DH and MIL blindsided me with weekend away - was I wrong to kick off

[BeccaBoo9]

I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum) and have found it extremely challenging but rewarding too. It has strained mine and DH’s relationship slightly in terms of the sleepless nights but we expected that and no one has crossed the line in terms of comments.

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.

I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

We’ve had several rows about it this week, I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out so I don’t have a clue where he is now (the pub, probably)

This breaks my heart OP. How incredibly selfish of your DH. Not to be crude but if he is sexually frustrated then there is a simple solution he can employ to get him through this time. I get so upset and angry that there is this sense of women just snapping back in every emotional and physical sense after having a baby. You have grown his child, given birth and are keeping a little life alive. If him and MIL really want to help you they would be letting you rest, making meals, making your life easier. What they have done here is pretty unforgivable and immature in my opinion. You are right to be angry.

Oh never mind I see someone else already asked!

I don't know your parents, or OPs MIL but these "little treats" strike me as selfish acts so that grandparents can have time with the baby, rather than genuinely for the mother's benefit.

This! Your "D"H is a dick.

Op has has said up thread nope it's not her.

So the two things you'd told him you weren't ready for and he foisted both of them on you with the help of his mother. Shame on the both of them. What a pair of idiots.

I love the idea of pretending you've booked him something he'd hate, and telling him he's an ungrateful bastard when he refuses.

Unfortunately not!! If I knew how to find and link threads then I would!

Yanbu, but I am glad you stood your ground. You set a perfectly reasonable and understandable boundary, people like to shame women for doing this but your child will only benefit from your example

First post nails it.

This reminds me of a recent thread where some arsehead complained to his mother that he wasn’t getting any sex and she (MIL) took the OP (her DIL) out to a lingerie shop to ‘help things along’ 🤮

Call me cynical but I suspect this whole arrangement suited both of them - he wanted to prioritise his libido and MIL wanted your child alone for the night. YADNBU!

The thread I was referring to the DH got the mil to take the dw lingerie shopping and turns out it was very awkward for the Dw for obvious reasons.

Here is the MIL lingerie shopping thread. The DH’s sister was in on it, too.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5318641-awkward-shopping-trip-with-mil

I am literally dying of cringe about these grown ass adult men going to their mummies for “help” with their sex lives 😩😩 nah.

No OP, YANBU. Nothing would turn me off more.

Skimpy outfit/hanky panky aside. You made it quite clear you weren’t ready to be away from baby overnight which is perfectly reasonable and a huge step (of course some mums are happy to leave baby overnight soon, some aren’t there’s no right or wrong it’s your choice) and you were strong armed into it them made out to be the bad guy. I would be livid

I remember that one too the MIL suggested something that covered her stomach because the DH had told his mother that the reason he was getting any was that his wife didn’t like her stomach after having the baby…
OP you are not being at all unreasonable, you had already said you weren’t ready and they pressured you to go.
A meal out for an hour or two is totally different to a night away, and instead of packing you some lovely bubble bath, maybe some chocolates and a good book so you could catch up on some rest, if you had decided to stay, he packed a ‘sexy’ piece of nightwear…. Grim.

He's a selfish sod and his mummy is desperate to be involved by 'helping' so has jumped at the chance. I'd be absolutely furious that they'd planned it together and sickened that he's bleating to her about your sex life. I'd set boundaries with her immediately that you will not be leaving baby until you choose and you won't hear a word about it again and with him...I'd struggle to get past it.

I could cry for you Op. That was just such a shitty thing to do by both of them. I wouldn't blame you if you never felt like having sex with him again.

Is this real, do people actually behave like this? ( there is another thread about MIL lingerie shopping). Stop the planet i want to get off

Great summary!

Ask your dad to take your OH out for a night to get a prostitute/escort!

This.

So having sex is more important to him than your comfort, and your new born comfort? I presume the baby is 3 months or less by your post but even if older, you have a say in when you leave them and shouldn't be ambushed! Also, his mum must be privy to some private information about your intimacy which is gross in the extreme.

You're still postpartum, it's completely normal not to have the energy or urge to be intimate. I read alot of these threads and cant believe how common it is :( for him to escalate things to this dramatic ambush wrapped up as a treat for you, disrespecting your feelings and your need to be with your baby, who also needs you close, is reprehensible.

So he essentially wanted sex and this was his way of getting it. What a hideous move.

I think in your shoes OP, I would have said 'Thank you MIL, it's very thoughtful of you to have paid for us to have a weekend away, but unfortunately, you son has clearly neglected to tell you that I am nowhere near ready to leave my baby yet, so I'm afraid you'll have to either make use of the hotel yourself, or accept that you should have checked with ME first!! Then walked out and gone to my bedroom.

As for your husband, I can't believe how stupid and selfish he was to do that, but I sure as hell would be making him wait MUCH longer before resuming a sex life with him, after this. If he complains, tell him that's what his right hand is for!!

I rarely swear, but WTF?

Yanbu at all. His mum and him sound awful