Daughter doesn’t partner & vice versa

[Mumof3babygirls]

So as the title says my daughter and partner don’t get on. Daughters 25, I’ve been with partner 10 years, they have times when it’s ok but mostly they don’t get along. I’m pulled both ways by them both. DD is hard work, has been since being little. I have been fighting to get her tested to see if she’s on the spectrum. She’s a great girl who I love with my whole like but is hard to live with. Partner isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone
I work away 3 days a week so can’t always be at home and most weeks DD will text me moaning abt my partner
I’ve spoken to them both so many times
I feel my only choice is to end relationship with my partner but I love him and after my daughters dad left due to multiple affair it took me many years to love someone again
please help me as I just can’t think straight x

Why is she living with you still?

Is her moaning justified? What are her complaints?

parting me feels that if shes not happy, she can move out. If your partner is a good man, the. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your happiness for an adult child.

At 25 surely it won't be long before she is moving in to her own place. It would be a shame to end a loving relationship when the situation could soon improve

Depends what they’re both moaning about.

Surely she won’t be living at home forever so most of the arguing will end at some point which will make things easier.

I know people say that you should put your children first, but really that only applies until age 18 or whatever age after that they can really be expected to live independently. The reason being that children are vulnerable and have very little power and should not be expected to live with someone who makes them uncomfortable when they can't vote with their feet and leave.

None of this applies to a 25yo. If he's decent and you're happy, she's the one that needs to go.

So what are you instincts saying about who is in the wrong generally

You're mad if you dump him because your adult daughter doesn't like him. You could dump him and then she moves out and you're left on your own.

She's 25. She's not a child. If you love him and are happy with him she needs to either get on with him or move out

I know from experience that being made to live with some bloke, as a teenage girl, to facilitate your mothers dating life is excruciating. It’s never in a girls best interests to have to have some unrelated male in her home.
Yes, she’s an adult now but sounds like she’s still vulnerable and the boyfriend should have the basic decency and common sense to house himself and just date you separately to your child. Why hasn’t he done this?

He should never have been allowed to ‘not get on’ with your child.

(Meant to add, at least now you can choose whether dating this boyfriend serves you, and massively enhances your life. That’s the whole point.)

She did have her own place but got into financial difficulties so moved home to us

Sometimes I think it’s justified others I think not

I’ve always put her first but I also deserve happiness

This ^

Honestly it could be years until she moves out. I don’t see that happening anytime soon

I think you can't be expected to base your relationship choices on your children forever when they're adults.

I also think that your partner who isn't "patient or understanding of anyone" doesn't sound that nice.

I’ve always put her first. Probably to much of I’m honest.
im not just blaming her. He can be just as bad they just clash over everything
he had the tv on to long, she didn’t put her glass in the dishwasher. It’s endless

She isn’t being made to live with him. We all have choices.
he has been so good to her over the years and they haven’t always been this bad. I’m almost 50 surely I should be allowed some happiness

How old are your other daughters, OP? Is your partner their dad?

Honestly they are as bad as each other.
I’ve spoken to then so many times. Separately and together.
I’m my DD security she comes to me for everything which I’m grateful for that we have that relationship but it’s so sad when they don’t get along

If she was 15 I’d agree that the relationship needs to end.

But she’s 25. An adult who is more than old enough to be self sufficient.

Of you ended this relationship which you said is great and you love your DP - at what age of your dd would you start dating again? When she’s 30, 40, when she moves out, has a family of her own? What if she never likes any partner you have?

But other than the clashes with your daughter, is he really a good loving partner to you?
That's what you need to focus on

I hear what you’re saying. I really do. He is. He’s a sweetie.
maybe I need to change jobs so I’m home more
if my partner and I are no longer together I would have to sell my house as I couldn’t afford the mortgage alone and above that I love him
im told blended families are never easy but just not this hard
when I’ve spoken with my them my daughter begs me not to end my relationship

Partner isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone

This is the man you started dating when you had a 15 year old?

If the issues are minor then I suspect that the problem is living together and that the relationship might improve if they weren’t. It’s not a natural mix - girls in their early twenties don’t house share with 50 year old blokes - and you’re away some of the time so that’s effectively what’s happening.

If she moved back in due to financial difficulties, wondering whether you might be in a position to support her with moving back out. This could be done in a “you’ve really shown improvement” way rather than a move out my house way.

Alternatively you and your partner could think about having an adventure for a year. Move out the house and live by the seaside or on a boat or abroad or anywhere that you’d love to be. With a view that dd covers the bills whilst you’re gone and then moves out when you get home.

Does your DD work? Can you support her in her own house/house share? I think you have bigger problems if you just accept she is going to be living with you for the next x amount of years with no sign of moving out. 25 is old to live at home and have no plan to move out at all.

The bickering, just ignore it and let them solve it.

Well that’s the answer then.
don’t end the relationship
when draw back a little from their clashes.
let them deal with it.
seems like they are both doing it for attention.