To say this idea is stupid and to tell DH I don't want to entertain it?

[User982778]

For a bit of background...

Currently in a three bed house with me, DH, our 3 year old and 3 DSC (two DSS and one DSD).

Rooms are me, DH and 3yo in master, DSS sharing & DSD in 3rd room.

We wanted to move a while back but various things got in the way.

We have recently exchanged on a 4 bedroom house. Although of course a 5 bed would have been ideal, thete aren't a lot of 5 beds available in the area and this one has 4 decent size rooms with potential for a loft conversion or extension (which is our plan so that eventually everyone has their own room).

The idea was when we move in that everything stays the same with DSC but our child gets their own room and me and DH don't have to share anymore... finally.

However, DH keeps bringing up this week the idea that DSC all have their own rooms (this is no doubt what DSS would prefer) and we continue to share with 3 (nearly 4) year old until we do the conversion/ extension (hopefully within the next 18 months).

AIBU to say no? We are paying quite a big amount for this house as it's not a cheap area, we have been hyping up 3yo moving into his big boy room for ages because we knew the transition would be hard and honestly I just want my own damn room now!

DSC stay 2 nights a week and I do not want 3 of us STILL crammed in a single room together while another 3 sit empty for the majority of the week. The whole point of this move was to give us more space, not just DSC.

We have every intention of doing something to increase room numbers in the near future but I don't know when or how long that will take and I feel it's more important for us as a couple right now and 3yo to have our own rooms finally.

AIBU to say to DH I don't even want to entertain this idea now at the last min? I am so looking forward to getting my own space back and quite honestly feel like I'd resent being in a room all 3 of us again while another 3 sat empty nearly all week.

I feel like I have been fair up to now. I haven't demanded anyone give up a room where we are despite them being used only a couple of nights a week, because I know it was our choice to have DS, I've spent 3 years sharing with our son, having no privacy with my husband or any real space for my own things in a house I pay half the mortgage on.

I just feel it's so unfair of him to expect this from me now, AGAIN.

Move your child out of your room and into his own. Siblings share rooms all the time, it's normal.

The only alternative is that you sleep in the living room and all 4 kids have their own rooms. Which would be equally ridiculous.

It's TWO nights a week so they can share.

Your DH clearly has dad guilt over this and doesn't want it to look like the new child is taking priority over the old ones. The time to question feeling guilty would have been BEFORE choosing to have another child...

Can't you just partition one of the rooms so the two boys can have their separate space?

That would be ridiculous for 5 nights a week. I wouldn't be sharing with a 3yo for my own sanity!

It also, probably over dramatically, makes me feel protective of DS. That his own dad seemingly doesn't care about him having space in his only home so long as DSC get what they want. Rightly or wrongly it hurts.

You could always suggest you have your own room, and DH can sort out the sleeping arrangements for him and his children.

DSS1 being 15 is significant in my opinion - he’s year 10/11 (if you’re in England/Wales), and will be into A Levels before you’ve extended for another bedroom. (He may be an adult/off at university by the time you have extended, and DSD certainly will be - is there any point even doing an extension?)

I still don’t think DS should stay in your room but I understand your DH wanting exam- age children to have separate rooms. I think he needs to think creatively about how to resolve this situation - is there a desk somewhere quiet in another room of the house that DSS1 can have for studying? Can DSS2 keep his PlayStation or whatever downstairs rather than in their bedroom? Even more creatively - quickly convert garage into a study/add office shed in garden?
DS1 can move into DSD’s room when she’s off at uni or getting a job within 6 months- 2 years (even allowing for a gap year), it’s the time in between that’s awkward.

My two boys shared (by choice) until recently - I made sure to arrange the room so they didn't have to see each other when they were sleeping - so they felt a bit more separate than they were .

In a 4 bed, is there a spare room that can be the games room too - so that there's space apart elsewhere in the house? I appreciate with the age spread that's not necessarily going to make it better though.

Plus, DSD is 17 - it's not beyond possibility that she'll be moving out soon anyway - I moved out when I was 18 and never came back (because my little sister moved into my room so there was no-where for me to be anyway)

So instead of having two bedrooms that are empty 5 days a week, your DH wants to have three bedrooms that are empty 5 days a week with the three of you sharing one room? He's crazy!

How many reception rooms do you have in the new house? If there are at least two then use one as your bedroom. Then each child has their own bedroom.

I would have the DSS remain sharing but get on with the loft conversion asap.

I would be telling the boys that then sharing is only temporary and they can tell their dad to hurry up with the loft conversion.

If they were there 50/50 then it might be different but having a spare room empty for 5 days is madness.

Tell DH that the longer DS sleeps in your room, the harder it will be to get him out.

I assume he’s ok with not having sex in his own bed for a while.

Nothing ridiculous about it. We have made a dining room into a living room and using our old living room as our bedroom now. Which frees up bedrooms for 4dc. It works as it saves any costly structural changes to the property and is an immediate fix for all family members to get the space they need.

Can you post a floor plan? There might be a way you could temporarily partition off a room, even if it's just the bunk bed hack.

I often feel like he prioritises DSC over our son though. I can see that it's guilt but it hurts that he'd even consider our 3yo having no space in his own house just so DSC can have all 3 bedrooms 2 nights a week. Especially when he's finally (3yo) started to get excited about it.

He is being ridiculous

Someone posted a really good hack with IKEA storage shelves a while ago that separated a bedroom in two. There's no way you should cave, OP. The step-sons must share. You've been really nice but it's time you and DS got to enjoy the space you're paying for.

At 17, DSD will likely have moved out by the time any loft conversion is completed.

DSSs can share in the meantime, with a view to getting the conversion done asap. Then, the loft room is DSDs/spare room for guests?

I’m with you, OP.

Out of interest, are you planning on having any more children with your husband? If so, what’s his plan then?

No. Its just crazy to have 3 rooms that are only occupied 2 days a week and the have 3 people crammed in one room. You and DH need your space and a bit of privacy. DS needs his own room. I'd divide DSS room with a kallax to give them a bit if privacy.

https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/kallax-shelf-unit-white-30275861/

They can have 2 rows each.

Can you afford to spend some money by creating as much privacy as possible in the shared room. Plus consulting them on paint colour choices etc. This sort of built in divider was on a TV makeover show and looked amazing.

Bunk Bed Room Dividers - What are they, Pros/Cons, and DIY

Another option are wall hung Murphy beds that have a desk underneath that just folds flat when the bed is pulled down. Means that homework can be done at a proper desk then bed just comes down when ready.
IKEA Style Murphy Beds | Wilding Wallbeds

But if you can't afford it, standalone room dividers, strategically placed bedroom furniture and ceiling hung curtains can do wonders.

Get the boys who share a room involved in decorating their room - see if you can somehow 'divide' it so they get a little more privacy.
Whilst it's not ideal, it might help them be a bit more on board with sharing.....

No, he’s lost the plot. Not only are they not even using the rooms the majority of the time but it’s awful your son doesn’t have his own room at all! That is insanity and he needs his own space as much as you do.

2% of voters have said the OP is being unreasonable, I’d love to hear why?

@User982778 he is being unfair, to you and his youngest DC. Seperated Dad guilt seems to be a problem over and over again, can he not see that he's putting his older children in front of his youngest regardless of need? In your place I'd tell him quite frankly that yes, his older DC don't get to live with him every day, but no amount of seperate bedrooms or money compensates for that, will he feel any better if in the future his youngest says he always felt second best and pushed out?

Do they have their own rooms with their mother ? If not then what's the problem sharing. And if they do then why shouldn't your son have his own room too.? And I wouldn't give him the smallest room as tell everyone he needs to have all the toys from your bedroom there . Make your room an adult only one .

It also, probably over dramatically, makes me feel protective of DS. That his own dad seemingly doesn't care about him having space in his only home so long as DSC get what they want. Rightly or wrongly it hurts.

I don't think you're being dramatic at all.

Of course your DH is right to be mindful of potential resentment or jealousy his older children may feel knowing your DS gets to spend every night with their Dad and they only get 2 nights a week. BUT his suggestion is bonkers and suggests he is massively overcompensating. He needs to recognise that his decision making is being driven by guilt, not reason or fairness and it's making him illogical.
If he's not careful, this tendency to overcompensate could tip over into blatantly favouring your DSC and although your DS is oblivious at 3yo, he won't stay oblivious for long.

Normally i'm all for listening, compromising or trying to reach a consensus but I think you just need to put your foot down. You need, and deserve, your own space. Your DS needs to learn to sleep in a room without a parent present and the longer you leave it the harder it will be for him to adjust. Siblings of the same sex sharing a room 2 nights a week is not a hardship.