DH threw a tantrum and so I'm taking a pause

[SaraG3018]

Hi all... first time posting on here but no idea what to do.

DD #1 is almost 6 and DD #2 is 6 months. DH has been really stepping up with DD1, kind of taking a kid each, since I had my second DD. At the same time he's had a tricky period and work and I can see he's more stressed.

However, it's been taking its toll on his patience. I often found him growling or yelling at DD1... it felt like though he'd never fully yell at her it was always raised voices and irrelevant threats and punishments. Just the opposite of all gentle parenting guidelines. I've tried to sort this with creating written house rules we both agreed on to help DD1's behaviour, thereby removing the need for arguments or silly uses of no screen time etc. It's kind of working, e.g. you won't pick up your toys ok we'll take this one away. Point to this is just flagging he's been emotional lately and I've been a bit concerned about the effect on DD1.

ANYWAY last night my sister, who just had a baby, asked us both on our WhatsApp group who took which nights with DD2. I laughed and told her I always do all nights, to which she jokingly said wow that's not fair. DH responded with a full tantrum. Excerpts from the tantrum include him saying 'what is maternity leave for, doing f all, am I to give birth then sit around doing f all while he looks after DD1 goes to work does chores and now is expected to also look after DD2 at night, did our mother not teach us anything, why don't I just f'ing marry my sister's husband if he's so perfect'... he stomped about literally kicking toys across the room. Speaking in this way isn't normal for him but in the early days of marriage ten years ago I did have to calm these sorts of outbursts during arguments. I thought he had mellowed out.

I didn't say a word on response to ask this but have quietly booked myself and the girls a hotel for a couple nights. He's going to come home tomorrow to an empty nest.

SO my question. I feel like i can't stand for this type of emotional un-regulation.. but for the kids' sake... should I? AIBU? Despite tonight and the bad moods with DD1 overall he's a very thoughtful and loving father to them. Am I overreacting?

If he's working full time and you're at home with the kids then you do the nights
He needs his sleep to be productive at work to keep a roof over your head (rent/mortgage) and food in your bellies
It's not rocket science
The outburst was probably due to your sarcasm in replying to the comment
I don't condone his behaviour but maybe look at yours as well as his
And totally uncalled for to remove yourself and your/his children without him knowing where they are

A useful thing I have used when talking about this sort of stuff with my partner, is to remind him that they are learning about future relationships, and how they should expect to be treated by a man, from him. If he would like your daughter to choose a man that makes her cry every day, because this is how she's been brought up to believe that's how she should be treated, then he's making the right decisions for how he is choosing to behave. If he would rather that she were treated a different way, then maybe he should think differently about how he treats her.

That message was nasty. I don’t know why people have to post text messages like that. My DH’s family do and it makes me so mad. Taking the kids away seems really unfair unless you send them to family and you stay with him so you both get a break together. Tiredness and stress does impact your ability to manage behaviour - I train teachers and I see it all the time - so don’t be too hard on him for that. See if you can find a way to reset together x

The poster is a little bully ganging up with her sister against her own husband. The mocking and the hotel booking are either side of his reaction. And guess which one you're calling out?

It literally works both ways.

Just wondering what she really is trying to push him to do. Obviously comes from a family of bullies and narcissists.

Oh no. I do agree with you that the OP and her sister were out of line, but don't underestimate how scary it is watching a grown adult having a tantrum.

My second husband used to do a lot of what I called "non-contact violence" - thumping the kitchen counter, kicking or banging the radiator, etc. It was noisy and frightening.

"Frightening" ffs. I find underhand narcissistic behaviour more frightening and deliberate than fists banging on a table in a temper tbh

Given the statistics on angry men harming their partners and kids you are right to make sure you're safe.

He needs to get a grip.

He hasn't harmed anyone. Stop being dramatic.

Have I understood correctly - you are going to leave the family home, with your children, because your husband had a rant and kicked a few toys around? You don't say you were frightened or that it was in front of the children, so assuming neither is the case then YABU. He overeacted and you're overeacting even more!

have you remembered that she’s not the one making a little girl cry regularly?

Things like sharing the load really need to be worked out before a second child is conceived.

If your DH shouts at your DD he should be made aware that she will grow up shouting at others - and him.
Not all children mimic their parents when they grow up, but there is a fair chance if a child thinks shouting at someone is the only way to get results.

In an ideal world, children should be brought up with calm and quietness, and love, but the world is far from ideal. We can improve situations by sitting down and working out a way to come to some sort of shared arrangement. Perhaps you should exchange the care of the DD and DB so that DH isn't having the responsibility of one 6 year old, and plays a bigger part in the carer of DB.

The DD1 then doesn't feel that her DM has turned the attention to DB2 and abandoned her to be shouted at by DH. Also, DD2 should be equally attended to by the DH so that she knows she has two parents.

If you think leaving and going to a hotel room is better than sitting down and discussing the situation calmly and without yelling at one another, then go ahead, but I think that would be a mistake. Wait until the children are teens, then take them away for a change of scenery.

If you change their environment suddenly, on a whim, you reduce their security and confidence.

You also let them think that at the first sign of controversy, running away is the answer, instead of facing responsibility.

How many children does your DS have . Does her DH work all day then look after another child like your DH .
why just disappear with your children don’t people sit down and talk anymore. Tell your DH your feelings.
I did all night feeds as I felt it was unfair on DH as I had a chance to have a nap in the day . When things became too much i told him I was struggling could he please do a Friday or Saturday night ( he does not work weekends) he stepped up no problems.

Having worked with DV survivors and some who didn't survive, I'm not being dramatic ,Stop minimising abuse.

He hasn't harmed anyone YET. Let's hope he doesn't get the chance

I can’t say how you should resolve this, but these kind of men drive me mad. He works presumably regular office hours then comes home and supervises a 6 year old then has a full night’s sleep. You on the other hand work 24/7 to care for your new baby and my guess is you do a lot of the domestic work too. You do this on broken sleep. And yes I think looking after a baby is work. As a single parent I somehow manage to work full time, parent my toddler and not have massive tantrums, and I’ll bet many other parents do this too. So I think your husband is letting you down, I agree with your sister if I’m honest although I can also see the point that she doesn’t know the ins and outs of your relationship.

You're literally accusing him of doing something he hasn't done. Stop it. And yes you are being dramatic.

You're guessing a lot aren't you?

Getting dysregulated like that regularly is harmful to children. Fact.

Stomping around shouting and kicking toys IS harmful if the child witnessed it. And it's scary. It's a very small step from kicking things to intentionally breaking things and from there to hitting someone.

I have a lot of sympathy for the DH, who possibly has his own stresses at work to deal with on top of his family responsibilities. BUT that sort of intimidating behaviour is a choice (make no mistake about this - just ask if he would do it at work, say) and needs nipping in the bud.

Once more. You're being overly dramatic. It's not harmful at all. Maybe the Mum should step up and the the child to do as her told instead of the lazy peaceful parenting approach (in other words...let the child do as they please). There'd be less frustration all round.

what I don’t understand is op gently parents the children, so values there feeling ect , but won’t apply the same to her DH .
Had her child shouted, kicked things I’m sure a conversation would have been had about how it’s ok to be cross but there are ways of expressing your anger, talk it through. But her DH nope pack the kids up and move to a hotel .

My ex lost his temper a few times, did like 24 hours silent treatment that kind of thing.
It was really unsettling.
I did a Claire's law request and found out he'd committed rape and a religious hate crime in the past. They should have a discussion, but anger is JUST as harmful as actual violence. It's especially bad for children.

You expect a child to sometimes shout and kick things. DH is a grown man, not a child.

Your husband sounds emotionally draining, and not just for you. Screaming at your daughter then being a “great” dad after is so confusing. I grew up in a household like that. There’s a poem I have directed people too in situations like this by Rupi Kaur:

“every time you
tell your daughter
you yell at her
out of love
you teach her to confuse
anger with kindness
which seems like a good idea
till she grows up to
trust men who hurt her
cause they look so much
like you.”

I don’t let anyone behave in such mixed ways around my daughter . I’ve had a lot of bad relationships due to thinking things were normal.

So while you may not think his behaviour is serious, it’s serious for your child. I’d rather be single than deal with that.