DH threw a tantrum and so I'm taking a pause

[SaraG3018]

Hi all... first time posting on here but no idea what to do.

DD #1 is almost 6 and DD #2 is 6 months. DH has been really stepping up with DD1, kind of taking a kid each, since I had my second DD. At the same time he's had a tricky period and work and I can see he's more stressed.

However, it's been taking its toll on his patience. I often found him growling or yelling at DD1... it felt like though he'd never fully yell at her it was always raised voices and irrelevant threats and punishments. Just the opposite of all gentle parenting guidelines. I've tried to sort this with creating written house rules we both agreed on to help DD1's behaviour, thereby removing the need for arguments or silly uses of no screen time etc. It's kind of working, e.g. you won't pick up your toys ok we'll take this one away. Point to this is just flagging he's been emotional lately and I've been a bit concerned about the effect on DD1.

ANYWAY last night my sister, who just had a baby, asked us both on our WhatsApp group who took which nights with DD2. I laughed and told her I always do all nights, to which she jokingly said wow that's not fair. DH responded with a full tantrum. Excerpts from the tantrum include him saying 'what is maternity leave for, doing f all, am I to give birth then sit around doing f all while he looks after DD1 goes to work does chores and now is expected to also look after DD2 at night, did our mother not teach us anything, why don't I just f'ing marry my sister's husband if he's so perfect'... he stomped about literally kicking toys across the room. Speaking in this way isn't normal for him but in the early days of marriage ten years ago I did have to calm these sorts of outbursts during arguments. I thought he had mellowed out.

I didn't say a word on response to ask this but have quietly booked myself and the girls a hotel for a couple nights. He's going to come home tomorrow to an empty nest.

SO my question. I feel like i can't stand for this type of emotional un-regulation.. but for the kids' sake... should I? AIBU? Despite tonight and the bad moods with DD1 overall he's a very thoughtful and loving father to them. Am I overreacting?

I don’t disagree with you as I think OP being on maternity leave means she should be doing night feeds, but to be fair, the words we use do matter.

Even when both parents work full-time in equal jobs, women are never described as “helping with the housework” or “babysitting/watching the kids”. Those descriptions are solely reserved for men.

There’s still such rampant misogyny in society, it’s just helpful to try and use the right words, even if ultimately the meaning is the same.

I think what’s interesting is that it’s really easy to use those phrases without realising as it’s so ingrained into us that men “help” without having actual responsibilities too.

Sounds like he's exhausted. No idea if this is your situation but a woman I know basically put her husband completely in charge of DD and all the housework, while she sat on the couch breastfeeding DS, we spent a lot of time with this family at one point and she'd bark orders to her husband nonstop like he was her personal servant. He ended up leaving her and I don't blame him, having witnessed thenway she treated him. So, I can't support you here, it sounds like your husband is worn out.

In this context what does ‘un-regulation’ mean? It’s a new one on me.

You’re both being unreasonable.

Tell him where you are going and when you’ll be back.

I have no idea where you live but assuming the OP is in the UK she is absolutely not breaking any laws by taking her children, for whom she has joint parental responsibility, away for a few nights to a hotel, even if it's without warning to the other parent.

If you're going because you felt unsafe, go and don't come back.

If you're going to punish him, or make him 'see what he'd be missing', don't. I think it would be very hard for a struggling marriage to come back from that kind of cruelty.

I get your point of view. He's acted in a way that's totally unacceptable so you want to show him know that you won't tolerate it and that there will be consequences.

However, I think leaving as a warning is a poor idea because it's also escalating the situation, which he may then respond to on the same level, by leaving himself or whatever. In other words, it could backfire. It also might not change anything because it may not help him with controlling himself at the time.

But I would NOT just let it slide, either. I'd insist on marriage counseling and get professional help with him resolving his anger issues.

You both seem stressed. But taking the kids away without warning seems a significant escalation. The urge to get away when you are in the trenches of looking after a baby is very common. I remember it well. It does seem like you both need a reset. Maybe a couple of nights away would help, if you both agree on it.

In practical terms how easy is it going to be for you to look after both of them on your own in a hotel room?

And you might need to be careful about how you lean on your sister if you walk away for a couple of days - she may be a great support to you but she's already driven a wedge into your marriage. Having a third person in your relationship won't help if you are trying to reconnect.

Your manipulative response in disappearing with the children is every bit as bad (if not worse in some ways) as his loss of temper.

Be a grown up and have a proper conversation, for goodness sake.

This. You're saying he had a tantrum with that behaviour?!

Absolutely pathetic and controlling of you.
Are you usually petty and manipulative?
Hopefully he'll call the police if he returns home to the 'empty nest'.
I would and at 9am I'd be calling a lawyer.

What a disruption for a six year old to be dragged to a hotel during school term for two nights!

Your sister had just had a baby and is suddenly the don’t of all knowledge in respect of “fair”? Berating your DH on a WhatsApp chat? How about you say “this works for us, we’re fine”.

No he shouldn’t have sworn etc, but he’s tired, under pressure etc.

I wonder how you will feel when he quietly books himself and the children into a hotel and you come home to an empty house?

He doesn't sound very nice to your dd1.

Did you defend him to your sister?

If I was the only one going to work, and the primary career of 1 child, and doing lionshare of chores (if he is..)

And my partner let someone comment about me not doing my share, without defending me, I'd be very angry.

"Haha, its ok - He does all the __" as a reply to your sister, would have probably avoided all this drama.

Taking kids away to a hotel with no warning, would be an escalation that I couldn't stand for either. Outside of abuse, no parent has the right to suddenly remove children from the other parent without discussing it. That would be a far bigger red-flag and line-crossing moment than the argument itself for me.

I think you are projecting your ex onto this one.

Nothing in the OP's post said lazy. She said that he is doing the majority of care for 1 child:

"DH has been really stepping up with DD1, kind of taking a kid each"

"he looks after DD1 goes to work does chores" (husbands claim)

"overall he's a very thoughtful and loving father to them."

From that you took away "Lazy POS"?

Dh throws a tantrum… so I’m having one too by flouncing off to a hotel with the kids with no warning…that’ll show him!!!!

if your DH disappeared with the kids please think how you would react

alternatively have a conversation about how you are both feeling … your marriage is about you and dh and shouldn’t be based on on your sisters perception of fair especially if she has one child compared to your 2

So your husband in your own words is “really stepping up” but also “having a tricky period at work” is “more stressed” and “emotional lately” to the point you worry about your DD noticing.

He is working then exclusively parenting one child and is obviously struggling and showing frustration and a lack of patience (which has been out of character for him in recent years) and he’s going against your ‘house rules’ by being unable to be a robot.

He is clearly struggling and then is criticised on a WhatsApp group by your sister for not staying awake all night - on top of everything else. Instead of defending him you agree with her and make it seem like you think the situation is “unfair” but under the guise it’s all a big joke.

Your husband gets upset and clearly shows his emotions and how much this comment hurt him and you “didn’t say a word” in response.
Instead of seeing that he’d broken down and was feeling unsupported and talking things through and seeing how you can fix things you booked a hotel room for you and your kids without telling him?!

If you put in your OP that you were the one who was stressed and worried and overheard your husband agreeing with his sister that you didn’t pull your weight and you lost your temper and “stomped about and kicked some toys” then I imagine people would be posting saying how you needed more support and a healthier way to communicate. If your husband then fucked off with the kids to a hotel you’d be told to LTB.

You sound like you are trying to punish your husband for having feelings and not doing things your way. If you take your kids and leave when he’s obviously feeling vulnerable then I think that’s pretty cold hearted, if you were genuinely worried scared of him then I think you’d have mentioned it in the OP.

I can’t help but think this is a really unhealthy approach and awful way to treat a man who seems to be trying his best and is under pressure. If you don’t care about your husband or marriage then crack on but the one throwing the tantrum is YOU.

Maybe I’ve misread the situation completely - who can tell from your OP that’s obviously biased?
Maybe your husband is a bad tempered arsehole who deserves punishment? But if for any reason you decide you’ve overreacted then please knock this plan on the head, you are putting your kids in the middle of the argument as well. Do you want your kids to think daddy deserves to be left at home on his own?

My dad was sometimes stressed and bad tempered and my mum often “joked” about “grumpy daddy” and said things like “let’s go and leave grumpy daddy at home and go out”. I found out as an adult he was deeply depressed and hated his job, my mum didn’t work and expected him to work 60 hours a week but then also to match her 50/50 with kids when he finished work, he was exhausted and resented it. Whatever parenting he did was wrong, I’m in my thirties but still remember my mums criticism and my dad’s defeated expression.
My mum basically had us take the piss out of his misery, we didn’t realise as we were kids. I HATED finding that out as I got older.

You are a family so start acting like it, if you can’t and it means separating from your husband then do that - but still treat each other with respect.
Please don’t let others comment on your marriage and judge it because no one is ever impartial unless you go for counselling and based on your OP I actually think that would be an excellent idea.

I feel like this is a situation that could be resolved by talking to each other and both being loving and supportive and finding ways to make each others lives easier. Your husband seems like a good man from your OP who seems to be trying to put the effort in but it appears he’s struggling with things and isn’t communicating them the right way, if you walk away now then you will likely damage your marriage forever. If you are also finding things difficult then talk him - without resorting to passive aggression.

Both of you need to stop the ‘Tantrums’ and start talking and listening, you are both BU and have both overreacted.

He’s not ‘helping’ with the kids. They’re his kids.

You should tell him you’re going, not just go. His behaviour was out of order, but so will yours if you just go. Doesn’t your child have school? You need to take a breath and reconsider.

We've already been over this 😂 I meant "also parenting the children"

Bloody hell, I normally agree with the mum's in these kinds of posts that their partner is useless. But he doesn't sound useless, he sounds like he's doing a lot really and has a lot going on with work. And it sounds as though you're being fairly critical and he's still getting stick for not doing nights!

Taking the kids so he comes home to an empty house is AWFUL. It's really manipulative and a terrible way to deal with this kind of conflict.

I can't believe that you would disappear off with the children without telling him, to punish and scare him. That's a terrible, cruel thing to do. I'm not sure a marriage really comes back from that level of contempt and cruelty (from you).

Stop treating him like the enemy.

If you think your marriage would benefit from taking the kids off for a night, fine - but discuss and agree it with him first. And have the aim of making your marriage work better as a team, not asserting your control.

Surprised at the responses to this thread, minimising a grown man losing his temper and walking around kicking things.

When men lose their tempers and start to kick things, punch walls, throw things etc, it's meant to scare you. They're displaying what they could do you to - what they want to do be doing to you. It's like domestic violence 101 to take those things seriously.

OP, you're doing the right thing. And I don't think you need to tell him what you're doing if you feel that's best. He's being a scary fucker on purpose. If he had a right to be upset he can be upset, there was no need for him to act out like that about it.

His behaviour is out of order but so is your reaction. You both need to communicate and understand how the other is feeling and how you can work together as a team.
He’s clearly struggling and needs support. As tough as being a mum is. You needs to realise how tough it is for dads as well.
It’s not a competition about who has it harder. It’s about everyone pitching in to meet everyone’s needs. Which is exhausting. Cut him some slack here.
I completely agree with you feelings about his behaviour. Saying that, if my other half took my children away without warning. That would be the start of the end. You’re being cruel to make yourself feel better.

You're having a different sort of tantrum

You both need to work on this.

It depends whether you’re feeling scared by these outbursts.
and whether you live on eggshells so not to upset him and then start him off. Whether you worry if you upset him he will shout at your daughter @SaraG3018 ? If so you need to leave. If not and he’s struggling why not let him go to a hotel for a break for a couple of nights then you can talk calmly?

I wouldn’t live like that though. I don’t care how stressful your job is- as an adult you take steps to improve it and ask for help. You don’t shout at children and kick toys. He’s an adult. Responsible for regulating his own emotions.

of course it’s relentless- you’ve got 2 kids!! That’s the gig! But I think if you’re not scared of him you need to have a firm word about his behaviour and tell him you won’t support the mental outbursts coz it’s affecting the household but you want to help him.

also you don’t need to do every night waking with every child just coz you’re on maternity leave. It’s that attitude that diminishes childcare as a job. You need to be able to function and shouldnt have to work a 24/7 shift just because the man earns the money. There needs to be a balance. It’s utterly depressing this nonsense is said now. Especially if you’ve birthed a non sleeper!! Nap when they nap is total rubbish!