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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter doesn’t partner & vice versa

235 replies

Mumof3babygirls · 12/05/2025 22:49

So as the title says my daughter and partner don’t get on. Daughters 25, I’ve been with partner 10 years, they have times when it’s ok but mostly they don’t get along. I’m pulled both ways by them both. DD is hard work, has been since being little. I have been fighting to get her tested to see if she’s on the spectrum. She’s a great girl who I love with my whole like but is hard to live with. Partner isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone
I work away 3 days a week so can’t always be at home and most weeks DD will text me moaning abt my partner
I’ve spoken to them both so many times
I feel my only choice is to end relationship with my partner but I love him and after my daughters dad left due to multiple affair it took me many years to love someone again
please help me as I just can’t think straight x

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:30

RareGoalsVerge · 13/05/2025 07:23

No you haven't. You moved your boyfriend in when she was 15, someone she didn't like and couldn't trust. Her adult life is this unstable because she didn't get to build a steady foundation in her teenage years, your love life was more important. I don't honestly know the solution here but please don't pretend that you weren't the architect of this mess.

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Where did OP say she moved him in when DD was 15 ? She also says that the problems between them are recent. And DD couldn’t have thought he was that bad if she moved back in when she got into financial difficulties. You’re posting vitriolic nonsense based on things you’ve made up.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:32

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:26

I don’t blame him. Why are you treating her differently than the others ? She got into difficulties and you both opened up your home to her. There’s no reason she shouldn’t be pulling her weight. This doesn’t sound like a DP problem - it sounds like a DD issue and yiu need to nip it in the bud or you’ll never have any peace.

Edited
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Your right. I know you are. After reading the posts I actually think i may be a problem but I’d not looked at it like that

OP posts:
FedupofArsenalgame · 13/05/2025 07:35

soupyspoon · 13/05/2025 07:21

Yes I see this all the time on here, its incredible!

So you could simultaneously kick out all the kids at the same time because they constantly bicker with each other, well into adulthood!

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Lol my DDs can still bicker every time they meet. Both in their 30s and live 250 miles apart.

Not getting why people going on about vulnerable kids though. If the DD disliked the partner that much then she wouldn't have moved back in . And OP says he's the first person she goes to when she needs something.

Not sure what others are reading differently

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:35

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 13/05/2025 07:17

Of course you can pursue your own happiness. That is separate to making your kids be around some man.

Why has he chosen to have conflict with vulnerable kids, and not housed himself, over the years?

It’s his home? Yr making him out to sound weird. We are in a long term relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:36

FedupofArsenalgame · 13/05/2025 07:35

Lol my DDs can still bicker every time they meet. Both in their 30s and live 250 miles apart.

Not getting why people going on about vulnerable kids though. If the DD disliked the partner that much then she wouldn't have moved back in . And OP says he's the first person she goes to when she needs something.

Not sure what others are reading differently

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hes not the horrible person ppl are saying. Hes a good man. They just clash at times

OP posts:
Radra · 13/05/2025 07:37

Sorry I still don't understand why it has to be a few years before she moves out?

If she works full time, a house share or lodging should be very achievable - it might take her longer to pay off her debt but that was her poor choices so to an extent there we go

It does sort of sound like all round you baby her - you manage to work and do some chores, why can she not?

jetlag92 · 13/05/2025 07:37

TammyJones · 13/05/2025 06:49

Well that’s the answer then.
don’t end the relationship
when draw back a little from their clashes.
let them deal with it.
seems like they are both doing it for attention.

This was exactly what I was going to say.
Tell them you really don't want to hear it.

FedupofArsenalgame · 13/05/2025 07:39

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:36

hes not the horrible person ppl are saying. Hes a good man. They just clash at times

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I used to clash with my dad at times also. Much as I loved him ( and vice versa) we did have these irritating little habits that would've made living together difficult

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:39

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 13/05/2025 07:17

Of course you can pursue your own happiness. That is separate to making your kids be around some man.

Why has he chosen to have conflict with vulnerable kids, and not housed himself, over the years?

Try reading the OP’s posts properly. DD is 25, the conflict is recent and not of his making. OP and her partner are helping to pay off DD’s debt, but she’s not even helping around the house. And why would he ‘house himself’ when he’s paying a mortgage with OP ?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 13/05/2025 07:41

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 06:33

Honestly it could be years until she moves out. I don’t see that happening anytime soon

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You sound very passive. It's not her decision when she moves out - she's an adult and it's your house. Really I think you should have dealt with this sooner than 10 years into your relationship with your partner, and either helped mend the relationship between them, or ended the relationship to focus on your DD if you couldn't make things better between them.

TooGoodToGoto · 13/05/2025 07:41

Secretsquirels · 13/05/2025 06:50

If you’d have to sell the house if you split anyway, you could also consider selling, buying somewhere smaller and giving dd a deposit for somewhere to buy from the equity…

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So reward the daughter with a house deposit, what about the other daughters, who haven’t got into a financial mess?

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:42

Radra · 13/05/2025 07:37

Sorry I still don't understand why it has to be a few years before she moves out?

If she works full time, a house share or lodging should be very achievable - it might take her longer to pay off her debt but that was her poor choices so to an extent there we go

It does sort of sound like all round you baby her - you manage to work and do some chores, why can she not?

I do baby her I don’t know why.

when my girls dad left I had so much guilt I put my whole being into raising them
I still work out her finances every month. She does pay rent

i couldn’t ask her to move out it’s her home. I just wish she would be a little more thoughtful

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:44

TooGoodToGoto · 13/05/2025 07:41

So reward the daughter with a house deposit, what about the other daughters, who haven’t got into a financial mess?

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I couldn’t afford that and I would give them all the same. I’ve always been very fair

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 13/05/2025 07:44

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:09

She does work bless her. But on her days off she will do nothing as it’s her day to chill
we all work in the house. On my days off I do the typical washing cleaning cooking etc then he gets wound up because she does nothing where as him and the others do

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Again, why are you accepting her doing nothing? She lives in your home, she contributes like everyone else.

Tbrh · 13/05/2025 07:44

Sorry haven't RTFT and if I've missed it but how long has he lived with you/her. Because 25 is obvious and adult but 15 isn't. Also you said he's just as bad, could he be purposely goading her so she'll leave?

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:47

Radra · 13/05/2025 07:37

Sorry I still don't understand why it has to be a few years before she moves out?

If she works full time, a house share or lodging should be very achievable - it might take her longer to pay off her debt but that was her poor choices so to an extent there we go

It does sort of sound like all round you baby her - you manage to work and do some chores, why can she not?

She won’t get a house share or lodgings if she has unpaid debt. The credit and other checks on potential tenants are very strict these days. Even if she managed to secure one, she would need a month’s rent upfront, a deposit and a guarantor.

Radra · 13/05/2025 07:48

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:47

She won’t get a house share or lodgings if she has unpaid debt. The credit and other checks on potential tenants are very strict these days. Even if she managed to secure one, she would need a month’s rent upfront, a deposit and a guarantor.

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That wouldn't be an issue with being a lodger though

Schoolchoicesucks · 13/05/2025 07:48

Do your other daughters live with you?
Do they all their weight around the house?

It sounds to me as though

  1. Your 25 year old daughter shouldn't get to dictate your relationship (aside from if he were abusive)
  2. If your 25 year old daughter chooses to live with her mum and mum's partner then she needs to do her fair share around the house of cooking, cleaning etc. Set up a rota.
  3. If your 25 year old daughter doesn't like that she should look to move into a houseshare.
  4. Your DP should back off from complaining about every glass not put straight into the dishwasher.
  5. You must stop babying her
Teaacup · 13/05/2025 07:48

Your daughter works, but does she work full time? Does your partner work full time? It sounds like they don’t if they’re seeing enough of each other during the week to bicker so much. Is he winding her up?

beAsensible1 · 13/05/2025 07:49

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 06:45

I hear what you’re saying. I really do. He is. He’s a sweetie.
maybe I need to change jobs so I’m home more
if my partner and I are no longer together I would have to sell my house as I couldn’t afford the mortgage alone and above that I love him
im told blended families are never easy but just not this hard
when I’ve spoken with my them my daughter begs me not to end my relationship

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Did you and DP buy the house together?

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 07:50

Tbrh · 13/05/2025 07:44

Sorry haven't RTFT and if I've missed it but how long has he lived with you/her. Because 25 is obvious and adult but 15 isn't. Also you said he's just as bad, could he be purposely goading her so she'll leave?

If she moved back in with me and expected me to help pay off her debt, was a slob around he house and refused to pitch in with chores I’d be looking to make her leave too.

ThejoyofNC · 13/05/2025 07:51

I think the man is a saint for putting up with her shit to be honest.

SheridansPortSalut · 13/05/2025 07:51

I really don't understand the appeal in a partner who "isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone". He sounds like a poor choice to have brought into the life of a 15 year old with suspected autism and a poor choice of a person to grow old with.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 07:52

Tbrh · 13/05/2025 07:44

Sorry haven't RTFT and if I've missed it but how long has he lived with you/her. Because 25 is obvious and adult but 15 isn't. Also you said he's just as bad, could he be purposely goading her so she'll leave?

We’ve lived together for 8 years
DD lived with us for 5 moved out then came home I think living out of home she had her own way to do things obviously then moving back home we do things differently to her

i dont think he’s gouding her. He knows that she’s welcome at home aslong as is needed

they both have a love of motorsport and will sit and watch the races together and discuss it. They have fun times. It’s not always like it is atm but when it is it’s so horrible

ppl are making out hes some kind of freak. He’s isn’t and he’s put up with a lot during our relationship

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 13/05/2025 07:54

I think if it's a her problem you need to back him up