anyway I diverge... there must be room for discussion, what does each of your professional futures look like in Spain and UK? And personal lives? How about your daughter’s? You need ro talk about this, although legally she os rooted there and you know you can't take her away, it's not reasonable for a partner to simply put his foot down about about HE thinks is best without discussions.
But do get her Spanish citizenship, you'll regreti it if you don't. It will mean so many more doors are open for her future, and it makes no difference about the fact you can't uproot her form there on your own (you can't anyway, having a Spanish passport doesn't change that).

This absolutely, and those posters telling her her dh is awful and terrible because he's not falling into line with what she wants aren't helpful.
The dd doesn't come across as unhappy, or not settled.
Op want to move comes across as inherently selfish, the move is for the better for her and for her parents.

‘I want to return to the UK because it’s in the best interests of my child’ is an easier sell to both herself and others than ‘I want to uproot the life of my husband and child because I want to go home to the UK’. Acknowledging that it may not be in her child’s best interests would also mean having to accept that she’s prioritizing what she wants over what is best for her family, and/or coming to terms with giving up what she wants.

Although coming to terms with giving up what she wants seems to be something she will need to do.

A 7 year old can absolutely be rooted in the country they were born and raised in, and removing them from said country does not mean they’ll cease to consider it home. That the destination country is the home of a parent/their parent does not mean such a move cannot be harmful.

Some of us have been an emigrant child ourselves, and are speaking from personal experience. Something being inconvenient for you does not mean it isn’t true.

I lived in another country until I was almost five - came back for school. I can barely remember anything about it and couldn’t feel more English.

I don't imagine you're finding this conversation particularly helpful, op. So many tangents people want to go on.

Im with your hubby , no way would I I take my child from Spain that is completely family oriented to come to the uk . It will be a massive shock .

I was 5 years old when my parents moved us half way across the UK, I felt very uprooted at the time and for a while afterwards to.

There is quite a developmental difference between a (neurotypical) child of 5 and a child of 7.

But yes, some children are absolutely fine emigrating. Others aren’t. Insisting that ‘children adapt, she’ll be fine’ because it suits your narrative to do so does not make it true, any more than not wanting something to be true means that it isn’t. That the child may very well already be rooted in the country she was born and is being raised in is not something that can or should be dismissed outright as a serious consideration.

And I spent my entire childhood moving. I didn't feel "rooted" to any place, only to my family.

So we can agree to disagree, that it is not one shoe to fit every foot.

(FFS why are people still banging on about this)

My DCs were older than yours when I brought them back to the UK without their DF. No regrets and the DC (now adults) are pleased that we left and have never viewed it as a bad move. They found new friends and integrated easily so I don't think that is always a big issue, but it may depend on the child and the support network. I had family to come back to. Career wise, it has been a bonus for the DC to have a useful second language from their early years abroad.

I was fortunate not to be married to my DP (DC's father) and I left without warning for good reasons. I was advised to go to court immediately I got to the UK to apply for sole parental responsibility. DP did contest it but was unsuccessful and only got visiting rights. This was a few years ago and it was probably much easier in my situation than for someone who was married and not suffering from the obvious DV that helped my case.

I’m sorry you are experiencing this OP. Keep bigging up the benefits and joys of the UK to your daughter, keep up her English and take her to see her wider family as often as you can and she might want to go back too. In the meantime do everything you can to develop your career, either by trying to find a pathway in Spain, working remotely, or starting your own business for expats or similar. Your husband sounds a loser - letting his family struggle financially and refusing to make changes that could improve your situation. What does he love about Spain? The weather? Golf? Doesn’t he miss his own family?