How can I convince Dh to move back home?

[Cantstopsneezingatishoo]

We live abroad. We had a great time when a bit younger and it’s a beautiful place, but we’re getting a little older now (mid 40’s) my parents are still ok but obviously ageing and I want to be around for them. I have work here, but would have more choice in the uk. I’d like our Dd to go to school in the uk.
The thought of being here when we’re older and retired makes me feel uneasy, I don’t feel
as secure as i’d like.
He hates the thought of returning to the uk and won’t discuss it.

What do I do?

No, she’s not.

Thanks for the sensitive replies…

The law will say otherwise. She was born in Spain and lives in Spain - you can’t just take her away from that.

I’m sorry it must be very difficult but you can’t take your daughter back to the UK without your dh agreeing to it.

Oh come off it. You (and the OP’s husband) know that his saying no to returning is trapping her there because he also gets to say where the child lives so she has no options. He has complete control over where she lives. It’s a shitty situation for her. I’d always tell my kids to never have kids in or move with kids to another country unless they are 100% certain this where they want to live forever. OP, it sounds as if you won’t persuade him and he doesn’t have to even pretend to listen to you. Is there a chance of spending more holiday time in the UK? Though if you have a career your holiday time will be limited.

Oh please. Let’s uproot everyone’s home, only place the child knows and grown up in, work, everything. Oh and go look after ops parents.

I know this ffs!! I never said I was just going to take her, I was expressing how miserable it is to be somewhere you don’t want to be, away from
family you worry about, old friends, no chance of a proper career or anything for yourself, feeling vulnerable and worry about the future, waking every day feeling like you’re in a trap. But I know, I can’t just take her and wouldn’t.

I’m so sorry OP. Does your husband even care about how unhappy you are?

Thing is, you say you shouldn’t have to live somewhere you don’t want to but why should he? He wants to stay, you want to go so only viable solution is to separate. Hideous as that is. This is one of those situations where you CANT both win. It’s not like you want a pizza and he wants a kebab, this is a big deal. Whoever compromises will be resentful which is crap in a relationship.

This is how I feel…if he felt like I do and was desperate to be home with his parents and family I wouldn’t stay

It IS true, in the legal sense, and also very very very likely in actuality. You are just only now realizing, from the sound of it, that Spain is home for your child. You might wish you can pass on belonging by virtue of being her mum, but that's not how it works. A lesson many expats learn (myself included)!

Look, I can see this is a surprise. And I can see you feel like we're insensitive.

If this is about having a moan about being homesick, sure, we do understand.

If this is actually wanting to move her away from home to what you wish were her home: just. no. luck. There is no moral way to do that at this point against the wishes of her loving father. That's the default you guys created together, voluntarily or not.

So does your daughter also qualify for citizenship in Spain?

She hasn’t got it

Me neither. I couldn’t watch someone I supposedly loved struggle like this. I would find being in your situation extremely difficult- and if he won’t even empathise, that’s just awful. Did you initially plan to live in Spain forever?

I’m stuck here forever then

I never think in forever, but no, always to settle back in the uk

yes, but does she qualify easily? That is the key. If she is just like any other random applicant, then keeping her there could be detrimental to her future. However, if all she needs to do is fill out some paperwork, then it is a non-issue.

I am in a group for expats and this is probably the number one topic of discussion and debate.

I like the the idea of unemotional Pros and Cons lists. But be prepared for him not to budge and you remain stuck where you are for decades.

And figure out a way for you to work through the resentment.

She could probably get it easily, but I’ve deliberately not so far

There’s no way I could keep
someone somewhere feeling miserable for decades

Your DH has told you he will be miserable in the UK. This is exactly what you want to do.

I have a lot of sympathy for you but by the sounds of it one of you has to be miserable and the law is on his side.

Unfortunately it's a harsh lesson learned.

But you want to move him to the UK where he'll be miserable. What's the difference?

Then why are you asking him to return to the UK?

He’s not stopping you from returning if you want to. You just won’t be able to return in the way that best suits you.

Exactly this.

Plus your opening post seemed far less certain that you want to leave. In that post you said you feel uneasy at the thought of eventually retiring in Spain and don’t feel as settled as you’d like. That’s a far cry from your subsequent “I hate it here and am
utterly miserable” posts. Which is it?