DH threw a tantrum and so I'm taking a pause

[SaraG3018]

Hi all... first time posting on here but no idea what to do.

DD #1 is almost 6 and DD #2 is 6 months. DH has been really stepping up with DD1, kind of taking a kid each, since I had my second DD. At the same time he's had a tricky period and work and I can see he's more stressed.

However, it's been taking its toll on his patience. I often found him growling or yelling at DD1... it felt like though he'd never fully yell at her it was always raised voices and irrelevant threats and punishments. Just the opposite of all gentle parenting guidelines. I've tried to sort this with creating written house rules we both agreed on to help DD1's behaviour, thereby removing the need for arguments or silly uses of no screen time etc. It's kind of working, e.g. you won't pick up your toys ok we'll take this one away. Point to this is just flagging he's been emotional lately and I've been a bit concerned about the effect on DD1.

ANYWAY last night my sister, who just had a baby, asked us both on our WhatsApp group who took which nights with DD2. I laughed and told her I always do all nights, to which she jokingly said wow that's not fair. DH responded with a full tantrum. Excerpts from the tantrum include him saying 'what is maternity leave for, doing f all, am I to give birth then sit around doing f all while he looks after DD1 goes to work does chores and now is expected to also look after DD2 at night, did our mother not teach us anything, why don't I just f'ing marry my sister's husband if he's so perfect'... he stomped about literally kicking toys across the room. Speaking in this way isn't normal for him but in the early days of marriage ten years ago I did have to calm these sorts of outbursts during arguments. I thought he had mellowed out.

I didn't say a word on response to ask this but have quietly booked myself and the girls a hotel for a couple nights. He's going to come home tomorrow to an empty nest.

SO my question. I feel like i can't stand for this type of emotional un-regulation.. but for the kids' sake... should I? AIBU? Despite tonight and the bad moods with DD1 overall he's a very thoughtful and loving father to them. Am I overreacting?

@SouthLondonMum22
have you never met an adult who vents their frustration. Never had anyone stomp out of a room , beep there horn , raised there Voice , slam a door the list is endless . Yes adults lose their temper.
It doesn’t mean they are violent people not everyone just goes oh golly gosh that’s annoying.
ops DH was upset , I would be two he had just been belittled by op and her sister.

What a disgusting sexist post.

As if the OP doesn't need her sleep to look after 2 kids and safely drive them round etc. She needs it every bit as much as him.

She's fucking working full time as well raising kids. If a professional childminder or teacher was turning up utterly exhausted for work would that be OK because they're only looking after kids?

Plus he's an abusive shouty cunt who's damaging his daughter.

OP I'm really surprised at lots of the responses.

I'm with you. I'm not sure about the hotel plan but just because you're on mat leave doesn't mean he can work an 8 (plus 2?) hour day and you have to work a 24 hour day.

Also, domestic violence starts with kicking things near you. Start keeping a diary.

I hope you're ok.

At the same time as swearing at me? No.

It isn't something I'd tolerate from DH. It's perfectly possible to be upset and not be so aggressive about it.

Feel better after that do we? 🤣

@SouthLondonMum22
what a lovely rosey world you live in if you have never been swore at .

The fact that he's stepping up with work and your eldest DD suggests he's not an AH, but he is out if his depth atm. He definitely should not be acting this way with DD and I would be totally pissed off and protective too. Sounds like he is struggling, it could well be his mental health but might not even realise it, so taking the girls away is a really bad idea and I dont think he would ever let that slide so I'm intrigued what happened now it's a few days later. Would anyone be able to have the girl's in a few months time and you both go away for 2 nights so u both have something to look forward to? It's this sort of behaviour and non recognition (from both of us) that hasn't recently led to me and DH splitting up and he has now moved out

Before your sister put her 2p in where you happy with the arrangement. Each of you looking after one child?

Yes, I have.

The question to ask is, would they do that in the office? or to their mum / someone they respect? Or is it only their wife & children that are on the receiving end?

"Crime of passion" is a defence of the strong at the expense of the weak.
People who are physically weaker can't afford to lose their temper under pressure for fear of the consequences.

Not by my own DH, no. It's not something I'd tolerate if I was either.

i lived this
the yelling turned to putting hands on me whilst pregnant.

id just pack up and leave but I’m probably a terrible person
i I hope you’re feeling better today x

Nobody is perfect. Not DH not the DCs and not you, OP.
You are going through a stressful, tiring time with a working spouse & 2 children including a baby. It's difficult to meet everyone's needs and expectations.
That shouldn't come as a surprise!

Your response to it is to secretly run away. Do you seriously believe this is the best response ? Do you seriously believe this will definitely help to improve your family's situation? That it won't harm your relationship?
I promise you, this won't be the only time there are rocks in your road. That's life!
Are you always going to use running away as a tactic to improve matters?

It absolutely categorically IS psychologically harmful. There is a large evidence base. I sense this is a blind spot for you. If it’s because you do this, don’t feel bad. Lots of parents struggle to stay regulated. Children push lots of buttons. It’s understandable. AND harmful. AND the responsibility of the adults to sort it out and it’s never too late.

It absolutely categorically IS psychologically harmful. There is a large evidence base. I sense this is a blind spot for you. If it’s because you do this, don’t feel bad. Lots of parents struggle to stay regulated. Children push lots of buttons. It’s understandable. AND harmful. AND the responsibility of the adults to sort it out and it’s never too late.

This

Yes what is maternity leave for if not to look after baby

Does the baby just disappear at the end of maternity leave?

So if he does do something it was her fault she pushed him to it? You're a real nasty piece of work going by all your comments on here.

@SaraG3018 I hope you're okay?
You're not overreacting, Sara. You’ve been carrying so much, and your instinct to protect the girls is completely valid. His outburst was unacceptable, even if he’s stressed. Taking space was okay, but now it’s time to talk. Be honest, set boundaries, and suggest support—maybe therapy too. If he’s a loving dad underneath it all, he’ll want to work through this. You both deserve better balance and emotional safety at home.

Maternity leave is for the mother to recover from child birth!! It's not just for the baby. FFS. If you gave birth, but had the baby adopted, you'd still get maternity leave while your body adjusts.

The message was a bit thoughtless. But He definitely has had a tantrum. He could have replied to the message by saying “we work out our own way” plus perhaps talking to OP. What he did was lose his temper about the message from someone else, and not tried to talk about how he, or OP feels about it.

As I posted this in May and cannot recall the thread, I don’t feel in a position to respond to you.