Daughter doesn’t partner & vice versa

[Mumof3babygirls]

So as the title says my daughter and partner don’t get on. Daughters 25, I’ve been with partner 10 years, they have times when it’s ok but mostly they don’t get along. I’m pulled both ways by them both. DD is hard work, has been since being little. I have been fighting to get her tested to see if she’s on the spectrum. She’s a great girl who I love with my whole like but is hard to live with. Partner isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone
I work away 3 days a week so can’t always be at home and most weeks DD will text me moaning abt my partner
I’ve spoken to them both so many times
I feel my only choice is to end relationship with my partner but I love him and after my daughters dad left due to multiple affair it took me many years to love someone again
please help me as I just can’t think straight x

These sort of petty quarrels happen in biological families too Op, what's not on is them both whinging to you. In your DP place I'd be fed up living with the PA mutterings and the doing nothing in the house. I'm afraid you've still babying your eldest, she maybe on the spectrum but she's not a child. Time for one last talk, tell them they need to sort themselves out, not run to you to arbitrate.

But you aren't keeping the peace. You are letting your eldest take the piss out of everyone in the household.

You also aren't doing her any favours. No decent man would put up with your daughter's behaviour. No house share would either.

I feel sorry for your partner and your other 2 kids. You at least get to escape by working away and you leave them with the nightmare you've created.

You earlier said your partner and daughter are as bad as each other. But your subsequent posts suggest you know this isn't true and that your daughter's attitude and behaviour is the main problem. Perhaps stop burying your head in the sand and deal with your eldest.

How would she be happier given she clearly also has a good realtionship with him at times and is also benefiting financially from his money. Where would she live if you split up and you could only afford a smaller accommodation for example?

Infantilising her is disabling her, you are not doing any favours by viewing this as long term. You need to sit down with her and work through a 6 week plan for her to source accommodation, make the right benefit applications if required, might not be required as initially I thought she wasnt working, and move out.

100% right. Thankyou. Think I just needed someone to tell me what I already knew

She would be happier as I’m not as strict as him

honestly she can’t move out. She would end up in a total mess and would end up moving back home

I think in a couple of years she will be financially able to. She would love to move out I’m sure

Then l think it’s down to you to solve. You’re not setting any boundaries for your DD and you’re leaving your partner, who you say is a good man, watching helplessly while you enable her laziness and fail to support him when he calls her behaviour out. She’s taking advantage of you both and what’s worse, she’s playing you off against each other.

Take control. Make her pitching in a condition of helping out with her debt and make it clear it’s none negotiable. If she doesn’t like it she can move out. If you support your partner and give DD some structure and discipline you’ll probably find the bickering will die down, but you have to back him up when he calls her out on being a slob. And I’m guessing that’s the problem.

You need to recognise that you’re not doing your DD any favours by enabling this behaviour and l’m wondering if there’s more to how she managed to get into debt in the fist place because from what you’ve said here she seems very entitled. She doesn’t seem equipped to deal with the realities of life and if something doesn’t change she’ll be living with you for ever. Whereas your partner probably won’t.

I know I know ur right
As shit as that it. I know most of this is my doing

Oh god. What a mess

I just blame him for everything poor sod when actually it’s not just him al all is it

You could still support her from afar

Where would she live if you and him split up though, thats my point, you would have to sell the house you said

What if she doesn't like the next one, the next one, or the one after that? Don't let another fully grown adult dictate to you, regardless of whether she's your daughter.

They girls would stay with me

id need to rent somewhere

I’ve though that to.

This is a total nightmare IMO. I agree that your partner sounds like a saint.

If this looks like a long-term thing, could you buy a different house, where there is more of a separate annex for your daughter? e.g. a basement flat?

Sadly not financially we couldn’t do it

This sounds tough all around. I can see why your DP may get annoyed with your DD and why she too might not want him around, and you are just in the middle of it all. If your DD has had a bad time, I can get how she might want to come home and be looked after by mum. But this only helps if it’s for a short period to help her bounce back. The goal has to be to get her fully functioning and capable so she can move on. If you don’t help equip her in that way, her future is limited and you won’t be there forever. I can see how much you care and these are just some thoughts as I know family dynamics are complex and it can be hard to get the full detail down. Good luck.

Most of it is your daughter's doing. You may be enabling her but you aren't forcing her to behave the way she does. It is a choice she makes.

At 25 it’s not your job to make your daughter happy at the expense of yourself and your partner. You need to stop babying her, which you know, because you’re never going to resolve the issue if you keep pandering to her. Your poor partner has the patience of a saint and you’re taking advantage of his kindness by making his home feel like it’s not his!

Don't feel you are getting a hard time on here.
It is always easier to see things from afar when there is no emotional attachment!
No matter how much we love our kids, we have to let them grow up. Yes they might make mistakes,. Yes they might get hurt. But she is not a wee girl any more. At 25 she is most certainly an adult. And you shoild treat her as sucn. And she has to learn (quickly!) to behave as one.
This can all be fixed.
Stay strong!

Continuing on from @Rosscameasdoody says, if your apparently very nice DP did move out and it’s just you and DD, how much effort would she put into being part of an adult household and being kind to you in the day to day and how much pandering effort would she expect from you to keep her happy?

If you start saying “no” to her, expect some rough times. She will push back. But keep DP in the loop and he will probably have your back every time. Eventually, life should be on a more even keel.

I’m not helping tho
honestly I’ve been so horrible to him. I always take her side because she’s my DD I’m surprised he’s not walked out…. I would have

At 25 I knew if I fucked up there would be a sofa at my mums for a month or 2 max, not that she didn't want me there. The house set up had changed, I'd of not lived there for 6 years. With siblings I was under no impression that my room would be a shrine, if things ever went wrong I'd have to be an adult about it.

DD has live independently yet has come home and reverted, even has you thinking you should be at SAHM to the there for her.
Nope you house yours and DP house, may be her home, not hers to rule the roost. Stop pandering to her and tell her she has upset the dynamics has out grown home and needs to go. Give her a few months not years.

Can I just ask at 25 what did your lofe look like? was it foot loose and fancy free like hers or were you working raising a family?

Stop enabling this behaviour, what if you had downsize while she was living else where and there wasn't a room for her to come back to.

You do not need to be in any way responsible for their relationship with each other. Tell them it is up to them. Tell your DD that DP is your partner and will be staying and tell your partner DD is welcome to stay as long as she needs. How they manage is up to them. If they complain to you, just say 'oh' or 'right' or 'hmmm'.

Nope. And no man, however good, will put up with this long term. He probably feels he has no voice in his own home and at the end of the day OP, he’s helping to support her !! The lack of respect both you and DD are showing him is astonishing.

You need to step up and start supporting him. You and your partner need to agree what you expect of her in return for the support you’re both giving her then you need to sit down with DD and read her the riot act. In return for your continued support she has a responsibility to pitch in and help, clean up her own mess and treat everyone with respect instead of playing you off against each other. She’s 25 and she’s still behaving like a stroppy 15 year old because you are treating her like one. The solution is in your own hands.

That’s ridiculous!

I think your user name says a lot. You are not the mother of three baby girls, you are the mother of three women.

Your resident daughter may or may not be neurodivergent. Whether she is or she isn't you are not doing her any favours by babying her and treating her as an incapable child.

For her own self respect and development she needs to be taking some responsibility for her life. She needs to be contributing, financially and practically, according to her abilities. She managed to find a partner and live away from home for two years and only returned for financial reasons so her practical abilities must be reasonably high.

You need to up your expectations of her in every way. Saying you don't think she will be able to move away for years is almost like cursing her. You have no idea what's around the corner for her. When your husband left you high and dry with three little girls I bet you didn't envisage that just three years later you'd meet someone better - but it happened.

It's tough when adult children return to the nest. Our own DD returned after 4 years at uni overseas and was a nightmare. She certainly tried to dictate how we ran things and complained incessantly about us living our lives. We love her dearly but the sigh of relief when she eventually moved out was probably audible 2 doors down. But our relationship is stronger now for having successfully negotiated a very tricky time.

Your DP sounds very patient - where does she get off telling a grown man how much to he can watch in his own home?

Be firm, make boundaries for yourself as well as for them and then stick to your own firmly, no matter how hard your DD tries to suck you into the drama.