To say this idea is stupid and to tell DH I don't want to entertain it?

[User982778]

For a bit of background...

Currently in a three bed house with me, DH, our 3 year old and 3 DSC (two DSS and one DSD).

Rooms are me, DH and 3yo in master, DSS sharing & DSD in 3rd room.

We wanted to move a while back but various things got in the way.

We have recently exchanged on a 4 bedroom house. Although of course a 5 bed would have been ideal, thete aren't a lot of 5 beds available in the area and this one has 4 decent size rooms with potential for a loft conversion or extension (which is our plan so that eventually everyone has their own room).

The idea was when we move in that everything stays the same with DSC but our child gets their own room and me and DH don't have to share anymore... finally.

However, DH keeps bringing up this week the idea that DSC all have their own rooms (this is no doubt what DSS would prefer) and we continue to share with 3 (nearly 4) year old until we do the conversion/ extension (hopefully within the next 18 months).

AIBU to say no? We are paying quite a big amount for this house as it's not a cheap area, we have been hyping up 3yo moving into his big boy room for ages because we knew the transition would be hard and honestly I just want my own damn room now!

DSC stay 2 nights a week and I do not want 3 of us STILL crammed in a single room together while another 3 sit empty for the majority of the week. The whole point of this move was to give us more space, not just DSC.

We have every intention of doing something to increase room numbers in the near future but I don't know when or how long that will take and I feel it's more important for us as a couple right now and 3yo to have our own rooms finally.

AIBU to say to DH I don't even want to entertain this idea now at the last min? I am so looking forward to getting my own space back and quite honestly feel like I'd resent being in a room all 3 of us again while another 3 sat empty nearly all week.

Do not fall into the hole of making this a competition between your DS and your DSS in respect of their father. DSS have already had their lives disrupted and they only see their father 2/7. Of course he'll be trying g to make up for that.

Dont make it the issue, you risk derailing AND making yourself the bad guy

I'm not sure where I am supposed to have been privileged to not recall any friends having to share bedrooms, it wasn't something I financially benefitted from or that my parents lived in mansions! We lived on new build estates in semi detached houses crammed in like rabbit hutches although not entirely as bad as they are these days, nobody had privileged lives! All of my friends had two working parents and people were happy stopping at two kids back then! You've confused privileged with people living within their means.

So the OP even if she really desired to have a child of her own, should have been told to forget that dream because the stepkids need 6 bedrooms between the three of them with 4 of those rooms set to be used barely ever by the two near adults and one room used 2 nights a week? You think that should have been a reason to stop OP having her own baby! Jesus! They have ample room if the barely visiting stepkids share!

So the OP even if she really desired to have a child of her own, should have been told to forget that dream because the stepkids need 6 bedrooms between the three of them with 4 of those rooms set to be used barely ever by the two near adults and one room used 2 nights a week?

@FlyMeSomewhere yep, the OP should have carried on taking the pill, because step children have far more right to bedrooms that children with together parents!!!

Nonsense

The 18 will have a bedroom at mums where they already spend 5 nights a week. They seldom want to do 2 night gets at the other parents once they're 18. No need to be so dramatic!

She's got a real on at her mums too. She doesn't really need two permanently set up for her to use every now & then.

I think if I read correctly the way some posters are making out that the 3 year old should be in the parents room indefinitely while the other bedrooms are kept free for the step children, any future partners they have and future children 🙄.

Some of these replies are insane. Telling the parents that their sex life should be restricted to the living room sofa, that rhe 3 year old should keep sharing with their parents while other rooms remain unused 5 nights during the week. Absolutely bonkers. Of course the 3 year old should have their own bedroom in their own house! The other three children are teenagers and may in a few years not even be visiting as much. Having the two DSSs share a room for TWO nights a week is not a great hardship. Plenty of children do it up and down the country without being psychologically traumatised by it as many on here would have you believe!

Disagree with this.
The DH needs to be aware that his wife and youngest DC also have needs and feelings and deserve space to exist in their own home. The current optics are not good at all.

But why would they no longer want or need a room at their dad's? I appreciate that might be what pans out more often than not, but is that because dads/non primary don't keep a room for them? Plus they may fall out with their mum, a new partner may move in with her etc, lots of reasons why dad should keep space for them. I don't like to think of an 18 yo not feeling they have a home/room they're comfortable in.
I'm divorced and our adult children still stay with each parent

I think you are being unhealthy with your kids, you want them to stay by your side and keep you the centre of their world despite being adults!
I had a mortgage at 18 and never slept a night under my parents roof again.

Adults need their own space especially once they get a partner! It's not healthy for grown adults to be still taking part in shared custody rituals instead of having lives of their own! No parent needs to keep a suite of bedrooms for full grown adults! Where do you draw the line! If you have 5 kids and they have 10 kids between them, will you go and buy a 16 bed house for something that just won't happen? Set your kids free instead of making them feel that you need them to stay with you to keep you happy!

Isn’t it a bit shit that it is always the mum expected to house the adult DC not the dad (where parents are separated)

@FlyMeSomewhere have you never stayed with family when visiting, over Christmas etc

it's 2 nights a week, of course they can share. You should give your son the space he deserves, the others don't live there all the time so why do they get priority over somebody who does ?
YANBU at all, its just common sense.

Are parents just supposed to keep large houses with unused bedrooms indefinitely for the sake of adult dc visiting at Christmas?

I'm aware the step siblings are teenagers so it's not relevant now but at some point like all of us, we need to be made to stand on our own two feet. Should parents be keeping their rooms free for them in their late 20s, 30s just in case?

My own parenrs could very much do with downsizing and moving to a bungalow. It would benefit their health and free up capital for them. But they can't as my useless sibling still lives at home in his 30s and my parents are caught up in the belief that it his home too and he can live there for as long as he wants despite the fact it's holding them back and they are at the point where their health and needs should be prioritised rather than my freeloading sibling who could have moved out years ago.

I'm still so confused at the idea that parents are locked into a massive house forever just in case their fully grown adults feel like visiting for a week at Christmas. Surely this is contributing to the massive housing issue we have in this country? Elderly adults blocking young families from accessing decent sized homes in the hope/fear that their grown children might someday want or need a bedroom again?

My mum lives in a 2 bedroom flat with her dog. One bedroom is hers and one is set up as an office. We live overseas and thousands of miles away so if either me or my brother visit her we stay on an air mattress or in a hotel. And somehow we all love each other anyway.

My inlaws live in a massive ridiculous house where they raised their children. They refuse to move and it's crippling them. It's totally unsuitable for their age and is enormously stressful for them to keep it up. We only visit for a week or so every other year so for 99% of the time there are 2 people in 6 bedrooms. Totally ridiculous and quite wasteful as they are obviously heating/cooling it and looking after it. They would be much happier in a condo of some sort.

I'm still so confused at the idea that parents are locked into a massive house forever just in case their fully grown adults feel like visiting for a week at Christmas.

This practice is usually (but not always ..... ) confined to people on MN. It's less common IRL

It's quite unusual now I think to get a mortgage and never sleep at your parents' houses again, at 18.
My children have gone/will go off at 18 to live, study, and work in different cities. They will come and visit, and spend nights at both my and their dad's house. They are able to do that as they have bedrooms at both houses. I really don't understand what part of that is provoking such a response.

Yes agreed. But this part of the thread started because PP were saying DSD and DSS wouldn't need a room at their dad's any more once they were 18 and went to uni. Surely that's a bit young to say you no longer need a place to come home to?
I'd ideally keep space for mine as young adults, in case they need it (e.g. move in for 6m to save for a deposit, or relationship breakdown, redundancy, unexpected baby etc). After 25 or so yes I'd agree with you, and downsize.

I agree with this.

He probably feels guilty about his three eldest, and could be over compensating as a result.

You just need to be clear to him that his idea isn’t happening and you’re sticking to the plan!

Surely DSD will leave home in a couple of years, and so things can be revisited even if the loft extension doesn’t happen.

Of course the two of you need your own space, and soon so will the 3 yo.

He probably feels guilty about his three eldest, and could be over compensating as a result.

This is EXACTLY what's happening. Doesn't make it right though

Tell your DH that the SS will have to share until the loft conversion is done. your 3yo definitely needs his own room now.

@Tupelobound I’m not talking about 30yo. But DC who are closer to 18. It always seem to be the mums who are expected to house them until they get their own place. Dads don’t appear to need to, they just need to concentrate on their second family

Really he should be thinking about the needs of all of his children, including providing a bedroom for one who doesn't have one at all. Sharing is absolutely fine for 2 kids close in age of the same sex. I'm sure they do want their own rooms, who doesn't, they just need it explaining that DS needs a room so they'll need to keep sharing and remind them it's better than the obvious alternative - staying where you are with 3 boys in 1 room!

This does not appear to be an issue as DH is in fact advocating for 3 bedrooms - one for each of his first children so none have to share, and no bedroom for his child of second marriage.

No, and I don’t think I implied it was. Just thinking this explains why he might be acting in an illogical way.