Dad using individual ladies loo to change baby – what’s the etiquette?

[horchatatresleches]

We were at a small cafe we hadn’t visited before – just me, DH, and our baby DS. When DS needed changing, DH went to check the facilities but came back quickly saying the baby change was in the ladies so I changed him but it got me wondering about what is the etiquette.

The setup was one of those where the mens and women loos are both single-occupancy, self-contained rooms that open off the same hallway – not communal spaces with stalls. So it’s not like he’d be walking into a room with other women inside and making anyone uncomfortable. I’ve been to similar cafes where both loos are labelled gender-neutral, which seems simpler. Personally, I wouldn’t bat an eye if I saw a dad coming out of that kind of loo with a baby, but DH felt uncomfortable using the ladies even though there was no one else around. He wasn’t sure what he’d have done if I hadn’t been there to help.

Is there an etiquette about dads using the ladies in this kind of setup if that’s where the baby change is?
YANBU - he’s fine to use the baby change
YABU - he shouldn’t go in the ladies there

It’s a single, self contained loo with a baby change. It really, really doesn’t matter if a man goes in it to change his child. It also wouldn’t matter a jot if he went in for a wee if the other was engaged. It’s just a toilet. You’re banging the drum for female spaces so loud, you’ve forgotten to listen to common sense here.

This.

Nobody would even blink here. It would be a non issue

Honestly if this were us, my DH would have done the same, came and told me and I would have changed the nappy. He does 90+ per cent of nappy changes when we are together, we have 3 kids in the past 7ish years and this sort of thing has happened maybe two or three times ever. However all those times the baby change was in a communal ladies toilet to be fair so still not this situation. I know he still wouldn't willfully go into a room marked ladies though if I was there to use it.

In terms of what he'd do if he was alone in this set up, well it's never happened but I suspect he would either ask staff if it's ok for him to go in to change baby or possibly just go straight and do it tbh very unhappily.

Why though? It makes no difference and the woman shouldn’t have to do it simply because she’s the woman. Your argument makes no sense.

I would suggest to the cafe they should just label the individual toilets as gender neutral

Dont be so bloody ridiculous a baby should never be changed on the floor of a mens (or any toilet). That's disgusting.

This is not a communal toilet so no risk of another woman being in there, hes simply a man wanting to clean his baby. If the only changing facility is in the womens then where the hell else is he going to change baby? Telling him to complain isnt useful in that moment, if your baby is covered in poo then that's your priority not this nonsense. I'm not going to change my precious baby on the floor of a public table or stand and argue with minimum wage workers when I've a baby to take care off

Nobody has said changing nappies is a womans job, you've a dad here trying to do it and coming up against issues.

It's not ideal that disabled and baby change share so often either, but people have to use the facility allocated to them. Using the cubicle for the baby means use the ladies. Take baby in the gents if he needs a wee.

Well no, as it contains a baby change so that'll make it for parents and babies, not just women.

It's a single individual toilet so it shouldn't be a problem for anyone.

But for the pedants, I guess the cafe owner should change the sign to 'Ladies toilet and baby change'.

But that would leave no space for some of the people on Mumsnet to get their knickers in a twist. And then where would we be?

Yep, perfectly fine! My partner changed our kid in women’s loos lots of times - it’s not my job to do 100% of nappy changes. I’ve also changed her in disabled toilets when that is where the facilities are located and I am not disabled. Baby needs to be changed baby needs to be changed - nappy rash is no joke!

Toilets should be marked as any sex can use them (individual rooms obviously) and have the fact that there is a baby changing unit in one of them

if i need to go to the loo and they are individual rooms then I don’t pay attention to any signs other than disabled

What would your husband have done if you wasn't there? Leave the baby in a shitty nappy? I wouldn't have a problem with a dad changing his baby in there

Not really going to solve the immediate problem though if OP hadn’t been there

I'd have used it. It's a single seater and so shouldn't have caused upset.

If anyone created then I'd offer to change the baby on the table next time.

M, F to 3.

I'd assume only one has a sanitary bin which is why that's the ladies and the other is the men's.

what did you think it meant?
Everyone should be able to use the only toilet with baby change. Men, women, trans, intersex, any other term for a human.

I don't think there is any harm in him using the ladies in this situation - he isn't going to be invading anyone's privacy and the room would be being used whether he did it or you did, so he isn't causing more delay to women. Even with a larger loo with cubicles, I think it's okay for men on their own with babies to call in and ask if they can enter (wait for anyone who isn't comfortable to finish) as the discrimination by the cafe requires a bit of accommodation by everyone to make things fair on the man and baby.

I can, however, see why he would be uncomfortable (and why women might be a bit uncomfortable seeing him come out). And while it's not great that he turns to you to sort it out, the real problem here is that the cafe are discriminating by putting the changing table in a single sex space.

It’s obvious what it means. It means toilets anyone can use. They are single room toilets. Change the sign to toilets rather than mens and women’s and anyone can use them.
does that improve things?

It doesn’t matter if he was alone or not. There is zero problem with him using that space. None at all.

I too had to change my daughter on the floor of the toilets when she was too big for the baby change unit. Of course we managed because we had no choice, but it was a hideous thing to do and to suggest it should be done when there is a perfectly acceptable alternative is absolutely batshit.

What if Dad was out with the baby alone? Of course he should be allowed

So you can’t take a boy baby in there to change him either?

It’s 1 room so no one else will be in there at the same time. If they don’t want men in the ladies put a baby change in both

My partner took our son and daughter to Dublin zoo and had to use the changing room just inside the ladies toilets. He had no choice as the other changing room was at the front gate and he was already pretty far round.

If it’s ok for him to do it when out alone why isn’t it ok for him to do it when with a female?