Daughter doesn’t partner & vice versa

[Mumof3babygirls]

So as the title says my daughter and partner don’t get on. Daughters 25, I’ve been with partner 10 years, they have times when it’s ok but mostly they don’t get along. I’m pulled both ways by them both. DD is hard work, has been since being little. I have been fighting to get her tested to see if she’s on the spectrum. She’s a great girl who I love with my whole like but is hard to live with. Partner isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone
I work away 3 days a week so can’t always be at home and most weeks DD will text me moaning abt my partner
I’ve spoken to them both so many times
I feel my only choice is to end relationship with my partner but I love him and after my daughters dad left due to multiple affair it took me many years to love someone again
please help me as I just can’t think straight x

Nope he’s honestly a great guy and very loving. This is the only thing that bothers me

In fairness to @Mumof3babygirls, she said she met her current partner when her dd was 15, but definitely did NOT say she moved him in at once - in fact, she said they dated for a long time before he even met her dds, never mind moved in.

@Mumof3babygirls - I agree with the posters who have said you need a firm and direct talk with your 25 year old. And having set the rules, you need to stick to them and not let her walk all over you. I'd also suggest apologising to your partner, and saying you have realised that you've not taken his side when your dd has complained, but that was wrong, and you won't automatically default to defending your dd, when her actions are not defensible.

"Edith - you are 25 years old, and have lived independently, so you know full well that there are chores that need to be done if a house is to run smoothly - and this is even more the case when there are 5 people living under one roof. We all have a responsibility to clear up after ourselves, and to help with the communal chores. You can't just 'chill' on your days off - you need to do your share around the house. You need to pick up after yourself - put your own dishes in the dishwasher without being reminded, do your laundry, tidy up after yourself, AND you need to help with the communal chores - vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom etc. Everyone else is doing this and you are NOT exempt.

If you don't want to live by these rules, you need to find your own place - where you will find no-one else picking up after you, doing your laundry, washing your dishes etc, and either you will learn you have to do these things, or you will live in squalor. But while you live here, we are not willing to enable you any more."

I believe this is what is known as a 'Come-To-Jesus' talk, in the US.

They are both adults so need to sort this out between them. You are not their referee. However, it is also your partner's home. If your daughter can't live with him she should find her own place.
Family therapy might be an idea.

I totally agree with what you’ve said.
I need to sort this out

If it was me I would sit them both down at the table and tell them both that you are no longer going to listen or deal with the bickering.
tell your dd in front of your partner that you both love her very much however as a fully fledged adult having the generosity of you both to live back at home at 25 she is expected to act like an adult including chores and helping and being respectful to those that pay the mortgage.

she’s not a teenager op is she.
she’s a grown adult. Treat her like one.

and tell your partner that you don’t want to receive moaning messages from him either regarding dd.

if they have a problem with each other they can discuss it between them.

tell them their making you miserable.

if she doesn’t want to partake in adulthood within the house like cleaning tidying shopping and being respectful she needs to move out.

your not helping her by babying around the situation.

be firm with them both and then get up and tell them your off out on your own for a bit

let the air settle down,go for a drive or coffee and come back later on.

What is it about him that makes him a 'sweetie'? He sounds anything but.

Why does he live with you, was it your idea or his?

He just a good guy. Yes he’s not the most patient but he’s lovely. Puts me and the girls first, when. I’m at work he steps up

why wouldn’t he move in?? It was a joint decision which we also included the girls in

So sorry this is longer than I meant!

To your partner, I'd say I need him to let things go when she mutters under her breath. He's letting the shit carry on when he responds to every little thing. She's going to do it whether he bites or not, so I'd ask him, for your sake to let it not bother him. Maybe easier said than done but it doesn't need to be a conflict, it's maybe just how she lets off steam after a little bust up. I would ask him to try to not take it personally. The chain of events will always play out the same way if nothing ever changes. I'd apologise for favouring your daughter and explain why you did.it, but that you can see it wasn't the best thing to do. If he has complaints, he can speak to her directly or bring it to you eventually, not instantly.

I'd say to your daughter that things need to change, will be changing. She's more than capable of keeping up with her share of basic housework. If she doesn't do something immediately, then you expect her to do it once she's been reminded and that it will not be left for someone else to do nor will you wait around for her to eventually get round to doing it.
She needs to realise that it's YOUR home too, you can't relax in a home where you need to constantly play referee. You need to be firm. Many survive just fine with an absent parent. You will not tolerate he said/she said shit anymore. She needs to show some respect to your partner.

They do get on, it's just living together is hard work at the moment. Your partner is human, ofcourse he can still be a good person even with low tolerance of laziness. He's stood by you and is standing by you even when it appears you're against him when your daughter plays up. You need to provide a united team front. People need to compromise a little.

He needs to chill to little mumbles and not take it as an attack. She's just being petty. She needs to respect the home and everyone in it. You need to take a deep breath. We all do what we need to when we're forced in to survival mode but you're out of that now. You have a solid relationship and are obviously still there for your kids. You've got through the hard part. Everyone just needs to remember you're a family. You all love and are there for eachother. It's not a war zone. Make sure you show your partner how much you appreciate him. Make sure your daughter knows you're there for her but you won't be wiping her arse anymore and it's for her benefit that you'll be doing that. She's a woman now, she still has your support and time with you.so it's not like you're being harsh towards her. You're still yourself, aswell as 'mum'. You matter too.

I agree 👍 💯

You are enabling her and not preparing her to be independent. This is a massive disservice to her.
Establish some ground rules for her staying with you. Include time frames for when she will be moving out, household responsibilities and behaviour guidelines. Be clear on what is and is not acceptable. Include your DP as she needs to realise you are a team. She's currently playing you against each other. This is his home as much as yours. Her staying with you is a favour not a right.
Show her how to budget etc then she does it . Using a budget she can plan when she can afford to move out.
Her father being absent is his choice. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
She's 25 FFS!

Your daughter is a 25 year old brat who kicks off when mummy's not there. She'll know exactly what she's doing. She won't behave like this at work.

Saying things under her breath to wind people
up?
Getting away with being the only person in the house who doesn't have to help because she works and wants to rest?
Crying to mummy when she's actually told to do something?

Not a chance in my house. What an entitled baby!

@RareGoalsVerge where does OP say she moved him in 10 years ago?? She said they’d been together 10 years which is very different. What’s your agenda for stirring this?

She sounds unreasonable from this post. Yes it's ok to do nothing on your day off if you've caught up on your chores on your working days but you can't expect someone else to clean up after you. Is that what you mean? Or is it that she has done her part but it still irritates him that she's in the way? (In which case he is unreasonable).

Honestly I don't think its that different to any other family where adults live at home. Lots of people don't get on with one of their parents and no one expects the parents to divorce just so the adult kid can do what they want at home.

If you were to break up for her sake then what if she never moves out? Then you are destined to never have a partner or a life of your own. I'm all for making sacrifices for children but not adults. I understand she has difficulties and it's not simple but she needs to find her way in the world with your support.

They've lived together for 8 years, so she was 17 when he moved in. And she said the strife didn't start until after she moved out and then back in.

She doesn’t really do anything. She cooks her own dinner and will on occasion clean up but will also just pile it in the sink if the dishwasher is full as she says it’s not her plates to empty

I know I need to step up more. I’m not helping the situation

This isn't acceptable. Everyone who lives in the house helps keep it clean. Even little kids can empty a dishwasher.

You could do a deal with her, if you can afford it. Offer rent free for a period where she has the opportunity to save and sort herself out and get back renting again. Maybe a year. But in the interim she pulls her weight. You also have an example to set for younger children here too.

My mum met my now stepdad when I was 13. We did clash, mainly because I was a bit of a selfish arsehole, and I resented someone else taking my mum's time. I moved out when I was 17, but moved back for a year or so in my early 20s.

I'm in my 40s now, and have a family of my own. I love my stepdad more than my bio dad. If my mum had broken it off with him because of me, she'd be so lonely and unhappy, and I'd never forgive myself for that.

My mum has a son from another relationship, and my stepdad adopted him as his bio dad wasn't interested in him. My brother is autistic and has mental health problems. He's in his 30s, but has spent most of his adult life living with our parents. He got married once and lived with his wife. They divorced eventually sadly. He's now living with another girlfriend and her family, but he does struggle.

DM has coddled him over the years and he's become accustomed to having lots of things done for him. We know DB will be back home at some point though. And I know DSD struggles. Throw in the shit I've given them over my life as well, he's put up with a hell of a lot.

I would never be disrespectful to him, and if my DB is, my mum will always pull him up on it. DSD is a good man that doesn't deserve that.

Also... all families bicker at some point, whether it's a traditional family or a blended family. It's certainly nothing worth moving out or ending a relationship over.

@Mumof3babygirls “ not her plates to empty!?” And she gets away with that…. Wow.

I totally agree with this. My mum has totally babied one of my brothers (who has absolutely no reason to be babied). Paying his bills, doing his washing, cooking. Short of wiping his arse, you name it my mum did it for him as she wanted to help him and still wanting some sort of mothering role. All it's created is a man in his mid 30s who has no skills to live independently or has any responsibility, still lives at home and has watched his own friendship circle dwindle as everyone else has moved on with their lives and now my mum is panicking that me or my other sibling will need to "look after" my brother once she dies (not a hope in hell). Its created tension within our family and been a complete disservice to him.

Your daughter is 25 and needs to be treated like the adult she is. I can't offer much more than the other advice offered here but I hope you resolve it soon.

You are so right. As I’m reading through the replies I’m cringing coz I know most of you are right

As @Laoise542, myself, and others have pointed out. You are actually doing her a huge disservice and setting her up to fail in life.
Things need to change.
Good luck

So she gets to chill while you cook and clean for her?...set a roater , she is an adult she should have a day where she cooks the dinner, she can do her own washing and she can help with washing up and hoovering. If you do everything for her why would she ever leave or grow up?

So you and her step dad are helping her with her debt! And she repays you by whinging about sd and expecting him/ you to clean up after her? Ffs! Sit her down explain she needs to

1. Be respectful to the people who are helping her.
2. Pull her weight, have a roster, she is not a child and you and sd are not her skivvy's.

3.if she and sd have a problem you don't need to hear about it, unless it affects you. 4.She needs to have a plan, time frame on when she is moving out.

It's good that you are recognising that things need to change regarding your daughter. While it does sound like her behaviour might be the primary cause of the arguments, I'd be a bit wary of placing all the blame on her. Your partner has probably got into some negative behaviours around bickering with her and both will need to change the way they interact.