Daughter doesn’t partner & vice versa

[Mumof3babygirls]

So as the title says my daughter and partner don’t get on. Daughters 25, I’ve been with partner 10 years, they have times when it’s ok but mostly they don’t get along. I’m pulled both ways by them both. DD is hard work, has been since being little. I have been fighting to get her tested to see if she’s on the spectrum. She’s a great girl who I love with my whole like but is hard to live with. Partner isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone
I work away 3 days a week so can’t always be at home and most weeks DD will text me moaning abt my partner
I’ve spoken to them both so many times
I feel my only choice is to end relationship with my partner but I love him and after my daughters dad left due to multiple affair it took me many years to love someone again
please help me as I just can’t think straight x

I did that last nyt
im going to speak with them both tmrw when I’m home

i need to work. I can’t be at home all the time so something needs to change I guess

Well she needs to move out. She can get a house share on spareroom.com, if you pay the deposit and rent up front that gives her enough time to make a UC claim with the rent element covering the rent. Then she needs to work on getting a job, any job.

Also weird that people are posting that they wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who bickers with their child!?
Really? Do you never bicker with your kids?
Obviously lots of mumsnetters live in perpetually harmonic homes where everyone gets on all the time. 🙄

She does work bless her. But on her days off she will do nothing as it’s her day to chill
we all work in the house. On my days off I do the typical washing cleaning cooking etc then he gets wound up because she does nothing where as him and the others do

I think you need to change.

Remeber when the kids were little and squabbled? You ignore it unless there is silence or screaming!

DD didn’t put her glass in the dishwasher? Say - can you deal with that? What are you telling me for?

Same goes for her - Why are you telling me that?

Sounds like a pair of tell tales!!

I was worried we were the only family that bicker

Sounds like she has never grown up and perhaps it’s time to help her become a bit more independent by stepping back and intervening less in their arguments. When my kids fight over stupid stuff like this I say ‘Nobody cares about your petty squabbles. Sort it out amongst yourselves’. And that helps a lot.

If she works full time then she can afford to pay rent, even if she needs some help from universal credit or pip or you to top this up.

In your example above where she isn’t helping in the house your partner is right. It’s an adult responsibility and she is an adult. She either needs to pitch in and help or pay for a cleaner.

I totally agree with you. That’s exactly what I need to do. I just carry so much guilt that they didn’t grow up with their father.( not my choice) I honestly do everything k can trying to make everyone happy

Honestly you are so right. I need to step back and let them get on with it

he’s the first person she goes to when she needs help and he’s always there for her

Of course you can pursue your own happiness. That is separate to making your kids be around some man.

Why has he chosen to have conflict with vulnerable kids, and not housed himself, over the years?

It seems like your partner is putting up with a lot from your daughter.
From his point of view, his partner's adult daughter has moved back in because she needs help but then instead of being grateful and using the time to get back on her feet, she is being a pain.
I would imagine he would rather she moved out but he can't get frustrated about that because he loves you and wants to support you on your decisions. Instead he's misplacing that frustration onto little things she does wrong.
I might be way off but I honestly feel sorry for him in this situation.
Why can't you see her moving out? She should be working towards that.

Thankyou. Thats made me feel better
we do the family meeting and for a few weeks everything is great then I get the texts again. As others have said I need to step back and let them get on with it

when their good their really good

Yes I see this all the time on here, its incredible!

So you could simultaneously kick out all the kids at the same time because they constantly bicker with each other, well into adulthood!

This!!!!!

No you haven't. You moved your boyfriend in when she was 15, someone she didn't like and couldn't trust. Her adult life is this unstable because she didn't get to build a steady foundation in her teenage years, your love life was more important. I don't honestly know the solution here but please don't pretend that you weren't the architect of this mess.

What bizarre take on the situation is this?

Conflict around vulnerable kids?

Not housed himself?

Its his mortgaged house with the OP isnt it?

He is a good man. He doesn’t have his own children so it’s definitely been a learning curve for him
she moved in with her ex bf for 2 years he didn’t help pay rent/ bills so got into a lot of debt which we are slowly chipping away at. I think it will be a good few years until she’s mentally and financially able to

That is spectacularly unfair and you clearly haven't read all of OPs posts.

You’re naking him out to sound weird!! He isn’t!!

it’s his home aswell as my DD

I don’t blame him. Why are you treating her differently than the others ? She got into difficulties and you both opened up your home to her. There’s no reason she shouldn’t be pulling her weight. This doesn’t sound like a DP problem - it sounds like a DD issue and yiu need to nip it in the bud or you’ll never have any peace.

I didn’t just love him in! We dated for a year before he even met my children

I think you have quoted the wrong person.

oh im so sorry x

I think we need to know the daughters complaints before piling on her. We only have an idea of his complaints about daughter from OP, which is very telling.