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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward shopping trip with MIL

395 replies

Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 11:45

I feel a bit awkward about a shopping trip I had with my MIL yesterday.

I gave birth 7 months ago, my DH was initially understanding in the first few months that I didn’t want to be intimate but he has become more frustrated recently.

My body has changed and I feel uncomfortable with my stomach. We’d been in a few shops and MIL suggested we visited a lingerie store. She pointed out a few outfits which would cover my stomach and said that ‘I’m sure DH would appreciate it, he has been working hard and you two deserve some alone time’.

When I got home I asked DH if he was aware she was going to do this and he said yes.

AIBU to find this really uncomfortable and inappropriate?

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 20/04/2025 11:49

He sent your mum in as his surrogate to tell you you need to cover up your post-pregnancy stomach with sexy underwear??!

Fuck him.
Fuck his mum.

You need strong words with him and get his mum to keep her beak out. None of her business.

NinaOakley · 20/04/2025 11:50

Really intrusive and inappropriate of him to have discussed it with her and for her to get involved! It’s his job to support you and help you feel confident. Then he might get laid! Getting mummy to help is highly unattractive!

consider sending him back to her if he can’t have a relationship without her!

FearistheMindKillerr · 20/04/2025 11:51

Yack!

LoafofSellotape · 20/04/2025 11:51

Omg that's awful!! Fuck them both as pp said, absolutely outrageous!

Facecream24 · 20/04/2025 11:52

I find this really weird and inappropriate. Not much more to say, I’m not sure how I’d deal with it in your situation but would definitely be avoiding shopping trips with her in the future and would somehow try to address with him how inappropriate it is for him to be discussing this with her.

Hoppinggreen · 20/04/2025 11:53

So your DH either sent or agreed to his mother encouraging you to get some sexy undies to have sex with him?
That is one of the least sexy things I have ever heard of but I would have been tempted to buy them , wear them and give a very full an detailed description of his Mum choosing them (and his Mum in general) every time I did.
Why is MIL invested in yoru sex life? Its weird

Olika · 20/04/2025 11:54

Well I would not be having sex with my DH any time soon after that stunt. It would be such a mood killer for me. Yack!

pinkyredrose · 20/04/2025 11:55

Omg he's been talking to his mother about not getting his end away! Fuck that!

Has he shared private stuff before? Makes you wonder what else he's telling her.

I'd be reading him the riot act.

SwanOfThoseThings · 20/04/2025 11:55

You should have said "Yes, those would really suit DH, let's see if they have his size."

Original poster
Harriett9 · 20/04/2025 11:57

Thanks ladies, I’m glad I’m not going mad.

It was also annoying that she guessed my size as too big.

I didn’t buy anything.

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 20/04/2025 11:57

I would find that very inappropriate. He and his mother can surely just get to fuck. Tell him that.

Oh, and go shopping on your own. I am always a lone shopper and it is bliss not having to listen to or please anyone else. Leave baby with DH or MIL (if you are comfortable leaving them with her) and just go. Do a bit of shopping, have a peaceful coffee and cake, no wanky comments from either of them.

romdowa · 20/04/2025 11:57

I'd clamp shut forever more after that. Talk about the ick

PowderRoom · 20/04/2025 11:57

I’d have been tempted to strangle her with the straps of a red lace basque.

And then go home with a ball gag for DH,

Ugh.

ThejoyofNC · 20/04/2025 11:58

MasterBeth · 20/04/2025 11:49

He sent your mum in as his surrogate to tell you you need to cover up your post-pregnancy stomach with sexy underwear??!

Fuck him.
Fuck his mum.

You need strong words with him and get his mum to keep her beak out. None of her business.

I disagree, please don't fuck this creep.

That's beyond unacceptable OP.

edwinbear · 20/04/2025 12:02

He’s been moaning to his mum about your sex life, and thought the solution to that, was to send you shopping with your MIL for sex underwear? 😳 Was she comfortable in this weird scenario?! I cannot imagine a conversation with my MIL about shagging her son - and I’m very close to her. YANBU.

Candles88 · 20/04/2025 12:04

This is so bad it is almost funny. What on earth was he thinking? What on earth was she thinking?! What kind of mother tries to support their son’s sex life?

Honestly I think I’d leave the relationship. I don’t think I’d be able to continue. I hope you manage to work it out and nothing like this ever happens again.

doodleschnoodle · 20/04/2025 12:04

Eww.

EasterBunnyFeelingFunny · 20/04/2025 12:04

Yuck I can't imagine a lot that's worse than my MIL getting involved in my sex life!

What a specimen of man you've got yourself there @Harriett9...not sure I could get over the immense ick that would have given me.

Blackdow · 20/04/2025 12:04

He told his mum to take tell you to have sex with him. That’s what it boils down to.

I don’t agree with the previous poster who said he told her to buy you clothes which cover your post baby body. He isn’t the one with the issue with your body, he doesn’t want it covered up. You have an issue with your new body and he probably thinks that you’d be more comfortable if you could keep your stomach covered. I think that’s the only part of this that isn’t gross; he was thinking about trying to make you feel more comfortable and thought if you had new underwear that covered you, then you wouldn’t feel as self conscious.

Please don’t misunderstand me; he was wrong. It’s all so totally wrong. He told his mum about your sex life, then he told her about your insecurities, then organised for her to take you lingerie shopping for things which would cover your stomach in the hopes you’d wear it and then feel comfortable to have sex with him. He didn’t sit down and talk to you like an adult and find a way through this, he arranged for his mum to make this really awkward situation.

It was all wrong. But, the underlying issue… you won’t have sex with your husband. He didn’t agree to a sexless marriage and no one should stay in one unless it’s a choice they have made. That doesn’t really apply yet as you’ve just had a baby so it’s not that situation, but you don’t want it to become that situation. How is intimacy otherwise? Are you working back towards being close together again? Is there touching and kissing and kindness and everything else? It is a problem and it does need to be addressed for a happy marriage, you can’t expect him to simply accept this and carry on without a word. That doesn’t mean have sex with him. It means communication and finding a way for you both to be comfortable and for things to start back up again in some way, or you may be having a very different discussion in a year’s time.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 20/04/2025 12:05

Ugh, just ugh.
I hate the word "grim" but it is entirely appropriate here
I am sorry OP. Your "D"H is an arse.

FOJN · 20/04/2025 12:05

WTF that is so inappropriate. He's been discussing your lack of interest in sex with his mother? That would give me the ick, I could never have sex with that man again. And what's wrong with her? What kind of mum gets involved in her child's sex life?

This is so far outside the norm I cannot believe this is the only example of non existent boundaries you've seen.

Her guessing you size incorrectly is the least of your worries so don't get hung up on that.

I'd read him the riot act and embarrass the hell out his mum by asking her if she's always taken such a keen interest in her son's sex life.

BangersAndGnash · 20/04/2025 12:05

That was out of order, no wonder you feel inappropriate.

BUT… our bodies do not have to be picture perfect according to outside standards. We never need to have sex we feel uncomfortable with, but you deserve to feel proud of your body, what it has done, and it would be a shame if you let self consciousness interfere with your relationship.

B1indEye · 20/04/2025 12:06

What is your relationship like that you need to ask strangers if it's inappropriate? How is there any doubt?

LushLemonTart · 20/04/2025 12:08

Yuck. What have I just read?

Sassybooklover · 20/04/2025 12:09

OMG! I would have been mortified! Your MIL was hardly subtle about it either. Clearly your husband has spoken to his Mum about the lack of sex, and asked her to intervene or she took it upon herself. This is highly inappropriate, and I would be so angry with my husband if he did this. It's hardly going to want you to have sex with him. He should be understanding and be complimentary towards you. Your MIL babysitting would have been better, so he could have taken you out for dinner.