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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter doesn’t partner & vice versa

235 replies

Mumof3babygirls · 12/05/2025 22:49

So as the title says my daughter and partner don’t get on. Daughters 25, I’ve been with partner 10 years, they have times when it’s ok but mostly they don’t get along. I’m pulled both ways by them both. DD is hard work, has been since being little. I have been fighting to get her tested to see if she’s on the spectrum. She’s a great girl who I love with my whole like but is hard to live with. Partner isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone
I work away 3 days a week so can’t always be at home and most weeks DD will text me moaning abt my partner
I’ve spoken to them both so many times
I feel my only choice is to end relationship with my partner but I love him and after my daughters dad left due to multiple affair it took me many years to love someone again
please help me as I just can’t think straight x

OP posts:
Laoise542 · 13/05/2025 17:35

Do people really live in households where there is no bickering? Or where adult children don't bicker with their parents?

I moved back home in my mid twenties for a short while to save for a house deposit. Going from being totally independent to living back with my parents was a huge adjustment for me and my parents and there was plenty of bickering going on! I'm not surprised the OPs partner is bickering with the daughter, I would be too at a 25 year old who was doing sod all around the house.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 18:40

pinkyredrose · 13/05/2025 11:40

What is it about him that makes him a 'sweetie'? He sounds anything but.

Why does he live with you, was it your idea or his?

Show quote history

He’s lived with OP for ten years. Added to the mortgage because OP couldn’t afford to keep the house on by herself. He sounds a decent guy who is trying to do right by everyone and OP has admitted she takes her DD’s side every time. I don’t think this is a DP problem, I think it’s an OP problem.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 18:51

bluesinthenight · 13/05/2025 10:46

He doesn't sound like a sweetie. Not to her anyway.

What was it like before she moved in? Did he have a go at you about the way you put things in the dishwasher etc?

Read the OP and updates. OP has clearly said there was no problem until DD moved out to live with her BF and then moved back in when they split and she was in debt. OP has said DD doesn’t help around the house and refuses to clean up after herself - and that she, (OP) is enabling it by letting her get away with it. She doesn’t back her partner up when he tries to intervene but takes her daughter’s side. If I were the partner this would be a deal breaker for me - he’s helping pay off DD’s debt but gets no respect and has no voice in his own home. I’d be long gone.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 18:56

bluesinthenight · 13/05/2025 10:57

So, it didn't actually take "ages" for you to fall for someone else after their abusive father left. In my experience it takes more than 3 years to get over something like that. This relationship would have impacted on her. Your daughter was just 12 when the abusive father left and by the time she was 15 you were involved with someone else. Contrary to what you say you did not put your children first and your daughter is possibly still acting out because of this. She might see something that you are not facing - for a start you let slip on this forum that he is not patient or sympathetic of anyone. How is that sweet?

She is an adult now and our expectation is that adults deal with these consequences on their own. Poor woman.

Show quote history

Absolute bollocks. MN hates step parents - even the decent ones. He’s stepped up and taken on the mortgage and three children. OP says there was no problem until DD moved out to live with her BF and then had to move back in because she got herself into debt, which OP and her partner are helping her pay off. Poor woman my arse - she has OP and her partner paying off her debt and she can’t even be bothered to pitch in with housework or clean up after herself. She’s 25. An adult. And OP is enabling her to be a manipulative madam setting everyone against each other so that she can do what she wants. How is that the partners’ fault ?

Rosscameasdoody · 13/05/2025 19:05

SmoothRoads · 13/05/2025 11:04

But she was only 15 when her mom got into a relationship.

Show quote history

Ten years ago. And he moved in with the consent and agreement of all three girls. DD is now 25 and OP says there was never any problem until DD moved out to live with her BF and moved back in when it didn’t work and she had debt to pay off. Sometimes these things are not the fault of the step parent however much you’d like them to be.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 19:31

Thankyou all for yr advice

I don’t agree with some that have replied. I have always tried to be a good mum and do right by my daughters! I didn’t move a stranger in the house, my daughters have been involved at every step along the way
I agree I have enabled my daughters behaviour and couldn’t see that for myself, I can now and can put in rules to help the house
my partner has his faults as do we all but he is a good man

thanks again x

OP posts:
Laoise542 · 13/05/2025 19:37

Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 19:31

Thankyou all for yr advice

I don’t agree with some that have replied. I have always tried to be a good mum and do right by my daughters! I didn’t move a stranger in the house, my daughters have been involved at every step along the way
I agree I have enabled my daughters behaviour and couldn’t see that for myself, I can now and can put in rules to help the house
my partner has his faults as do we all but he is a good man

thanks again x

There's a big consensus on MN that all step fathers even the decent ones are a bad thing and that if a mum splits up from her husband she should remain single for the remainder of her life as to not to upset or damage her children even if they are well into adulthood. I'd try and not take it too much to heart.

I'm glad you have been able to some of the advice on board and hopefully some positive changes can come about.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 13/05/2025 19:41

Laoise542 · 13/05/2025 19:37

There's a big consensus on MN that all step fathers even the decent ones are a bad thing and that if a mum splits up from her husband she should remain single for the remainder of her life as to not to upset or damage her children even if they are well into adulthood. I'd try and not take it too much to heart.

I'm glad you have been able to some of the advice on board and hopefully some positive changes can come about.

Show quote history

Their father did enough damage I have spent the years desperately to help them.

i would never let a man around my daughters if I had my concerns.
I was 37 when my ex husband left and was a single mum for many years I still had lots of love to give to someone as well as my girls
thanks for replying
take care x

OP posts:
AstonScrapingsNameChange · 14/05/2025 10:42

bluesinthenight · 13/05/2025 10:57

So, it didn't actually take "ages" for you to fall for someone else after their abusive father left. In my experience it takes more than 3 years to get over something like that. This relationship would have impacted on her. Your daughter was just 12 when the abusive father left and by the time she was 15 you were involved with someone else. Contrary to what you say you did not put your children first and your daughter is possibly still acting out because of this. She might see something that you are not facing - for a start you let slip on this forum that he is not patient or sympathetic of anyone. How is that sweet?

She is an adult now and our expectation is that adults deal with these consequences on their own. Poor woman.

Show quote history

Bloody hell you're judgemental.

Should all women whose marriages have broken down remain single until their children have grown up, in case their dating impacts on the children? Do you judge single dads as harshly?

What about the positives and stability this guy has brought into their lives?

She's not been bringing back a different bloke every weekend fgs.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 14/05/2025 22:53

bookmarket · 13/05/2025 08:18

OP - could it be that you are averse to all conflict due to your ex husband?

I'm this way. My DH and young adult DD clash a bit and bicker and it drives me mad. He's her father.The things that DD does that wind up DH and vice versa, irritate me also but I don't rise to it because I avoid conflict and have learnt to choose my words more carefully to get my point across.

Generally I do leave them to it even if it annoys me, but I don't like it.

Are your dd and DH ever saying anything hurtful to each other or is it just overreaction to comments made? If the latter then stepping out of the room and refusing to listen to either one of them tell you about their clashes might be your best way forward.

Edited

Yes I hate conflict. There was so much in the later years of my marriage that I avoid it at all costs if I can.

they are never mean to each other. It’s just bickering
I wouldn’t have either of them being mean to the other

OP posts:
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