To say this idea is stupid and to tell DH I don't want to entertain it?

[User982778]

For a bit of background...

Currently in a three bed house with me, DH, our 3 year old and 3 DSC (two DSS and one DSD).

Rooms are me, DH and 3yo in master, DSS sharing & DSD in 3rd room.

We wanted to move a while back but various things got in the way.

We have recently exchanged on a 4 bedroom house. Although of course a 5 bed would have been ideal, thete aren't a lot of 5 beds available in the area and this one has 4 decent size rooms with potential for a loft conversion or extension (which is our plan so that eventually everyone has their own room).

The idea was when we move in that everything stays the same with DSC but our child gets their own room and me and DH don't have to share anymore... finally.

However, DH keeps bringing up this week the idea that DSC all have their own rooms (this is no doubt what DSS would prefer) and we continue to share with 3 (nearly 4) year old until we do the conversion/ extension (hopefully within the next 18 months).

AIBU to say no? We are paying quite a big amount for this house as it's not a cheap area, we have been hyping up 3yo moving into his big boy room for ages because we knew the transition would be hard and honestly I just want my own damn room now!

DSC stay 2 nights a week and I do not want 3 of us STILL crammed in a single room together while another 3 sit empty for the majority of the week. The whole point of this move was to give us more space, not just DSC.

We have every intention of doing something to increase room numbers in the near future but I don't know when or how long that will take and I feel it's more important for us as a couple right now and 3yo to have our own rooms finally.

AIBU to say to DH I don't even want to entertain this idea now at the last min? I am so looking forward to getting my own space back and quite honestly feel like I'd resent being in a room all 3 of us again while another 3 sat empty nearly all week.

I just find it baffling, i'm one of three and none of us shared and my three didnt share either (oldest now moved out now). I would have hated sharing and i wouldnt put it on mine either. Especially as a teen to be fair, it sounds bloody awful!

Your not being over dramatic your looking out for your dc because his dad isn’t. I think the fact he’s willing to give his dc a room each says he doesn’t have much respect for you either. If I was you I would say if you’re not getting your own room and your dc is still going to be sleeping with you there’s no point moving. It should be him telling his kids as you are the paying adults you need your own room which means your dc is to have a room otherwise why would his kids get there own rooms for you to carry on sharing. I think he needs a reminder of who’s paying the mortgage and bills and it’s not his dc. Don’t take this crap they are only for a short time every week not 247.

Mine are over 20 but will have rooms in my house until they buy their own properties

So dh thinks its rught the dsc effectively get 2 full bedrooms each and ds gets no bedroom! Stay firm op - for 2 days a week the dss can share. Yanbu

You do realise that it's quite normal for siblings to share a room?

Wow.

They already have rooms at their mothers.

Thats very subjective. It was not normal for me or for my children. Or to be honest any of my friends children.

You realise they are their fathers children too? They presumably have clothes at their mother's so should their father not provide them? Should the mother supply the food too as they'll have that at their mothers so why have it at their fathers too 🙄

The older two are going to be there less and less and maybe not at all by the time the renovations are complete! The days of staying there as a threesome are coming to end! It will likely be rare that they all stay with dad at same time because the older two will have lives of their own to live!

Sharing will probably be an increasingly infrequent occurrence because that's what adulthood is!

Anyone who doesn’t live in a privileged bubble must know children who share a room. It’s a totally normal situation and rarely this dramatic. Was just watching sort your life out on the bbc and they created a beautiful room for a set of teenage triplets and no one suggested anyone was horrified at the idea of these boys sharing a room.

its genuinely surprising to me. And no - my kids don’t share. But plenty do their friends do, including one of my daughter’s friends who shares with her sister by choice - they have 3 bedrooms but the girls have never wanted to use the 3rd one despite it being available to them for a decade now. It’s a sort of reading and craft space for them now and they are 13/15.

also confused as to why you’d prioritise a part time 19 year old in your house over a 5 year old. Seems totally backwards.

I moved from my mum’s to my dad’s at 19 and he bought a house so there was space for me. My mum immediately downsized. I never expected either of them to have a bedroom just sitting there just in case. If things happened differently and I needed to move back to my mum’s we’d have figured it out. No need to live in anticipation of disaster.

If you are so easily baffled, perhaps you need to step outside of your sheltered life and look at how vast swathes of the population are living. Something sounding bloody awful doesn't mean it isn't the reality for many. And there isn't always the luxury of choice, as you had.

Two of these people are nearly adults they won't need a permanent bedroom each because they are no longer children! They are not going to stay with dad two days a week together when they are nearly grown up! They aren't small children and will be probably going their separate ways!

I find it odd that that people think these 3 step kids who are nearly at a stage of being at uni or in a place of their own should have 6 barely used bedrooms between them at the two houses and the OP and the 3 year old should be refused the right to have one bedroom each!

Surely its a choice to have a child you dont have room for though?! Thats what baffles me. They chose to have another knowing they had no room. And as you said in a further reply, two are almost adults and may not want to stay anymore/go away to uni/get their own place so they could have waited to have another? Then they would have had this issue 🤷🏼‍♀️

Same for me but not because it's outrageous to expect that! Plenty of kids do share but when I was growing up the families I knew had two kids and 3 bed houses, it's a bit different when you start bringing 4 kids of different ages into ykr equation. The older kids are going into adulthood, if they need on an odd occasion to sleep at parents it's going to be individually, they will need one spare bedroom not a choice of 6 assorted rooms between each house!

Yeah anymore than 3 is always going to be difficult. Thats why i said three max, plus they fit in the back of a normal car 😂

You are confusing me with someone else.

You know nothing about the reasons for why they chose to have a child when they did. Maybe it was unplanned? And before you say they could have terminated, this would be a dreadful reason. Or the OP is approaching her final years of fertility, so waiting several more years was not an option?

Apart from that, they do have space, just not as much as your idealistic scenario. I assume you are aware of how much house prices have risen in the last couple of decades?

Oh apologies that should say "as was said" not "as you said" - predictive text is great at times but not always!

Do you know what 'subjective' means?

Yes do you?

Here come the mumsnet wealthy or pretend wealthy types!

The absolute privilege to not know any kids who share, or to airily say "you should have bought a bigger house" as though op is just a careless shopper!

Mind, I sleep in the (one and only) living room so my kids can have their own rooms, but I see that as an act of sparkling maternal generosity and frequently remind them to be grateful!

OP, you are not wrong, and everyone will survive.

This entire situation is ridiculous. The DSC have a place to live at their mum's. Their dad's rooms for them is secondary and of lesser importance. Bedrooms should be allocated by need. I definitely wouldn't be moving to a bigger house and paying half the mortgage and carrying out building works to create an enormous house you simply don't need. It's DH who wants these extra rooms, for his kids.

Right now there's 4 DC and two adults. Adults get the master bedroom, because it's their bloody house! DSS get the next biggest room to share because there's two of them and they're same-sex teens. DSD and DS share the smaller room because although there's two of them and they're opposite sex, one of them is small/young. That's the sensible way of doing it.

The natural progression is that DSD stops coming overnight soon because she's becoming an adult and will be able to visit and go home again, like adults do. That then leaves DS with his own room, the smaller room because there's only one of him. DSS sharing the larger room. Parents in own room.

If you're going ahead anyway with a larger house then honestly I'd say you need to be getting something out of this arrangement. For me that would look like:
Parents having the master bedroom because that's what normal people do and it's ridiculous to buy a huge house and not give yourselves the master bedroom.
DS having the next largest room because he's there all the time and because you, his mother, is paying half the mortgage on this enormous home that you don't need.
DSS have the next biggest room to share because there's two of them.
DSD gets the smallest room because there's only one of her.

When DSD stops staying over, the youngest DSS has her room because he's younger than his brother and you have to allocate the rooms somehow. He can have the bigger room once his brother stops staying over.

Putting DS in the smallest room like some are suggesting, whilst leaving 2 or 3 (depending on the loft extension) other bedrooms empty 5 nights a week like a fucking shrine to the gods of Step-situations, sends a terrible message that DS is less important than people who aren't even there most of the time. No fucking way would I be giving my DC that message growing up under any circumstances (and paying through the nose to do it, too!).

If 'D'H said again about leaving 3yr old DS in with you still, I'd say he's just using you as a cash cow to fund housing for your DSC. He's not even bothered about privacy to have sex, when sex is of huge importance to most men. So where's the relationship then, if you're not able to live as a proper couple just because he has DC from his past marriage? If he insists on you and DS being treated like spare parts in your own home, goes into a sulk or causes a row (or anything other than apologising for being a dick upto now basically), I'd stop the purchase of new house and use my share from the old sale to purchase a two bedroom flat/house where both you and your DS can have your own rooms.

Surely its a choice to have a child you dont have room for though?! Thats what baffles me. They chose to have another knowing they had no room. And as you said in a further reply, two are almost adults and may not want to stay anymore/go away to uni/get their own place so they could have waited to have another? Then they would have had this issue 🤷🏼‍♀️

But they did have room, it just meant sharing (which has been acceptable for centuries).

And as for bedrooms for adult children, no one is suggesting they are slung out onto the street, just that they don't all need a specifically allocated bedroom in two homes, indefinitely. As long as they can use a spare room, then surely that's fine? Otherwise, six empty bedrooms would be required across two houses ..... whilst a 3yr old has to do without.

@Springtime43 but when they had a child when they were in 3 bedroom house, how would you have allocated children in that scenario?