DH threw a tantrum and so I'm taking a pause

[SaraG3018]

Hi all... first time posting on here but no idea what to do.

DD #1 is almost 6 and DD #2 is 6 months. DH has been really stepping up with DD1, kind of taking a kid each, since I had my second DD. At the same time he's had a tricky period and work and I can see he's more stressed.

However, it's been taking its toll on his patience. I often found him growling or yelling at DD1... it felt like though he'd never fully yell at her it was always raised voices and irrelevant threats and punishments. Just the opposite of all gentle parenting guidelines. I've tried to sort this with creating written house rules we both agreed on to help DD1's behaviour, thereby removing the need for arguments or silly uses of no screen time etc. It's kind of working, e.g. you won't pick up your toys ok we'll take this one away. Point to this is just flagging he's been emotional lately and I've been a bit concerned about the effect on DD1.

ANYWAY last night my sister, who just had a baby, asked us both on our WhatsApp group who took which nights with DD2. I laughed and told her I always do all nights, to which she jokingly said wow that's not fair. DH responded with a full tantrum. Excerpts from the tantrum include him saying 'what is maternity leave for, doing f all, am I to give birth then sit around doing f all while he looks after DD1 goes to work does chores and now is expected to also look after DD2 at night, did our mother not teach us anything, why don't I just f'ing marry my sister's husband if he's so perfect'... he stomped about literally kicking toys across the room. Speaking in this way isn't normal for him but in the early days of marriage ten years ago I did have to calm these sorts of outbursts during arguments. I thought he had mellowed out.

I didn't say a word on response to ask this but have quietly booked myself and the girls a hotel for a couple nights. He's going to come home tomorrow to an empty nest.

SO my question. I feel like i can't stand for this type of emotional un-regulation.. but for the kids' sake... should I? AIBU? Despite tonight and the bad moods with DD1 overall he's a very thoughtful and loving father to them. Am I overreacting?

You are being massively unfair. He's obviously stressed and you are not being a good partner by picking up the slack where needed and protecting him from your Dsis's assumptions. You acknowledge that she is wrong about it being unfair: why didn't you say that on WhatsApp?

If DP took the kids away like that after I lost my temper and did nothing at all dangerous, it would destroy any trust in our relationship. If I was you I would think carefully about what you want.

As a PP suggested, you have time to reframe it by telling him that you are giving him some time to relax by himself. But if he comes home to an empty house then I would be expecting a divorce if I were you.

Your green behind the ears sister who just had her first baby and knows fuck all about raising a child let alone 2 young children, asked about your husband and is getting all judgy about him after you slate him to her when he’s working his arse off for his family and to support you?

And now you’re going to leave silently in the night with the children to punish him for rightly being pissed off?

I don’t want to type the word that comes to mind as my post will get deleted.

I think doing what you are planning is worse in a marriage than what he did.

You're both under pressure and tired. Just give each other some slack and talk it through.

I agree with this. This is a very nasty and calculated thing to do.

He did behave unreasonably but so did you, not having his back when your sister was totally out of line. This is on you and her.

@SaraG3018 Why didn’t you react?

If he had a “tantrum” why are you not able to “use your words” and speak to him about it?

If my spouse did what you are planning I would likely ring the police. It’s an absolutely horrific thing to do. I would also file for divorce once I knew you were safe.

Well, I know one thing - your sister likes to stir the pot! And you made a big mistake in responding to her like that, presumably in a shared group. Or did you show your husband the comments from a private chat? 😂

We all like to have a moan to a female friend or relative, but don’t do it in front of your spouse! No, his reaction was not justified but your remarks were probably very hurtful and unfair to him. Didn’t your OP say that he had really stepped up since the birth of your second baby?

Your sister needs to keep her opinion to herself.

Leaving for a hotel under these circumstances is completely unwarranted and out of order. Cancel it. Have talk with your husband.

He's not abusive.

He's not like your ex either- he's pulling his weight but its apparently not enough for op and her shit stirring sister.

Christ, how can you not see that what you are doing is unacceptable?

You didn’t stick up for your husband, you was acting like a bit of a shit wife and now your taking the kids away for a few nights in a hotel to punish him and teach him a lesson….winning mother of the year awards too I see, anyone who uses their kids as a weapon is a shit person. You should try to be better.

Sorry but think you’re being unfair. He works and deals with your elder child at bedtimes. You should have said this to your sister. Now you’re going to disappear?! You say he had a tantrum but that’s you punishing him!

Personally I think you should be a bit more sympathetic to the fact he is stressed at the moment and if throwing tantrums as you call them is no longer typical behaviour for him, I would cut some slack.

I also think you shouldn’t have allowed your sister’s comments to go unchallenged. Your husband is actually doing a lot at the moment to help the family unit & you should have explained that to her.

However, you’re both tired & emotional. You need to talk and make up not move into a hotel.

I could forgive and work through a tantrum. I couldn’t forgive and work through comming home to find my children having been taken to a hotel. This is not taking a pause, it’s throwing a massive passive aggressive bomb into the situation.

I always did nights with our babies . My dh has a stressful job and needs sleep

I think you are being a bit dramatic tbh . He is probably exhausted and feels like he isn’t doing enough .

I agree to be honest. It seems an overreaction to your husband’s overreaction.

Its none of your sisters business what you do in your balance. If it works for you that’s all that matters. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. And it sounds like it thoroughly upset your husband and made him feel embarrassed/inadeqate/bad. I can see why- from his pov he is working hard as a parent and trying to do his bit and keep a somewhat happy marriage, and you and your sister are having a natter about the things he’s not doing and passing judgement. If he had this same conversation with his brother about you not doing a task well or enough how would you feel?

Stop discussing your marriage with your sister and I think you should apologise to your husband (as should she) and then I think you need a big talk with him and probably a good idea to find some counselling to do together.

You're angry he has had a tantrum but you removing yourself and your kids with no warning is even worse.

It's not great he lost his temper but if that is unusual for him I'd cut him some slack. He over reacted to you basically implying to your family he's a bit crap when he obviously feels like he's been doing a lot,

He shouldn't have lost his temper but you taking his kids away with no discussion or warning is also abusive in my mind. Fair enough if people are scared of someone and it's the only way they can escape an abusive partner but that doesn't sound like the case here. Sounds like you want to "teach him a lesson"

What you are planning is very bad for your six-year-old. Please don't drag her into this tension and worry.

It's not better to not react openly but take revenge silently. It's just another style of aggression, and using the children too. It's not gentle parenting to use them as a weapon and your six-year-old is old enough to be dreadfully disturbed by this.

If you feel you really have to go, leave him a note. If you were just doing this for your well-being, you'd communicate with him.

Your sister shouldn't have said that. Cut yourself and your husband some slack and try to get back to being a team.

What the actual fuck. The misogyny on this site these days is unreal. Why the FUCK should she stick up for him, her sister is allowed an opinion.

The DH needs to make up his mind is doing the childcare is doing "fuck all" or if it's work. If it's hard work it's hard work for OP too, not just him. "Goes to work and does chores and sometimes looks after his own kid and occasionally gets up in the night" (except he doesn't, yet) -- yeah, here's your fucking medal, chum.

I have done all the nights with both DC. There is no comparison between parenting or working on a night of sleep and doing it on the amount of sleep I've had for years now. He is a lucky fucker to be a parent of young children and get a full night of sleep every sodding night.

@Twiglets1 Op is allowed to recognise that her husband is doing a fair share in other areas and still agree with her sister that he should do the occasional night waking. You may not agree, but OP is allowed to think so, and she doesn't have to "challenge her sister."

OP this place gets more stupid and contrarian every day. If you'd done nothing all you'd get would be "doormat" comments, and comments saying you are a bad mother for allowing your husband to be volatile around your child and rage and kick things without challenging him. As it is you're getting "bad wife" comments because you are doing something. I would text your DH to tell him why you're taking some time out but I think you're right to do so.

You sound stressed
He sounds stressed
What he said isn't acceptable and I completely understand why you're annoyed.
Is there a bigger picture here and this a pattern of behaviour or was this a one off outburst?

OP is allowed to think whatever they want to think @Sapana

But they asked for our opinions by starting an AIBU & I gave mine.

This.

While he is clearly exhibiting behaviours that need to be challenged, those should be addressed at the time, or immediately after.
Waiting 24 hours before disappearing with your shared children with no warning is frankly verging into crazy controlling behaviour. It's also very unsettling for your children to drag them out of their home in the middle of DC1s school week, in order to teach Daddy a lesson. You need to sit down like adults and talk about it, not pull stunts.

"Written house rules". "Parenting guidelines". "I had to calm his outbursts ". Not talking in response to his behaviour but withdrawing to a hotel while he's out. I could not live like that.

Exactly.... @Sapana here's your 'fucking 🏅'
Don't you see how contradictory you are?...