Dad using individual ladies loo to change baby – what’s the etiquette?

[horchatatresleches]

We were at a small cafe we hadn’t visited before – just me, DH, and our baby DS. When DS needed changing, DH went to check the facilities but came back quickly saying the baby change was in the ladies so I changed him but it got me wondering about what is the etiquette.

The setup was one of those where the mens and women loos are both single-occupancy, self-contained rooms that open off the same hallway – not communal spaces with stalls. So it’s not like he’d be walking into a room with other women inside and making anyone uncomfortable. I’ve been to similar cafes where both loos are labelled gender-neutral, which seems simpler. Personally, I wouldn’t bat an eye if I saw a dad coming out of that kind of loo with a baby, but DH felt uncomfortable using the ladies even though there was no one else around. He wasn’t sure what he’d have done if I hadn’t been there to help.

Is there an etiquette about dads using the ladies in this kind of setup if that’s where the baby change is?
YANBU - he’s fine to use the baby change
YABU - he shouldn’t go in the ladies there

Of course a dad with a child can use a changing station at the womens' loo.

He should just ask the cafe owner whether he should use the ladies toilet, and if not he should demand they provide suitable alternative facilities or he will sue them for sexual discrimination. Often they'll just back down if you kick up a fuss and threaten them with legal action.

At least he didn’t do it on the table as I have seen done in the past.

Yeah of course he can. It’s a stupid set up though. What if he was there alone?

loos like this should be for all genders.

Was the male toilet an accessible toilet with wheelchair space and transfer bars which did not have a baby change unit
Or was it a regular small ( able body) male toilet?

Because in a lot of provision the underlying assumption is that men dont "need" baby change units as thats "womens work"

I wouldn’t like it.

He should ask about the cafe having a changing table in the men’s for dads like him, or vote with his feet and go elsewhere.

My view is that if the two of you are together you should change the baby if the table is in the ladies. If he's alone and there is no alternative it's ok for him to do it.

He should ask the café owner where he can change the baby because it is not acceptable for him to go in the ladies.

Lather, rince and repeat every time he goes out with the child.

Why should she do it just because it’s in the ladies ?

because men shouldn't be in the ladies.

Men need to get on at cafés etc to provide changing facilities that they can use. Or offer to use the table/seat in the corner, or if they can use the manager's office.

They need to be making it clear it is not acceptable for them to be told to use the ladies.

of course it’s ok for him to use the ladies. Sorry I voted on the Yabu option by mistake

Exactly this. Mothers had to fight for what they’ve got - no reason why dads can’t put in the work for themselves as well instead of just hijacking our hard-won female spaces.

Wouldn't bother me. If he'd shout through the door that ge needs to come in to change the baby cause there's no facilities in the men's, fair enough.

Likewise if I went in and there was a bloke there with a baby on theat, I'd assume he'd say something along those lines - no facilities in the men's.

Cant believe in this day and age dads aren't catered for!

Because plenty of women don't want men in the ladies, especially after a decade of men invading our spaces. I get this situation is different but if it there is a way to avoid yet another man invading female spaces I think that's the route to take. If men hadn't been invading female spaces illegally for so long I would have zero issue with OP sitting enjoying her food while the dad changed the nappy in the ladies, but right now it's a touchy situation.

The café shouldn't be so sexist and should have a changing table in both rooms.

They’re not catered for because they haven’t told business and service providers their needs.

I think fine to use the ladies for that purpose. I can't imagine any woman would object if he came in with a baby in his arms.

In those circumstances, where the toilets are identical, I use whichever one is free and it annoys me that they put 'male' and 'female' on them. I'd have no issue with a man using a toilet marked 'ladies' to change his baby, as long as there was no risk of a woman being in at the same time.

I think he should ask ‘where should I change my baby’s nappy’. Let the place you are at tell him.

I absolutely disagree that you should just do it- it’s perfectly reasonable that a baby change should be available to anyone needing to change their baby.

Men need to advocate for men. He can start with an email to the coffee shop.
In the mean time in single spaces to access a change table I’m fine (as long as he cleans up).

Well I wouldn’t facilitate just for this reason. When abroad I’ve had to change a baby in all sorts of bathrooms with no changing units at all and managed. Best to ask rather than the mother just going ahead and changing the baby further cementing the view that baby changes are women’s work.
besides a single cubicle is totally different from a man waltzing into a communal ladies room which obviously would be totally inappropriate. What do you think he is going to do in there exactly ? Wee on the toilet seat ?

It is odd that a cafe with just two loos would even have them as ladies/gents. All the cafes I know with two loos have them as gender neutral.

YANBU

"all genders" what does that mean?

As it is single occupancy I don't see the issue.

The cafe should put a baby changing table in the men's as well though.

Mixed sex.

Did he go and speak to staff about the lack of facilities for father’s with babies? Or was his only action to hand baby to you and leave you to sort it all out?