Daughter doesn’t partner & vice versa

[Mumof3babygirls]

So as the title says my daughter and partner don’t get on. Daughters 25, I’ve been with partner 10 years, they have times when it’s ok but mostly they don’t get along. I’m pulled both ways by them both. DD is hard work, has been since being little. I have been fighting to get her tested to see if she’s on the spectrum. She’s a great girl who I love with my whole like but is hard to live with. Partner isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone
I work away 3 days a week so can’t always be at home and most weeks DD will text me moaning abt my partner
I’ve spoken to them both so many times
I feel my only choice is to end relationship with my partner but I love him and after my daughters dad left due to multiple affair it took me many years to love someone again
please help me as I just can’t think straight x

If you’d have to sell the house if you split anyway, you could also consider selling, buying somewhere smaller and giving dd a deposit for somewhere to buy from the equity…

No, but she was at 15.

What's done is done, but I'm surprised you pursued a live in relationship with a man who could not get along with your quite possibly ASD teenage daughter, and doesn't 'have any sympathy ' for anyone.

23 and 18. No he isn’t. Their dad left 13 years ago. They don’t have much of a relationship with him unfortunately

I think the time for worrying about this was when she was a teenager and needed her home to be a safe space free of non family members that she disliked. Unless she’s vulnerable, her best option now is moving out and seeing you on your own.

She has had to put up with him since she was 15, yet you say you put her first

They have been ok. It’s the last few years it’s got bad. When it’s good it’s amazing but when their like it is atm it’s unbearable

Do your other daughters get on with your partner?

You say she is not good managing her finances.

Does she work? Does she have friends? How does she cope in the big wide world generally?

I don’t think you have any intentions of ending your relationship as you sound disingenuous on this front. I also don’t judge you for this. However, the situation is escalating because nobody is being honest about how they all feel. Family therapy would help.

There wouldn’t be enough equity in the house to do that as would have to give the same amount to all 3 DD
She also wouldn’t be able to afford rent/mortgage atm

Yes. Over the years they have had the odd moment but the other 2 think he’s great

Yep. They have had the odd moment over the years but they think he’s great. My youngest is really close with him

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t get along with my children. Simple as that.

She needs to fix this and move back out again, she's half way to 30!

Ah that makes it tricky then.

Is she not working? If not that may be making the relationship with your partner worse if she’s at home all day and not contributing to costs at 25.

My son is neurodiverse so I get how tricky this is. Would the relationship be better if she was busier do you think?

If she’s been obliged to live back in with you because she got herself into a mess, then she puts up and shuts up until she gets her own place, and you should encourage that to be sooner rather than later. Tell her you do not want to receive any more messages moaning about him.

So presumably they would be upset if he was no longer in their lives.

People have strong views on here about women who get into another relationship when they have young children, but this is a long term relationship now and your children are all adults. You can't go back and redo their childhood without your partner in it.

And I can't help but feel that if your partner was really intolerable from your daughter's point of view, she wouldn't be living at home with you at the age of 25.

Have you tried sitting down with her and explaining how it makes you feel when she complains about him all the time, and asking what exactly she wants you to do about it? Make it clear that whilst she and her sisters are your priority and always have been, you are allowed to have a relationship. Surely she doesn't actually want you to be alone once she and her sisters have all flown the nest.

I actually sometimes think this!!
sometimes I wonder if it’s for my attention. We have mum n daughter days out weekly I spend so much time with both of them.
honestly their clashes are never over ‘big’ things it’s always

She needs to recognise she’s living in his home too and he’s graciously opened his doors to her when she was in need. Tbh it’s pretty big of your partner to welcome her back and accept she might be living there for several more years.

She is an adult, not a child and doesn’t need sheltering from the realities of adult life and relationships. There’s always going to be difficulties with adults living in the same household, whether family or a house share.

I would be sitting her down and reminding her it’s his home too and she needs to show him some basic respect. Otherwise she can get on spareroom.com and find a houseshare.

Yes he really is.

Believe me I love my DCs beyond measure. But if DH and I had to live with one of them at age 25 there would be ructions!
Of course there’ll be issues where they’ll get on each others nerves. It’s normal and natural. Your examples are actually stuff that DH and I bicker about at times, doesn’t make him abusive and I’m not going to leave him.
Clearly he gets on with your other two DCs so he’s a good man it’s just your 25 yo adult - they clash.
I think she needs to get a grip and stop complaining to you about him telling her to put her glasses in the dishwasher- she just needs to do it!
Perhaps a family round table to clear the air is needed.

ppl certainly have strong views

I have sat them down many many times but when I’m honest tnrw that’s what I’m going to do again
Thankyou x

Honestly it sounds to me like they both need to wise up a bit
I myself am ND so I fully understand the complexities of navigating the neurodiverse life but it doesn't make it ok to take it out on everyone around you.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who bickered with my child,

On the other hand, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who moved their difficult to live with adult child into our joint home. He might be feeling resentful about being put in this position and not listened to.

Do they both wfh?

Yes this.