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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How can I convince Dh to move back home?

239 replies

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 15/05/2025 20:26

We live abroad. We had a great time when a bit younger and it’s a beautiful place, but we’re getting a little older now (mid 40’s) my parents are still ok but obviously ageing and I want to be around for them. I have work here, but would have more choice in the uk. I’d like our Dd to go to school in the uk.
The thought of being here when we’re older and retired makes me feel uneasy, I don’t feel
as secure as i’d like.
He hates the thought of returning to the uk and won’t discuss it.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Zezet · 16/05/2025 15:43

Topseyt123 · 16/05/2025 15:24

That would be against international law, especially if the country she is in is signed up to the Hague Convention. It would be classed as child abduction.

This, 100%. Criterion is usual place of residence, not passport.

You created a TCK whether you intended to or not

2JFDIYOLO · 16/05/2025 15:44

I mean language not luggage!

faerietales · 16/05/2025 15:48

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 15:42

We’re both British, dc has a British passport

You've put yourself in a very vulnerable position.

Your DD having a British passport isn't relevant here - she is "ordinarily resident" in an overseas country and that is the country that counts.

You can't take her back to the UK without her dad's permission. If you do try, he can have you arrested for child abduction under international law.

2JFDIYOLO · 16/05/2025 15:49

Is it a non English speaking country? That could be a point for you.

But it may be that the benefits of living in that country could outweigh the pull of returning to the UK.

Funds permitting you could buy a small place here and alternate your time. Spend time with parents and maintain UK ties. Then when she's old enough she can decide where to live/study.

Zezet · 16/05/2025 15:50

There's no indication in the OP that he trapped her, for God's sake. Her now wanting to move and them having a child does not a trap constitute.

Mum's feelings don't trump habitual residence. Neither does passport. There's no exceptions to international law - or decency - for "but I didn't think it through".

Talk to him. Don't talk at him. And take him seriously too.

jacks11 · 16/05/2025 16:35

It sounds like you have discussed it on more than one occasion as you say you have gone over the positives “many times”, but he think the UK is not a good place to live and so does not want to move back. That means you HAVE discussed it and you have both given your reasons for your views on coming back vs staying. You just haven’t managed to come to a mutually agreeable position.

This means you. are being disingenuous to say he won’t discuss it. He has, he just does not share your views and won’t agree with what you want. That is not the same thing as not discussing it at all, is it?!

If you want helpful answers, not just ones telling you he is awful for not discussing it with you or doing what you want, you need to be honest in your posts- and quite possibly with yourself.

The bottom line is that there is no true compromise if you are to stay together- you either move to the the UK or you don’t. You might be able to soften the blow for whichever one does not get their preference- a bolt hole in the UK or where you live now, for instance. Or longer holidays to one or the other, if employment/ education and finances allow. But you can only live in one place or the other. No compromises there.

You can’t force your DH to move, you can only make the decision for you and you alone. So, if your DH is adamant he does not want to move back to the UK (which it sounds like) then you have to accept his choice and make the best choice for you, considering all the factors and consequences.

Your choices are to stay with your family where you are and make your peace with it, or end your marriage and move back to the UK (possibly without your child if your DH won’t agree to allow them to move to the UK). You can’t make decisions for your husband, just as he can’t make them for you.

The fact your DC has a British passport does not automatically mean you can remove her without her father’s consent, so you would need to think about how that impacts your decision- is he likely to allow it? If not, what does that mean for you? As others have said, if the country you currently reside in is a signatory to The Hague convention or has a bilateral agreement with the UK (which between them cover the majority of countries, though not all) removing your child from their country of usual residence without the permission of their other parent (presuming you both have parental rights) is an offence. If you did so, you could be charged with child abduction (and other offences) which could result in a jail sentence, as well as potentially losing custody of your child with little (likely supervised) contact.

I wish you well, it’s not a great situation to be in. But you do need to be honest with yourself - he isn’t “refusing to discuss moving”, he is refusing to move.

InterIgnis · 16/05/2025 16:41

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 15:42

We’re both British, dc has a British passport

It doesn’t matter. Neither of you, nor your child, are habitually resident in the UK.

InterIgnis · 16/05/2025 16:51

EdisinBurgh · 16/05/2025 15:20

This is an important point. If the only citizenship and passport your child has is British, then giving her some kind of root in - and knowledge of - the UK is important.

She needs to know her own country well, especially if it’s her only country, and especially in this volatile world…

Nb migrants / expats often have a negatively biased view of their own country, in this case the UK. It’s frankly not hellish, crap or going to the dogs. These are typical complaints usually made from people who live in an expat echo chamber. It is still one of the safest and most prosperous countries in the world by global ranking. It has tons of problems - but these are the same as those suffered by other similar countries. Finally, belonging is important. Don’t underestimate the draw of one’s home country. It might not be logical but it’s a strong human driver. Don’t forget that historically, exile was a punishment….

The UK could be objectively flawless, it doesn’t mean he is required to like it or want to live there. He’s fully entitled to consider it a crap prospect that offers a comparatively poorer quality of life.

As for their daughter, her ‘roots’ may very well be where she is now, not in the country where her parents are from. She may even never develop ‘roots’ that emotionally tie her to any one place geographically, and be grateful for it. While the draw of one’s own country isn’t something you should underestimate, it should not be overestimated either.

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 17:14

We haven’t discussed it numerous times, ive ‘Tried’ numerous times to try and discuss it and put across the reasons why, he won’t
properly discuss it, does that mean I just have to be unhappy somewhere I don’t want to be for the rest of my life

OP posts:
LeavesTrees · 16/05/2025 17:21

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 17:14

We haven’t discussed it numerous times, ive ‘Tried’ numerous times to try and discuss it and put across the reasons why, he won’t
properly discuss it, does that mean I just have to be unhappy somewhere I don’t want to be for the rest of my life

But it doesn’t mean your DH should be unhappy either.

Where would your child be happy? Are they old enough to say where they would like to live?

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 17:28

V adaptable and outgoing child, would make friends anywhere and would benefit from having our families around, I believe
Still young and I think the earlier the better and before really setlled

OP posts:
Ffggewf · 16/05/2025 17:34

What's the country you are currently in.

Crazyworldmum · 16/05/2025 17:39

What country are you in ?

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 17:41

Spain

OP posts:
TinyTempest · 16/05/2025 17:46

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 17:28

V adaptable and outgoing child, would make friends anywhere and would benefit from having our families around, I believe
Still young and I think the earlier the better and before really setlled

How old?

PurpleThistle7 · 16/05/2025 17:47

InterIgnis · 16/05/2025 16:51

The UK could be objectively flawless, it doesn’t mean he is required to like it or want to live there. He’s fully entitled to consider it a crap prospect that offers a comparatively poorer quality of life.

As for their daughter, her ‘roots’ may very well be where she is now, not in the country where her parents are from. She may even never develop ‘roots’ that emotionally tie her to any one place geographically, and be grateful for it. While the draw of one’s own country isn’t something you should underestimate, it should not be overestimated either.

My children would be horrified if we decided to move back to our home country. It’s definitely not theirs even though they have citizenship. They are firmly Scottish - were born here and are growing up here. Where their parents grew up is mostly meaningless

WilfredsPies · 16/05/2025 17:51

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 17:14

We haven’t discussed it numerous times, ive ‘Tried’ numerous times to try and discuss it and put across the reasons why, he won’t
properly discuss it, does that mean I just have to be unhappy somewhere I don’t want to be for the rest of my life

If you want to stay married and living with your child, then yes, it means exactly that.

Your only other option is to leave him, return to the UK and either hope he allows your DC to go with you, or be prepared to co parent from the UK, only seeing your child in the school holidays.

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 17:56

WilfredsPies · 16/05/2025 17:51

If you want to stay married and living with your child, then yes, it means exactly that.

Your only other option is to leave him, return to the UK and either hope he allows your DC to go with you, or be prepared to co parent from the UK, only seeing your child in the school holidays.

Obviously would never leave my child

OP posts:
Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 17:57

TinyTempest · 16/05/2025 17:46

How old?

7

OP posts:
Zezet · 16/05/2025 18:01

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 17:57

7

A 7-year-old IS firmly rooted.

faerietales · 16/05/2025 18:03

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 17:14

We haven’t discussed it numerous times, ive ‘Tried’ numerous times to try and discuss it and put across the reasons why, he won’t
properly discuss it, does that mean I just have to be unhappy somewhere I don’t want to be for the rest of my life

Yes, if you want to stay living in the same country as daughter, that’s exactly what it means.

She is ordinarily resident of Spain - it’s her home. You can’t just take her away from that because you’ve changed your mind about living there - that’s something you should have thought about before having a child abroad, as harsh as it sounds.

CandidHedgehog · 16/05/2025 18:05

It’s very unlikely the Spanish courts would let you leave with your child. Unless you think he will consent to you taking your child with you, you have to assume your child is staying in Spain at least until 18 (and chances are they won’t want to leave then) and make your decisions accordingly.

I’m sorry, I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.

PurpleThistle7 · 16/05/2025 18:07

I think it would be helpful to lay out exactly what you want to return for - do you know you can both get well paying jobs? Can you afford a home here? What’s your specific proposal?

I agree that just because something felt fun a decade ago doesn’t mean it needs to be your life for the next decade, so always worth checking in. But unfortunately the default now is that you’re there and he’s happy so all the onus is on you if you want to change something.

mrsm43s · 16/05/2025 18:14

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 17:14

We haven’t discussed it numerous times, ive ‘Tried’ numerous times to try and discuss it and put across the reasons why, he won’t
properly discuss it, does that mean I just have to be unhappy somewhere I don’t want to be for the rest of my life

Based on the further information that you have given, that you are in Spain, with a settled 7 year old child who is Ordinarily Resident in Spain and that you are not prepared to live in a different country to your child, then yes, that's exactly what it means.

Your choices are stay in Spain together as a family
or
Separate and stay in Spain until DD is 18 (when she can choose where she lives)
or
Move back to the UK alone.

Your DH has discussed it with you. He's said he doesn't want to move back to the UK. You cannot make him move, and you cannot move your DD to the UK without his permission. So yes, you are stuck in Spain for the next 11 years minimum or you live in a different country to your DD.

viques · 16/05/2025 18:20

Cantstopsneezingatishoo · 16/05/2025 17:41

Spain

In that case I would stay. I read somewhere that the Spanish economy is on the up after many years of high unemployment especially among young people. Education and health care is good.

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