DH threw a tantrum and so I'm taking a pause

[SaraG3018]

Hi all... first time posting on here but no idea what to do.

DD #1 is almost 6 and DD #2 is 6 months. DH has been really stepping up with DD1, kind of taking a kid each, since I had my second DD. At the same time he's had a tricky period and work and I can see he's more stressed.

However, it's been taking its toll on his patience. I often found him growling or yelling at DD1... it felt like though he'd never fully yell at her it was always raised voices and irrelevant threats and punishments. Just the opposite of all gentle parenting guidelines. I've tried to sort this with creating written house rules we both agreed on to help DD1's behaviour, thereby removing the need for arguments or silly uses of no screen time etc. It's kind of working, e.g. you won't pick up your toys ok we'll take this one away. Point to this is just flagging he's been emotional lately and I've been a bit concerned about the effect on DD1.

ANYWAY last night my sister, who just had a baby, asked us both on our WhatsApp group who took which nights with DD2. I laughed and told her I always do all nights, to which she jokingly said wow that's not fair. DH responded with a full tantrum. Excerpts from the tantrum include him saying 'what is maternity leave for, doing f all, am I to give birth then sit around doing f all while he looks after DD1 goes to work does chores and now is expected to also look after DD2 at night, did our mother not teach us anything, why don't I just f'ing marry my sister's husband if he's so perfect'... he stomped about literally kicking toys across the room. Speaking in this way isn't normal for him but in the early days of marriage ten years ago I did have to calm these sorts of outbursts during arguments. I thought he had mellowed out.

I didn't say a word on response to ask this but have quietly booked myself and the girls a hotel for a couple nights. He's going to come home tomorrow to an empty nest.

SO my question. I feel like i can't stand for this type of emotional un-regulation.. but for the kids' sake... should I? AIBU? Despite tonight and the bad moods with DD1 overall he's a very thoughtful and loving father to them. Am I overreacting?

Please don't let anyone sway your judgement when it comes to kids. If it feels OK to you both then it's good.

You’re going to remove the kids to a hotel for a couple of nights over this with zero discussion? I’d be livid if my DH just unilaterally took the kids away after an argument. You both sound stressed, why not sit down and discuss it rationally?

The tantrum sounds like a big reaction and obviously not okay but it sounds like maybe he feels a bit unappreciated? If he's working hard and also helping with the kids and chores as well, im not sure how via a txt message "wow that's not fair" can come across as a joke because it seems like quite a criticism of him? Like if he's already feeling quite stressed and stretched a bit thin, being told that he should also do more is making him feel not good enough?
i think if he's working full time, and you are home with the baby, (6 year old at school presumably?) you do have the chance to rest while the baby naps, i think it's pretty common as a Mum home with baby to take all the wakings while Dad works full time.
I think an open conversation about how you divide tasks or how he is managing is in order, I'd try and talk and resolve the issue rather than disappearing with the children.

His behaviour is unacceptable and this seems to have gone on for some time. What's he doing about it? Therapy, exercise, medication, fewer hours, looking for another job, anger management...

I wouldn't want to live with someone who has tantrums and growls at my children. He needs to sort himself out.

This

You both sound very stressed and to leave without discussion is not the answer.

Cut yourselves some slack. Your sister had no right to make that comment, its up to you and your DH how you arrange things. He shouldn't have gone off on one but I can see how it might have built up to that. You walking out even for one night will only make things worse unless of course you feel you and the DC are in danger from him.

Are you saying you are not going to tell him at all, so he comes home to an empty house as a complete shock? If so I think that's pretty poor on your part and will do serious damage to your marriage. It's not the way to deal with problems in a marriage.

Your joke backfired as he’s stressed at work and feels unappreciated at home despite stepping up. He’s not had a “tantrum”, which sounds as if you’re patronising a child, but has lost his temper. Yes, he was wrong but you need to work together to avert and avoid flashpoints to be the parents your children deserve.

Yes, I think you’re overreacting. After the WhatsApp ‘joke’ (which isn’t a joke) if he’s a good father and husband, why wouldn’t you say something to that effect? You hung him out to dry. Yes, he was unreasonable in his reaction. It sounds as though he’s under stress generally - and probably both of you are. In a marriage you work together. What is it you want him to do? Taking off with the kids lacks maturity in itself. So he comes home and everyone is just not there and he doesn’t know what’s happening? That’s cruel.

OOF, this is a difficult one, and it absolutely depends on the circumstances, but I think you might be giving him a slightly rough ride. He is working, stressful job, he does his share. You are on maternity leave, and having been wound up by others, you think the share is no longer fair, or his style of parenting is not quite yours, and have voiced it. He has reacted badly to this, and you have responded by taking his kids away from him "quietly" but deliberately for several nights, as, I think, a sort of punishment (only my own view of course). It isn't really about the kids is it? I am sure your daughters will have a nice time with you in the hotel, and maybe it will give you a bit of time back to reflect. For him, unless there is a sub-context that I am not getting, I suspect abject misery and confusion, and wondering where he went wrong. Sorry, I know it is hard, but you need to talk - there are times when people have to just go, for the protection of their children, and themselves, and leave no forwarding details, but unless I am missing something, this is not one of them. Again, every situation is different so my comments should be viewed in this light. Sorry not to be more helpful xx

You are throwing your own brand of tantrum to book you and the kids a hotel with no explanation to him. Basically snatching his kids away as some kind of protest but not talking with him to resolve any poor feeling. Its actually incredibly toxic, hoping he will feel punished rather than heard. Cancel the hotel. Order a takeaway and discuss what is going wrong in the house at the moment.

Your sister stepped out of line and suggested that DH is basically doing a shit job because he's not looking after your child at night too. Yes it was a massive overreaction, but we all have the straw that broke the camels back. I'd feel pretty fucked off if my DH sister commented on what's "fair" in my household. Does he feel like your family are critical of him regularly? On top of that, perhaps your comments on "that's against gentle parent guidelines" are being perceived as another snub against his abilities and he just hit breaking point.

You'll have plenty of people on here telling you to leave him and telling you to book a hotel for him and let him stay there - some bullshit like that. Please note - I always suspect these women would never say boo to their spouse in real life. So don't let them make you feel bad or guilty, or gaslight you into thinking you're a pushover just because you're going to think practically and with empathy rather than with a gunslinger zero tolerance attitude. He is not a child you need to take 'things' away from to punish.

Please don't let him come home to find you'd all disappeared. Imagine how you'd feel if he did that to you. A couple of nights away may not be a bad idea, but please tell him.

For me having 2 small kids has been hands down the most stressful thing I've ever done. It's absolutely relentless. A tantrum's not okay but at the same time is is okay to have a lapse in not being able to cope with things after 10 year.

I'd emphasise the tantrum was not an acceptable way to express his stress and can't be repeated. However, I imagine everyone's had low moments under stress but hopefully they're not so low that we can't pick ourselves up and move forward and do better.

I would tell him that you're taking both kids away for a couple of nights so that he has a chance to recharge and regroup, and then you'll talk after that.

I'm assuming from what you've said that he's generally trying and you don't want to blow up your marriage.

He needs to sort himself out when it comes to parenting DD1. Tbh, unless it's something that absolutely demands a response, challenging behaviour should be mostly ignored and praise and love heaped on when a small child is getting to grips with having a new sibling. Lower standards if need be - up the screen time, layer on the treats, crack out the beige food - but whatever you do, praise, praise, praise and cuddle, cuddle, cuddle. It's a lonely place being an older sibling being pushed out by a new baby, and the last thing your DD1 needs is someone nitpicking and niggling aggressively at her - she needs positive parenting more than ever and your DH needs to understand this.

Not nice of husband, nor acceptable.
Not nice of sister to suggest that he wasn't pulling his weight and you to kind of agree.
Both of you are exhausted, you more so, but fair enough that you do the night times with baby when he has to drive to work each day.
Reset to support each other in calm parenting.

I think what you're doing is exactly the right thing. Absolutely no fucker gets to scream and shout at me in my own house. Either this will bring him up short and make him realise he needs to be a decent partner and parent. Or he will react badly and you should think about whether life would look much better for you all without him.

I would let him know that you're okay but not where you are if he's likely to storm over there and throw another tantrum. Put the ball very firmly into his court. His problem. He needs to figure out a pathway to solving it. It's not your job to do it for him. Good luck.

So you're going to spend the next few days and nights in a hotel room on your own with both children. Meanwhile he's home with the place to himself to relax.

Not sure you've fully thought this out

You sound horrible. Did you have to hang him out to dry like that? Also going away with the kids to punish him and him Coming home to an ‘empty nest’ is devious and disgusting.

I agree with the pp who suggested letting him know you’re doing this to give him some breathing space as you can see how stressed he’s been lately. Suggest he takes the time to speak to his GP also.
you aren’t horrible and I well remember those exhausting early days with two. Maybe also apologise for not leaping in to defend him when your sister criticised, but explain that you’re also feeling stressed.

I did every single night because my partner needed his sleep.

He had parental leave and I still did everything even though I was recovering from a caesarean section. He just stayed home and played video games and complained.

Your husband is abusive. You’re not overreacting. He knows he’s a lazy POS. He just doesn’t like that others are seeing him for what he is.

This is a terrible idea. She shouldn’t have to placate his feelings!! He’s abusive - she should just leave!

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. I'd be telling him he gets help, sorts his moods out, or you'll look at divorce. What a pos he is to treat you like this!

I would have agreed with you except the part where you said ‘he is helping with the kids’ , no he is being a parent & doing the chores in a house he lives in. He is not doing her a favour he is part of a team, until women get out of these 1950’s mentality nothing will change.

Ok. I meant he is "doing his share of parenting the children" but you can nitpick my words if you like 🤷‍♀️

I don't think you should tolerate his behavior at all, but I am concerned you leaving the house with the children without warning / discussion might be breaking some laws around parental custody / abandonment of the home/ removal of minors etc.

It’s clear he’s struggling to cope and while you can empathise with that and can want to support him with that, it has to be balanced with you and your children’s needs not to be exposed to frightening behaviour. Ultimately he needs to be taking responsibility for what is a pattern of behaviour where he cannot contain or regulate himself and if he’s not doing that it’s reasonable for you to protect yourself and the kids. That said, it’s not clear if you’ve really shared your concerns with him about how he’s been behaving and highlighted he needs to do something about it. I’d therefore probably use this as an opportunity to really challenge him and to figure out if he knows he has a problem, if he seems remorseful and if he has any intention of doing anything about it. His response will help to determine your next steps.