DH threw a tantrum and so I'm taking a pause

[SaraG3018]

Hi all... first time posting on here but no idea what to do.

DD #1 is almost 6 and DD #2 is 6 months. DH has been really stepping up with DD1, kind of taking a kid each, since I had my second DD. At the same time he's had a tricky period and work and I can see he's more stressed.

However, it's been taking its toll on his patience. I often found him growling or yelling at DD1... it felt like though he'd never fully yell at her it was always raised voices and irrelevant threats and punishments. Just the opposite of all gentle parenting guidelines. I've tried to sort this with creating written house rules we both agreed on to help DD1's behaviour, thereby removing the need for arguments or silly uses of no screen time etc. It's kind of working, e.g. you won't pick up your toys ok we'll take this one away. Point to this is just flagging he's been emotional lately and I've been a bit concerned about the effect on DD1.

ANYWAY last night my sister, who just had a baby, asked us both on our WhatsApp group who took which nights with DD2. I laughed and told her I always do all nights, to which she jokingly said wow that's not fair. DH responded with a full tantrum. Excerpts from the tantrum include him saying 'what is maternity leave for, doing f all, am I to give birth then sit around doing f all while he looks after DD1 goes to work does chores and now is expected to also look after DD2 at night, did our mother not teach us anything, why don't I just f'ing marry my sister's husband if he's so perfect'... he stomped about literally kicking toys across the room. Speaking in this way isn't normal for him but in the early days of marriage ten years ago I did have to calm these sorts of outbursts during arguments. I thought he had mellowed out.

I didn't say a word on response to ask this but have quietly booked myself and the girls a hotel for a couple nights. He's going to come home tomorrow to an empty nest.

SO my question. I feel like i can't stand for this type of emotional un-regulation.. but for the kids' sake... should I? AIBU? Despite tonight and the bad moods with DD1 overall he's a very thoughtful and loving father to them. Am I overreacting?

I very rarely find myself siding with the man in posts on here, so your comment that I’m desperate to blame the woman here is laughable!

Indeed I do think he needs to sort his temper out.

But in the very specific example given here, I don’t think the sister or the OP acted well. If the sister has genuine concerns about OP taking on most of the load there are other ways to raise this. OP’s partner has clearly been taking on most of the childcare of the older child (as he should) so it didn’t seem fair to me in this case. And I also don’t think taking herself and the children off for 2 nights without talking to him about it is massively healthy for her or the kids either.

How is booking yourself and your daughters into a hotel supposed to help the situation OP ?

The way we worked it, was that I did all the nights when my DH was working. He did the nights where he wasn’t working so I could rest. That was when I was on Mat leave. Then when I went back to work, it was 50/50 and we alternated.

Hi all

Wow that's a lot of divided opinion thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

Some clarifications and some agreement. Clarifications- DH did everything with DD1 when DD2 was a newborn. Since about 3 months ago I think more like 50 50 and lately more like 70 30 with me taking the bulk with most kids. He does some chores like car things, garden things, but the more pressing laundry and house cleaning.. nope. I've had to hire a cleaner once a fortnight to just help me stay on top of it. Most evenings after school pick up I'm cooking cleaning doing both bed times and bath times and not sitting down from 4 to 9pm then straight to bed so I can deal with the 2 hourly wakings DD2 is still doing.

Last clarification, the house rules issue is probably bigger than I've made out. His yelling makes DD1 cry on an almost daily basis. It's been playing on my mind a lot and coming between us. He thinks I coddle her but I just don't yell, I use consequences but always with love. I hate seeing real big tears on her face all the time from being told off and I'm worried what it will do to her. They are so love hate. At the same time as all this they sit there cuddling and play fighting on the sofa daily. He spends ages planning which toys and outings to spoil her with etc.

Ok agreements- i was very emotional yday, and angry. Many of you are right it's childish to just disappear, so I'll talk to him today. But I do think space will be helpful so I'll still stay away a couple of days, but put in nicer terms to him. A bit of breathing space.

Sister did overstep but only because she's seen how this has taken its toll on me in recent months and is worried. My whole family has seen me look more and more haggard with time and now on top of returning back to work soon it turns out I've had an umbilical hernia that needs surgery soon. Minimal empathy from DH about that news too btw. However I should have had his back a little more on that 'joke' and i will tell him as much.

Last agree - he is stressed out and stretched too and I should and will acknowledge that. I maintain that I'm at a next level but I agree with the night waking point many of you made. It's why I agreed to do all night waking while on mat leave. It's just been noticeable that even on holidays and weekends he spends time lying in and also napping during the day while I get none of that. However, I'll try to be sympathetic to the fact that he got emotional for a reason yday and I do appreciate what he does.

Final point, i do think his emotional outbursts are kind of shocking I don't know why I let them continue so I think I have to insist we sort those out.

Thanks again for all the input it has balanced me a bit!

Just the opposite of all gentle parenting guidelines

I would be interested to know if "gentle parenting" is something you both committed to or if it's just your decision.

The thing with someone losing their temper is that while it's not ideal and not defensible per se, it's just something that comes with being human. It's not necessarily abusive; sometimes people just snap (and he certainly had reason to with your sister's jab). Only you know whether this incident goes beyond that, in terms of it being a pattern of his behaviour or in terms of the anger being so much that you feared for your safety. I don't get the impression either of those is the case though.

If you’re asking what could a man do overnight since he can’t breastfeed, then you obviously don’t have one of those babies, where mums really need their partners support for changing baby, walking an awake baby around, anything that gives you a tiny bit more sleep. My babies didn’t sleep a lot, I needed dh. He didn’t help with our first and I considered divorce. I had a smart watch when our 3rd was born and some nights I’d have done 5km between midnight and 3am. I breastfed every hour or so overnight for 8 months each baby too, but dh taking a stint meant I got any sleep.

As long as you do message to say your safe and will be back the next day, I think giving him a night on his own will probably be good for both your tempers!

Irrespective of the rights and wrongs, I can't see how coming home to a quiet, child-free house qualifies as any kind of punishment.

And of course it's not fair for one person to get 7 nights of uninterrupted sleep, while the other person gets none.

@SaraG3018 that sounds like a really balanced response and a good way forward

Why was your sister discussing night feed responsibilities on your group WhatsApp? Plus it wasn’t a joke, she meant it.

I handled the nights for both of mine, DP worked long hours and into the evening (we own a pub and lived above at the time). It was a fair division as I could go to bed early. I don’t agree that night wakings should be split when someone is on maternity leave, they should do it. Does depend on the baby though, mine were breast fed and back to sleep easily
enough.

I think your sister knew the set up and was ambushing him publicly. I think leaving for a few days is shitty.

Honestly I think you are the problem here not him. Sounds like he is doing a lot to me!

Dh and I have different parenting styles, he is very softly softly where as I’m a boundary setter and do occasionally shout, neither is right or wrong but we do compromise at times due to how different our parenting styles are.

IMHO it’s an overreaction and very unkind to take the kids away without telling him. They’re his children too. Imagine if he did that to you: you got home to an empty house and didn’t know where your kids were.

He shouldn’t be growling at, and threatening, a 6 yo. He needs to learn to parent without being threatening. If she’s at school, he could look to a teacher for how to deal with her. Firm, clear and kind. Making it clear actions have consequences and why. But no growling. Kids don’t know why their behaviour is socially unacceptable, so you have to explain (e.g. “don’t make a lot of noise because it’ll wake your baby sister and annoy the neighbours, who want to be peaceful”).

He should also realise that pregnancy, birth and bf (if you have been/are), take a great physical, mental and emotional toll on a woman. If there’s any time she should expect full support from her DP it’s in the months following the birth of his child. Maternity leave isn’t only to look after a baby. It’s to give the mother time to recover.

And he certainly should be presenting a united front externally, even if you have issues in private. He’s disrespected you in front of your sister. For that, he needs to apologise.

But, having said that, having two young kids and a demanding job is stressful for any parent. He should certainly be co-parenting and supporting you. But none of us are perfect parents all the time. Most parents have a short fuse on occasion.

I suggest the way forward is a good talk while your 6 year old is at school, and ideally while someone looks after the baby. Could he take a half day leave in the week? Nothing heavy, but light. Plan a special time together, e.g. a lovely al fresco/picnic lunch in a country park. And have a good talk about how you must pull together to support each other as a team.

This includes agreeing to openly communicate about how you’re both feeling, without judgement or blame (especially on WhatsApp groups). No comparing each other to other people. Him letting you know when he’s starting to lose his temper with the kids and using strategies to keep calm, e.g. taking 2 minutes deep breathing in the fresh air, empathising with DD and thinking how he’ll come across to her. What behaviour does he want to model to her? Does he want her to growl when people annoy her? Would he growl at a work colleague? If not, why would he do it to his child?

Be kind to each other. Look after each other. Focus on pulling together as a couple and a family. But set him clear boundaries of what’s acceptable.

His yelling makes DD1 cry on an almost daily basis.

This isn't normal, healthy or acceptable.

Your OP and this one do not tell the same story, your OP says he’s been stepping up since DD2 was born, this says different.

it’s very hard to give advice when the situation has changed so much in less than 24 hours.

The man sounds like he’s reached boiling point with stress and has far too much on his plate.
If mum is on mat leave she should be doing childcare if her partner is working and they should share the domestics in my opinion.

You have a DSIS problem. Stop exchanging such messages. She should mind her own business.

Sounds like he’s at the end of his tether and you sound like hard work with your rules and regulations and gentle parenting crap . You won’t solve anything by removing yourselves from the home and it’ll lead to your older daughter blaming herself for you all leaving . Bad judgement all around

I think YABU.
Apart from everything else, this is going to be disruptive to the children. It’s not in their best interests at all.

• Presumably you all share one hotel room, so baby will wake up 6 year old in the night
• Hotel floors aren’t the cleanest, so you won’t be able to let baby roll around freely
• You’ll be away from all your things that make life easier - toys, crafts, garden/outdoor space, kitchen with fridge and healthy snacks, meals, even silly things like washing basket and washing machine, you’ll all be on top of each other and not even on holiday!

I think you’re mainly being unfair to your husband, but why do this to yourself and the children?

Oh ENOUGH. He shouts at their child DAILY and makes her cry. He does 30% of childcare of older DD only, he does no household chores. He naps on the weekends whilst OP has been up in the night. He behaves like a big man child and kicks the kids toys because his sister in law points out he could wake in the night sometimes. If these are your standards then they are in the gutter.

Agree with this ^
I rarely side with the husband (men piss me off generally) but I'm 80% Team Husband on this thread

Based on your total rewrite 😅 update I'd be

A. Knocking the toys on the head -he can keep outings
B. I'd be giving him the baby more often so you can spend time with the oldest and present him "boiling over"

Try and push him to step up in a calm clear way and both of you need to hang on to the fact at 1 yr it gets easier.
Continue to outsource as much as possible - let some stuff slide - we literally didnt garden for a year - the lawn got 2 maybe 3 mows and that was it.

Weekends - He should be giving you a break and I would challenge him hard on that

You are parents & this needs to stop.

All of you need to grow up & communicate properly to address the problems, instead of communicating through the medium of passive aggressive what's apps, tantrums & flouncing.

Leave if you're unhappy or feel unsafe but playing games of hide & seek with his kids to teach him a lesson is something else entirely.

Your sister is a goady fucker & you played along. Not one of you come across well in this scenario.

Edit: OP updated after id written this but before I posted. Good for her taking similar comments on board.

In fairness that was in OPs second post, which is so different to the first post, that people wouldn’t recognise it as the same poster.

Going by the first post, which in the first paragraph states he does all the DD1 care, the 30% in the second doesn’t make sense.