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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter doesn’t partner & vice versa

235 replies

Mumof3babygirls · 12/05/2025 22:49

So as the title says my daughter and partner don’t get on. Daughters 25, I’ve been with partner 10 years, they have times when it’s ok but mostly they don’t get along. I’m pulled both ways by them both. DD is hard work, has been since being little. I have been fighting to get her tested to see if she’s on the spectrum. She’s a great girl who I love with my whole like but is hard to live with. Partner isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone
I work away 3 days a week so can’t always be at home and most weeks DD will text me moaning abt my partner
I’ve spoken to them both so many times
I feel my only choice is to end relationship with my partner but I love him and after my daughters dad left due to multiple affair it took me many years to love someone again
please help me as I just can’t think straight x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:56

Teaacup · 13/05/2025 07:48

Your daughter works, but does she work full time? Does your partner work full time? It sounds like they don’t if they’re seeing enough of each other during the week to bicker so much. Is he winding her up?

Yes they both work full time

they wind each other up tbh.

she’s mutters stuff so you know she’s saying something but can’t work out what he’ll ask her what she said and so it goes on

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:57

ThejoyofNC · 13/05/2025 07:51

I think the man is a saint for putting up with her shit to be honest.

Sometimes I would definitely agree

OP posts:
MiniPantherOwner · 13/05/2025 07:58

Since they seem to be bickering over minor things you need to make it clear that you're not interested in hearing about it. If you daughter texts you to complain about some minor thing your partner is doing you need to tell her that she's an adult and they need to sort it out amongst themselves.

You also need to give your daughter a major kick up the arse about helping around the house and stop doing things for her. I realise that you suspect she's ND, but she's an adult and shouldn't expect other people to clear up after her. If most of your partners complaints are around this then he seems to have a point. He shouldn't have to be tidying up after her. If you think there are other issues he could be more patient around then, of course, raise that with him.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:58

Radra · 13/05/2025 07:48

That wouldn't be an issue with being a lodger though

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The same issues apply. Have a look on spare room websites. No one wants someone sharing the facilities in their home unless they’ve been vetted. The agencies handling the vacancies require the same background checks as for other accommodation - credit references, an guarantor, and in many cases a character reference. My friend was recently looking for lodgings and was having difficulty because landlords didn’t like the fact that she was claiming UC - even though she works full time and UC would have covered her rent !! It can be a nightmare.

Radra · 13/05/2025 07:59

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:42

I do baby her I don’t know why.

when my girls dad left I had so much guilt I put my whole being into raising them
I still work out her finances every month. She does pay rent

i couldn’t ask her to move out it’s her home. I just wish she would be a little more thoughtful

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I would echo a PP that you sound very passive

She clearly isn't the sort of person who will wake up one day and decide to be a thoughtful considerate member of the household

You therefore need to either tell her straight what the rules of living with you are or tell her to make a plan to move out.

Sitting around "chilling" while you clean up after her and financially bail her out is hideous behaviour

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 08:00

beAsensible1 · 13/05/2025 07:49

Did you and DP buy the house together?

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He took over from my ex husband so we both pay the mortgage so we are both on the mortgage/deeds

OP posts:
dontcryformeargentina · 13/05/2025 08:01

SpunkySquid · 13/05/2025 06:57

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t get along with my children. Simple as that.

100%. If your partner really cared about your feelings, he would have compromised

Radra · 13/05/2025 08:02

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:58

The same issues apply. Have a look on spare room websites. No one wants someone sharing the facilities in their home unless they’ve been vetted. The agencies handling the vacancies require the same background checks as for other accommodation - credit references, an guarantor, and in many cases a character reference. My friend was recently looking for lodgings and was having difficulty because landlords didn’t like the fact that she was claiming UC - even though she works full time and UC would have covered her rent !! It can be a nightmare.

Edited
Show quote history

That might be true if people using agencies and spare room but there are still plenty of people who don't use agencies to find a lodger.

Our local Facebook/WhatsApp groups are full of people seeking lodgers in a much less formal way

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 08:02

maddening · 13/05/2025 07:05

Do they both wfh?

No neither do

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 08:04

Radra · 13/05/2025 07:59

I would echo a PP that you sound very passive

She clearly isn't the sort of person who will wake up one day and decide to be a thoughtful considerate member of the household

You therefore need to either tell her straight what the rules of living with you are or tell her to make a plan to move out.

Sitting around "chilling" while you clean up after her and financially bail her out is hideous behaviour

Show quote history

Spot on. I think rather than the partner being the problem, this is one of OP’s own making. I don’t blame her partner for picking up on DD’s laziness - he’s putting up with her behaviour and helping to bail her out financially while OP lets her do as she likes. It would be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 08:07

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 08:04

Spot on. I think rather than the partner being the problem, this is one of OP’s own making. I don’t blame her partner for picking up on DD’s laziness - he’s putting up with her behaviour and helping to bail her out financially while OP lets her do as she likes. It would be a deal breaker for me.

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I know you’re right. I know this is my own making

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 08:08

dontcryformeargentina · 13/05/2025 08:01

100%. If your partner really cared about your feelings, he would have compromised

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He has in the past. I tend to side with my DD even if I know she’s in the wrong. Think he’s got to the point of giving up.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 08:09

Radra · 13/05/2025 08:02

That might be true if people using agencies and spare room but there are still plenty of people who don't use agencies to find a lodger.

Our local Facebook/WhatsApp groups are full of people seeking lodgers in a much less formal way

Show quote history

Yeah, friend did try this route too but lots of issues around the lack of a formal rent agreement, which UC require for rent contributions.

TooGoodToGoto · 13/05/2025 08:11

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:44

I couldn’t afford that and I would give them all the same. I’ve always been very fair

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Which of course is right!

Espressosummer · 13/05/2025 08:13

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 08:08

He has in the past. I tend to side with my DD even if I know she’s in the wrong. Think he’s got to the point of giving up.

Show quote history

Can you blame him? You say he has no patience but actually he has the patience of a Saint in dealing with your daughter. She treats him and others in the house like servants and then you back her up. How do your other daughters feel about you letting the eldest do nothing around the house, not even expecting that she tidies up after herself?

FlowerSkirt · 13/05/2025 08:13

Partner isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone

And he is a sweetie.

Which one is he?

I think you need to stop pandering to your adult daughter. And you need to put a ban on them texting you about anything bitchy about the other one. It all sounds very childish.

Your username says you are a ‘Mumof3babygirls’ Have you been on here for 25 years or is that a recent name? I wonder if it reflects how much you infantilise your girls because of the guilty feelings about their father leaving? I think you really need to work on those feelings. That man is out of the picture so you need to really put that behind you if you can.

Frankly, I would want to run away from both of them… They sound very needy and petty.

NattyTurtle59 · 13/05/2025 08:13

Well, she has two choices as far as I can see. She either tries to get along with him, or she moves out. She's 25, she can make her own way in life.

soupyspoon · 13/05/2025 08:13

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:47

She won’t get a house share or lodgings if she has unpaid debt. The credit and other checks on potential tenants are very strict these days. Even if she managed to secure one, she would need a month’s rent upfront, a deposit and a guarantor.

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She wouldnt need all this for a basic house share, stop scaremongering, you often dont even need a deposit longer than a week, look at spareroom.com if you dont believe me

MyDeftDuck · 13/05/2025 08:13

untilido · 12/05/2025 22:50

Why is she living with you still?

This.
Is she your only child? And how long will she potentially be living at home? If you dump the partner and she moves out where will that leave you?

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 08:14

Espressosummer · 13/05/2025 08:13

Can you blame him? You say he has no patience but actually he has the patience of a Saint in dealing with your daughter. She treats him and others in the house like servants and then you back her up. How do your other daughters feel about you letting the eldest do nothing around the house, not even expecting that she tidies up after herself?

Show quote history

No I dont blame him
the others don’t really comment but they do tell me I let her get away with to much

I guess I try and keep the peace all round

OP posts:
NattyTurtle59 · 13/05/2025 08:15

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 08:08

He has in the past. I tend to side with my DD even if I know she’s in the wrong. Think he’s got to the point of giving up.

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I'm surprised he is still around. You don't side with someone you know is wrong, what sort of an example is that? Your DD sounds like a spoilt brat.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 08:16

MyDeftDuck · 13/05/2025 08:13

This.
Is she your only child? And how long will she potentially be living at home? If you dump the partner and she moves out where will that leave you?

Show quote history

No I have 3 daughters

I can’t see her moving out for a good few years. If I was to dump my partner I would be gutted and financially screwed but my DD would be happier

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 08:18

NattyTurtle59 · 13/05/2025 08:15

I'm surprised he is still around. You don't side with someone you know is wrong, what sort of an example is that? Your DD sounds like a spoilt brat.

Show quote history

I agree with you!
she’s used to getting her own way I guess. I just wanted to make them happy when their dad left that I did and still do everything

my other 2 are doing amazingly but my eldest still expects it

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 13/05/2025 08:18

If your daughter has lived with her boyfriend then she knows how to put dishes in the dishwasher.. unless that is why they broke up!
It sounds as if she has reverted to childhood since she came home, no housework, you sorting her finances every month(?).. you are babying her. She needs to pull her weight.. living in a household wilth 2 other adults..
Your partner needs to ignore the mumbling... this is a form of control.. it is done on purpose for attention.. she mumbles, he cant quite hear her.. he asks her what she said... she (probably) says 'nothing'.. he gets pissed off.. and she feels like she has scored a point cos she knows it winds him up. Childish!
Have the family meeting.. and then step back.
She would not behave like this in a house-share.. cos no-one else would put up with it.

bookmarket · 13/05/2025 08:18

OP - could it be that you are averse to all conflict due to your ex husband?

I'm this way. My DH and young adult DD clash a bit and bicker and it drives me mad. He's her father.The things that DD does that wind up DH and vice versa, irritate me also but I don't rise to it because I avoid conflict and have learnt to choose my words more carefully to get my point across.

Generally I do leave them to it even if it annoys me, but I don't like it.

Are your dd and DH ever saying anything hurtful to each other or is it just overreaction to comments made? If the latter then stepping out of the room and refusing to listen to either one of them tell you about their clashes might be your best way forward.