To say this idea is stupid and to tell DH I don't want to entertain it?

[User982778]

For a bit of background...

Currently in a three bed house with me, DH, our 3 year old and 3 DSC (two DSS and one DSD).

Rooms are me, DH and 3yo in master, DSS sharing & DSD in 3rd room.

We wanted to move a while back but various things got in the way.

We have recently exchanged on a 4 bedroom house. Although of course a 5 bed would have been ideal, thete aren't a lot of 5 beds available in the area and this one has 4 decent size rooms with potential for a loft conversion or extension (which is our plan so that eventually everyone has their own room).

The idea was when we move in that everything stays the same with DSC but our child gets their own room and me and DH don't have to share anymore... finally.

However, DH keeps bringing up this week the idea that DSC all have their own rooms (this is no doubt what DSS would prefer) and we continue to share with 3 (nearly 4) year old until we do the conversion/ extension (hopefully within the next 18 months).

AIBU to say no? We are paying quite a big amount for this house as it's not a cheap area, we have been hyping up 3yo moving into his big boy room for ages because we knew the transition would be hard and honestly I just want my own damn room now!

DSC stay 2 nights a week and I do not want 3 of us STILL crammed in a single room together while another 3 sit empty for the majority of the week. The whole point of this move was to give us more space, not just DSC.

We have every intention of doing something to increase room numbers in the near future but I don't know when or how long that will take and I feel it's more important for us as a couple right now and 3yo to have our own rooms finally.

AIBU to say to DH I don't even want to entertain this idea now at the last min? I am so looking forward to getting my own space back and quite honestly feel like I'd resent being in a room all 3 of us again while another 3 sat empty nearly all week.

Oh indeed - that's super important. Otherwise if it goes to DH then he can do whatever with it and doesn't seem likely to consider all the children equally

Also bemused at the notion that I'll keep this current house 'forever' just because my children might want to move back in when they're grown up. Of course I would want to help my children if they needed it - at any age - but it's incredibly ridiculous to keep a large house when you don't actually need it. Would much rather see another family benefit from it when they actually need it instead of assuming my children will need to move back in their 30s.

I totally agree its ridiculous to keep a large house just in case children want to come back home, but on Planet StepChild you should keep a room available til they're 42, otherwise you could cause dreadful psychological damage .....

Really OP?
He found some naive women in you.
Funny how men with multiple children always do.
3 step children and your 1 child isn't even worthy of their own room.

Of course you are feeling protective of your child.
He couldn't care less.

Are you contributing to this house?
3 quarters of the house empty most of the week and you jammed into one bedroom?
Unbelievable.

You should be extremely pissed off to realise you have been suckered by him into a move that doesn't benefit you at all.

There is a type of dad with loads of children that dupes a younger childless woman into being his solvent skivvy aupair and he has one child so she feels invested.

Is that you?
Because it sure reads like it.

Are you sure you are not paying for his children?
Don't be used.

Exactly.
Constant threads on it.
Also the house being divided equally between children when the man barely paid 50/50.

So many women made complete mugs out of by men who know EXACTLY what they are doing.

Is there a downstairs room that can be a 5th bedroom until a loft conversion happens?

Fuck that OP. Knock that on the head right now. Three full-time residents squashed into own room with three sitting empty? Tell him to get therapy to deal with his guilt. Or you'll start paying 1.5/8 of the mortgage.

Tell him to get therapy for his guilt

The guilt is the root of the problem

I think this is the hill you should die on.

Arrangements definitely need to be made for the kids doing exams but that's what dining rooms are mostly used for.

What is the living space set up? Is your DH going to have a home office by any chance?

I’m downsizing to a 2 bed flat the moment I can!! ( I spent 4 months back home with my parents and kids in tow between houses and it was HORRIFIC. Not entertaining that kind of thing ever again!)

Thats all well and good for people with vast fortunes and for whom money is no object but you are talking about buying a 5 bed rather than a 4 bed house and that could take them out of budget! It's not just a few quid extra for a extra bedroom!

The 17 year old could be in a flat of his own at anytime or gone to uni especially in 18 months when the house finally gets finished, it's a bit late in life to worry about giving him his own dedicated room at 18 to 19 years of age and decorating it to his tastes and then it never gets used by him. By then the 15 year old will be older and potentially at uni etc by then. So all those bedrooms are decorated at cost to people who end up not using them and meanwhile the OP has a child of perhaps 5 by then that doesn't know how to sleep in a bedroom on his own.

@FlyMeSomewhere but technically they had too small a house to start with when they had their child together. Hence the reason the child has been in their bedroom for 3 years. What were they going to do if they didn't move? By the time they actually have enough bedrooms at least one child will likely have moved out.

That's the ideal for me, yes. I appreciate it's an ideal and not realistic for lots of people for financial reasons. But I can't get my head around planning for an 18 year old to no longer need a bedroom

Can ss sleep in your 3 year olds room when they are with you and then 3 year old in with you 2 nights a week?

The 3 year old gets their dad 7 days a week. I think your stepchild having their own space is a small compromise really so agree with DH. I also think if your 3 yo is in with you you will prioritise the loft conversion and get it done otherwise it will drag on.

You do realise that the apron strings need cutting at some point?

The renovations to give everybody a room each will take 18 months I think the OP and two of the step kids will be 17 and 19 by then, it's just a bit late in life to see the benefit of paying to decorate two rooms that two young adults by then may not ever even use. It can't be at the expense of a 3 year old having his development hindered by not moving him out of his parents room. Are you being genuine about expecting accomodation for the adults and future grandchildren! So you want the OP to have a 13 bedroomed house just in case there's a slight chance they need to accommodate all 4 children and at least perhaps up to two grandchildren per child? It's simply not realistic to give all your adult children and grandchildren a bedroom.eaxj on the exceptionally unlikely to ever happen eventually that they may need it! Do you change the decor on these unlikely to be ever to be used rooms as the grandkids get older and their tastes change! When people reach older years they often like to downsize and have more money for retirement rather than sit in a house fully of empty bedrooms just in case.

Don't forget they'll have spare bedrooms that can be used by whoever and whenever but you can't have a high number of individually allocated rooms stood there!
My partner and I put our three bed semi that we had at the time on the market in 2023 and a woman and her young adult daughter came to view it and they told us they wanted to house 5 older kids and their partners, mum, dad and three younger kids in it! Yes that's 15 people, 6 couples in a 3 bed semi! The woman enthusiastically said she hoped they would stay ans grandkids under her roof - her daughter looked her mortified! It's not healthy to live like that for anyone's relationship involved and certainly not practical - the house had a drive for one car and space on the road for another, that would have potentially been 12 cars they wanted to add to a street that had no capacity.

Exactly, it's not worth spending a fortune renovations and personalised decorating for two older teens who may never use the rooms. It seems more urgent to be to get the 3 year old in a room of his own to enable normal development and mum to have a room she can chill out in.

If he keeps bringing up his daft idea, you keep smiling....basically ignoring it.
And move into the new house and set up 3yo room exactly as YOU want it.
Nothing needs to be said or agreed upon...just do it OP.

Of course :-) I think 18 is young though to not have a bedroom at home any more.

No, I'd ideally keep their bedrooms though behind age 18. I agree the DSs should share and the younger DC have own room. I just disagree with the idea that once (if) kids go to uni at 18,they won't need a room any more. Sometimes things go wrong and they need to come home. I also don't agree that their room at their father's is less needed than at their mum's

Honestly this is so stupid I can barely bring myself to type why, but I think you know it's stupid - ignore him.

Unfortunately not the first thread on Mumsnet I've seen where I've seen people suggest the youngest child stays in with parents in perpetuity just so a stepchild doesn't have to share with a sibling.

Just bloody say no. We moved house so the child could have a bedroom. You already have a bedroom, even if it is shared with your brother, which is fine.

Kick the child out his bedroom cos his more important brother is here!!!

Zero choice of me entertaining this. How long are you meant to share with your 3 year old?! You've done well to last this long, as l know l couldn't. It's tough your step sons need to share.

Exactly this. Why add another child when they didnt have room and buy another house that still doesnt have enough rooms 🥴

It does have enough rooms! Plenty of kids share. And in this situation they're only having to share for 2 nights a week!