DH threw a tantrum and so I'm taking a pause

[SaraG3018]

Hi all... first time posting on here but no idea what to do.

DD #1 is almost 6 and DD #2 is 6 months. DH has been really stepping up with DD1, kind of taking a kid each, since I had my second DD. At the same time he's had a tricky period and work and I can see he's more stressed.

However, it's been taking its toll on his patience. I often found him growling or yelling at DD1... it felt like though he'd never fully yell at her it was always raised voices and irrelevant threats and punishments. Just the opposite of all gentle parenting guidelines. I've tried to sort this with creating written house rules we both agreed on to help DD1's behaviour, thereby removing the need for arguments or silly uses of no screen time etc. It's kind of working, e.g. you won't pick up your toys ok we'll take this one away. Point to this is just flagging he's been emotional lately and I've been a bit concerned about the effect on DD1.

ANYWAY last night my sister, who just had a baby, asked us both on our WhatsApp group who took which nights with DD2. I laughed and told her I always do all nights, to which she jokingly said wow that's not fair. DH responded with a full tantrum. Excerpts from the tantrum include him saying 'what is maternity leave for, doing f all, am I to give birth then sit around doing f all while he looks after DD1 goes to work does chores and now is expected to also look after DD2 at night, did our mother not teach us anything, why don't I just f'ing marry my sister's husband if he's so perfect'... he stomped about literally kicking toys across the room. Speaking in this way isn't normal for him but in the early days of marriage ten years ago I did have to calm these sorts of outbursts during arguments. I thought he had mellowed out.

I didn't say a word on response to ask this but have quietly booked myself and the girls a hotel for a couple nights. He's going to come home tomorrow to an empty nest.

SO my question. I feel like i can't stand for this type of emotional un-regulation.. but for the kids' sake... should I? AIBU? Despite tonight and the bad moods with DD1 overall he's a very thoughtful and loving father to them. Am I overreacting?

“last night my sister, who just had a baby, asked us both on our WhatsApp group who took which nights with DD2. I laughed and told her I always do all nights, to which she jokingly said wow that's not fair.”

Sorry but this is out of order!! Why would she ask that in a WhatsApp group with your DH? Is she a stirrer?

You have both acted poorly and I agree with PPs that booking a hotel is not the answer.

Neither is your DP growling at your DD. It’s really high pressure at the moment for you both and you need a frank and honest chat when it’s not a stressful time, about how you are both feeling. If your DP has anger issues then he needs to see his GP.

People are weird on here.
The husband sounds like a dick.

You are having a silent tantrum to punish him for his tantrum. If you had said to him that you will be taking the girls away for a night or two because his outburst was unacceptable and you both need space to think, then that would be ok. Staying silent and disappearing is mean. At least leave a note or a text saying that you both need a bit of space after his outburst. Do you think punishing him for lashing out by dramatically going missing is honestly going to be the best solution for a happy family going forward? This tit for tat bullshit?
Him carrying on like that isn't ok but I can see how he would be hurt that it seemed to your sister that you are doing absolutely everything, and that isn't the case. Taking a child each is sharing the load.

You wouldn’t ring your spouse first?? You’d go straight to the police??

His behaviour was not great but doing a disappearing act to punish him is awful - do you expect it to make the situation any better? That is a dreadful thing to do. Practice what you preach - use your words rather than throw your own version of a tantrum. And, as an aside, I really do think the point of maternity leave is that you can do the nights without being expected to get to work the next day….

Suddenly disappearing with his kids and leaving him to come home to "an empty nest" is terrible behaviour. Manipulative and emotionally controlling

I'm not saying he reacted right but look at the amount of post we have on here about people getting upset at their overbearing inlaws having an opinion and belittling them on stuff that doesn't concern them?

Its hurtful to feel ganged up on, especially if your spouse doesn't interject...look at his point of view...he thought you had an agreement whereby he worked and did majority of care for dd1 and you did nights and cared for dd2 whilst on mat leave...he thought you were happy with the status quo and you basically threw him under the bus and let your sister slag him off in a group

He needs to sort out his moods and reactions, of course he does but that isn't going to be solved by playing games and disappearing with the kids to punish him.

You need a conversation about how you wont tolerate being spoken to like that and how to move forwards

If he’s otherwise a good dad I would speak to him rather than disappearing with the kids which is a bonkers thing to do unless you’re worried he will become physically violent or similar.

All of this is communication issues which are so important in a marriage. Talk to him- how is he feeling? How are you feeling? Is the split of responsibilities fair for you both? Do you feel under appreciated? I can’t imagine being married to someone and thinking taking the kids away on a secret night away is better than just speaking to them??

Honestly if you’ve booked the hotel you clearly need some space from him.

Helios actions are not ok, and running away and seeking quiet isn’t a bad idea!

Whos parents always said walk away??

Why would you stay for round 2?

He needs help!

@Persianpaws has written sage advice here.
If course none of us know how bad this tantrum was and whether this is a pattern or a one off. I've lost my temper maybe once or twice in my life and not behaved well. But only you know if this is a LTB situation. If it's not a LTB situation then you are basically showing him that your response to a difficult situation is to leave rather than engage. Maybe he will phone you and say sorry and beg you to come home and say he'll do night shifts. And maybe that will make you happy. But I'd bet my hat that long term this will leave things unresolved.

I can see both sides here. The worst period of our marriage was when we had a toddler and a baby. We were both tired, stressed and often on a short fuse. I can well see how your DH lost it after reading your sister’s dickish comment! If I were working full time and doing a large part of the childcare of the older child, I’d lose it if my BIL suggested I wasn’t pulling my weight. And to be fair to him he didn’t actually lose it on you, did he? I’m not saying the behaviour is acceptable, but show me someone on here who hasn’t snapped with maternal rage at some point? I don’t think this is dissimilar, really.

Please don’t take your kids away without telling him, OP. Imagine yourself in his shoes. It’s just totally unacceptable to disappear like that. What you need is more communication, not less. Communication is what will get you through this!

He lost his temper, which isn’t ideal, but something that happens to all of us at some point - what you’re planning to do is manipulative, controlling and very unpleasant.

How would you feel if you came home from a long day at work to find that your husband and taken your kids and disappeared with no warning? That’s such an awful thing to even consider doing to someone. It’s also a really horrible thing to do to your children - especially the eldest who still needs to go to school and will be really confused by the whole situation.

I feel pretty sorry for your DH here - he’s stressed, tired and overwhelmed - your sister then sticks her nose in and makes an unpleasant comment, you don’t stand up for him and instead plan to fuck off with his kids?

The whole situation is really messed up. You both need to sit down and talk like adults.

This.

If a man did this people would label it abusive, because it is.

Yes, he was wrong, but it sounds like your sister's comment pushed him over the edge.

You BOTH need to learn to communicate properly, because you BOTH are way off.

he's obviously knackered and stressed - and probably very hurt you threw him under the bus like that! If he is working full time too I wouldn’t expect him to cover nights. Taking yourself and the kids away without telling him is horrible, far worse than his reaction!
does no one TALK anymore!?!

His reaction wasn’t good but removing yourself and your children to a hotel is an over reaction, relationships work when people have conversations and work through any minor disagreements you have. I’d be furious if dh removed himself and the children from our home over a spat that didn’t really involve me.

I have a friend whose husband would go to a hotel if they ever argued and would stay until she apologised for HER behaviour and attitude. Listening to how things unfolded 9 times out of10 these arguments were his fault and he would manipulate her his way to make her “behave” .

This. If dsis and her husband share that’s all good for them. Yes your dh handled it poorly but if he has a hard job and is looking after dd1 and doing his fair share of chores I can see while you’re on may leave he feels nights all well is unfair

His tantrum and your silence are both poor methods of dealing with conflict. You need to talk to each other.

Separately, it sounds like you've been happy with your arrangement of him looking after DD1 and you having DD2, why couldn't you say that to your sister rather than implying he's not pulling his weight?

We’re all allowed to have a bit of a meltdown now and again. Taking his children away without a discussion isn’t nice and won’t resolve anything. How would you feel if he did that to you following you having a rant at him. It’s borderline abusive. ‘If you don’t do what I say I’m taking the dc away’. A bit of a dick move tbh.

maybe sit him down and say that you are going to take the dc away for a few nights to give him time to relax, distress and get some sleep etc. or better still get some relationship advice and talk to someone to help resolve the issues.

If I came home from work and found that DH had taken our DDs away with no mention of it to me (even if I’d been out of line in an argument the day before) I consider that controlling and manipulative to the point of abusive tbh. As well as cruel to the 6 year old who won’t understand what is happening.
If someone posted on here saying their DH had done it, they would rightfully be told to divorce him. And divorce is what I’d do as well.

This sort of thing is only acceptable if you fear for your or your DCs’ safety. And it doesn’t sound like that is the reason you’re doing it. It sounds like you’re doing it to teach him a lesson.

You are both tantrumming.
Both of you need to remember that you’re both on the same team.

Her sister is allowed an opinion? So you’d be happy with a BIL saying “that’s not fair” on a group chat, over the agreed parenting responsibilities in your family would you?

I'm sorry - are people missing the part where he's shouting & sweating and kicking the kids toys across the room? That's not okay & I wouldnt want to live with someone who was behaving this way over a text message. Fair enough he feels unappreciated but the adult thing to do is to tell your wife- 'hey that comment was out of line I do loads' not to start shouting about your mother taught u nothing, u do f all, go and be with your sisters husband. Crazy to me that anyone could think the OP is at fault here. Yes I would absolutely take the kids to a hotel for a few nights BUT you have to tell him. You can't just disappear with them it's not fair. Unless you feel in danger then it's a shitty thing to do. I agree you need space from eachother though things seem to have hit a boiling point.

Not if I knew they were being vindictive like the OP is!

You are going to leave and not inform him ?

How is this going to help you, the children and him long-term ?

Don't do this if you do want to work.through this situation/incident in your relationship.

I think you need a proper sit down chat to get to the bottom of everything with him and have an agreed plan (ie you are on the same page) kids elsewhere... bed / childminder / one of your mums etc.

He's struggling thats clear.
But you are the kids have needs too and it needs to be balanced.

Yr 1 of a baby is dire, I would not let it go unchecked but I'd be looking for a way to "be the adult" and help navigate through it not make some grand gesture to illustrate my fuckedoffness

If he isnt open to working on anything or wants to double down, THEN consider going away for the weekend but you REALLY need to be prepared to blow everything up.
Leaving is a BIG statement " and once things like this in a marriage start happening it can start irreparable damage / begin the end if the marriage.
Its a damaging and hurtful thing to do.
(What he did was fucking awful too but retaliation like this may not get you what you want - a present helpful husband it may just end the marriage and you are alone with 2 kids)

By removing yourself and the kids, without any sort of discussion, you seem to be throwing a bigger tantrum than he did.

Sit and talk to him.🤷‍♀️