To say this idea is stupid and to tell DH I don't want to entertain it?

[User982778]

For a bit of background...

Currently in a three bed house with me, DH, our 3 year old and 3 DSC (two DSS and one DSD).

Rooms are me, DH and 3yo in master, DSS sharing & DSD in 3rd room.

We wanted to move a while back but various things got in the way.

We have recently exchanged on a 4 bedroom house. Although of course a 5 bed would have been ideal, thete aren't a lot of 5 beds available in the area and this one has 4 decent size rooms with potential for a loft conversion or extension (which is our plan so that eventually everyone has their own room).

The idea was when we move in that everything stays the same with DSC but our child gets their own room and me and DH don't have to share anymore... finally.

However, DH keeps bringing up this week the idea that DSC all have their own rooms (this is no doubt what DSS would prefer) and we continue to share with 3 (nearly 4) year old until we do the conversion/ extension (hopefully within the next 18 months).

AIBU to say no? We are paying quite a big amount for this house as it's not a cheap area, we have been hyping up 3yo moving into his big boy room for ages because we knew the transition would be hard and honestly I just want my own damn room now!

DSC stay 2 nights a week and I do not want 3 of us STILL crammed in a single room together while another 3 sit empty for the majority of the week. The whole point of this move was to give us more space, not just DSC.

We have every intention of doing something to increase room numbers in the near future but I don't know when or how long that will take and I feel it's more important for us as a couple right now and 3yo to have our own rooms finally.

AIBU to say to DH I don't even want to entertain this idea now at the last min? I am so looking forward to getting my own space back and quite honestly feel like I'd resent being in a room all 3 of us again while another 3 sat empty nearly all week.

Well obviously not, but they can put the child to bed and have sex in the lounge.

Or the DSS can share.

If you split up with him and he has another, younger child with another woman, would you want him to continue to try and make things as good as possible for your son when he stays with him or not?

No point in moving to a bigger house if u still share with child.

For 3yr old psychological development, they must have own room. When has play dates soon …. It will be in your room!!!! Yipes

How much longer is a 17yr old even going to want to stay?
Definitely NBU

Your husband is being ridiculous. End of

What, with 3 teenagers in the house who, presumably, are allowed to access the communal areas?

It actually wouldn’t matter at all if these were your own kids or stepsiblings - either way there’s no reason for you to share with your 3 year old. Siblings are perfectly capable of sharing bedrooms. Then you add in the part where it’s only twice a week and it sounds even more ridiculous.

In the nicest way possible - does your DH even want a relationship with you? How can he possibly be okay to share a room with your child indefinitely? Unless there’s a particularly challenging situation, this has gone on for far too long already - mostly because you don’t want it to (because of course there are many families who choose to share rooms for many reasons!)

Surely your step kids wouldn’t even suggest this once they thought about it for a minute.

I'd be wary of agreeing that 3 yr old stays with you until the conversion is done. I suspect it would keep getting put off because one or other of the DSC has exams coming up so their revision shouldn't be disrupted by building works. So you could be looking at 6 yrs+ at which point would it still be worth doing? Is he going to want to permanently keep a bedroom each so that when they are adults they would still have their own room for the occasional weekend/xmas?.

They must have their own room from a psychological perspective? What crap, he’s 3 not 13.

i find this obsession with making such young children sleep alone bizarre.

That said, if OP wants the 3yo out, then DSS should share.

I agree with you but would suggest not telling your husband that his idea is too stupid to even entertain.

You'd probably get further by talking to him about his reasons and showing sympathy for them. My best guess is that he feels guilty because his other kids have to split their time between two houses in the first place. Which could be some pretty heavy guilt. Also, his other kids are getting older so he might worry that the younger two will never get their own rooms at your house and/or that they won't want to come anymore because of it.

Either way, 18 months isn't that big of a deal, is it? I'd also consider if there's a third option that will make everybody happy, such as finishing the loft or whatever it is, at least good enough for now or splitting a larger bedroom into two for the middle kids. Good luck with it. :)

Can you split the larger room?

Why did you have a child when you didn’t really have enough space?

I expect DSS have asked him and he has panicked and said he'd discuss it with you, which he is now doing, and then he can share the weight of no, or just outright put it on you when DSS are disappointed.
But whether the boys are disappointed or not doesn't really matter. Your 3 y/o needs a space of their own and so do you!!
You can explain to DSS that you'll be extending soon and that you'll revisit the bedrooms when you have more space. Simple we that!
You aren't being unreasonable at all and no one could seriously think you are, not really.
Wishing you all the happiness in your new home 🏡 💗

For 2 nights a week absolutely nothing wrong with the 2 step sons of that age sharing

I haven't read the full thread (only OP's posts) but is there any chance he wants to keep the 3yo in your bedroom to avoid intimacy?

Of course your DS should have his own room. It’s a ridiculous suggestion that your step kids should have their own rooms, they’re only with you 2 nights a week!

Stupid idea, the kids are gonna stop coming so often soon I would imagine anyway, being teens.

Hmm… why don’t you suggest to your DH that you feel increasingly uncomfortable having any kind of intimacy in the same room as DS3, as he gets older and more aware…

Assuming they have their own rooms at Mum's house, why not try reframing it to your DH, ie, the SC all have their own rooms at their Mum's house 5 nights of the week, and now you want to give them their own rooms here too? How can you possibly even think this is right, when your other son, has ZERO rooms ANYWHERE, EVER?

I think framing it like this really should make your DH realise that what he's planning on doing, is incredibly unfair on your joint son. If he doesn't agree after you've put it to him this way, then just say again, 'So you want YOUR children to have their own rooms 7 nights a week, where as OUR son, gets his own room ZERO nights a week, and you still expect ME to pay HALF the mortgage? Sorry DH, but you've lost the plot if you think I'm going to allow this!'

Why? I shared with my younger sister until I moved out at 19!

I don't understand this idea that children have to have their own rooms. Two kids sharing is fine.

@Doggymummar they will probably stop coming sooner if they still have to share

To me, it’s not just him prioritising his older kids over your joint younger kid, it’s him prioritising his older kids over you.
You should matter. You should deserve your own adult space.
You live there permanently - this is important to you on a day to day basis.
It’s your one home.

In a year won’t DSD be at uni?

Having the permanent residents crammed into one bedroom of a 4 bed house is ridiculous. But I would consider giving the two sharing boys the biggest room. They won't be sharing a bed like you and your husband, so would benefit from the extra space more. It is a fact of life that rooms often need to be shared. My kids do.

Don't be ridiculous! Presumably OP and her DH bought the house they could afford at the time of purchase and made the best arrangement they could for the three children who are only there for TWO nights a week.