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Original poster

DH and MIL blindsided me with weekend away - was I wrong to kick off

338 replies

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 20:47

I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum) and have found it extremely challenging but rewarding too. It has strained mine and DH’s relationship slightly in terms of the sleepless nights but we expected that and no one has crossed the line in terms of comments.

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.

I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

We’ve had several rows about it this week, I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out so I don’t have a clue where he is now (the pub, probably)

OP posts:
MyLittleNest · 09/05/2025 21:59

This is grossly insensitive and disrespectful of your DH. He isn't hearing your expressed wishes or feelings, or at least, he doesn't want to listen.

Your MIL's role in all of this is a little less straight-forward to me, but just as wrong as she went along with blindsiding you. Contrary to the story your husband may try to spin, this was not a surprise or a treat for you--this was ALL about him and HIS needs.

The fact that we were on it together is really hurtful. How much behind the scenes planning went into this conspiracy? It's downright creepy.

I'd keep some distance from MIL for a good while. As for your husband--I'd never have another child with him.

Inbloom123 · 09/05/2025 22:01

They both behaved like complete idiots. Your husband is awful for calling you a cow. Completely unacceptable!

MoominMai · 09/05/2025 22:01

So essentially he staged a sort of intervention and jumped OP with the help of his mother making it impossible to turn it down which he did because he knew she didn’t want to be away from baby yet. OP uses her voice and tells him she’s unhappy and wants to go back after meal but even though she’s clearly distressed he still wants to ‘gift’ her an outfit for the night so telling her he expects sex. It turned my stomach so much reading this. So sorry OP you have such an unsympathetic DH when you’re feeling so vulnerable ♥️

thepariscrimefiles · 09/05/2025 22:02

Your DH sound absolutely horrible for calling you an ungrateful cow. As for your MIL, the fact that she colluded with her son to arrange this utter shit show of a 'treat' so that she could have your baby for the night and your DH could have sex makes me feel nauseous so god knows how you are feeling.

Sassybooklover · 09/05/2025 22:03

OMG! If your husband had said, 'Mum has come over to babysit for a couple of hours, so we can go to a nice restaurant on our own', I'd have thought 'Aww that's thoughtful, a break and some couple time'. Instead your husband ropes his Mum into organising a night away, not for your benefit, but so he could have sex!! To then add insult to injury, he buys you some lingerie that's too small, whilst knowing your body confidence has been knocked. Jesus! How clueless and stupid can two people honestly be??? You have every right to be bloody livid. Both knew you weren't keen on leaving your baby, but decided you shouldn't have a choice. It's very very normal for a woman who's recently given birth, not wanting to leave their baby. It's hormones and our inbuilt maternal instinct, that wants to protect and have baby close. It shouldn't be this difficult for someone to understand. You need to speak to your husband, when you're both calmer. Tell him exactly what you need from him and what you feel.

PinkBobby · 09/05/2025 22:04

I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that situation, OP. No one gets to decide when you’re ready to leave your baby except you. A meal could’ve been a really nice gesture to reconnect (EMOTIONALLY) if you were ready but the surprise overnight stay and the stupid outfit show that your husband is not at all aware of what almost every woman wants post partum: to be listened to and supported.

If I were you, I’d let your husband know that this was an absolutely massive f up and he needs to do some serious thinking about how to actually support and connect with you post partum. He can act like it was a nice treat for you but you specifically said that wasn’t something you wanted to do. It was a totally selfish act (and just bizarre that it was plotted with his mum).

Of course you aren’t the problem: I know it’s hard not to question yourself, especially when you’re just weeks into being a new mum but you know what you want/what feels right for you and that’s what you need to follow right now. Prioritise your mental health. I know it might not feel like it so soon after having your baby but becoming a mum can be so empowering. Don’t let him make you feel bad/upset. He messed up. Calmly and directly tell him that you can tell him plenty of ways he could really show you he loves you whilst you are navigating one of the hardest transitions in life instead of a night away. Say that when you’re ready to leave your DC, you’ll let him know and he should assume until then that any plans will be for the three of you. And if he is missing you (which is very possible and something to think about- I know dads can feel a little third wheel-ish early on), you are happy to figure how you can do that and both feel happy and relaxed. It’s his first time being a dad too (as far as I can tell from your post) so I know it’s a massive fail but don’t lose all hope just yet - fingers crossed he soon figures out that having a baby changes things, at least for a while, and it’s not all about him.

2catsandhappy · 09/05/2025 22:05

Oh dear God.
What a knob.
You will leave your baby, when you are ready to.
You will have a night away when you feel ready to.
You will wear something you feel great in, when you are ready to.

Utter utter knob.

Namerchangee · 09/05/2025 22:08

Urgh. I hate this for you OP. Being trussed up like a turkey when you just want to be home in comfort with your baby. Your DH and his Mum are grim. They should be apologising to you.

MrsKeats · 09/05/2025 22:13

Knittedfairies2 · 09/05/2025 20:48

Your husband and his mother are idiots.

First post nails it. What has your husband been saying to your mil op?
So gross.

AthWat · 09/05/2025 22:14

Surprises are a pain in the arse at the best of times, but this is fucking ridiculous.

Original poster
BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 22:14

PinkBobby · 09/05/2025 22:04

I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that situation, OP. No one gets to decide when you’re ready to leave your baby except you. A meal could’ve been a really nice gesture to reconnect (EMOTIONALLY) if you were ready but the surprise overnight stay and the stupid outfit show that your husband is not at all aware of what almost every woman wants post partum: to be listened to and supported.

If I were you, I’d let your husband know that this was an absolutely massive f up and he needs to do some serious thinking about how to actually support and connect with you post partum. He can act like it was a nice treat for you but you specifically said that wasn’t something you wanted to do. It was a totally selfish act (and just bizarre that it was plotted with his mum).

Of course you aren’t the problem: I know it’s hard not to question yourself, especially when you’re just weeks into being a new mum but you know what you want/what feels right for you and that’s what you need to follow right now. Prioritise your mental health. I know it might not feel like it so soon after having your baby but becoming a mum can be so empowering. Don’t let him make you feel bad/upset. He messed up. Calmly and directly tell him that you can tell him plenty of ways he could really show you he loves you whilst you are navigating one of the hardest transitions in life instead of a night away. Say that when you’re ready to leave your DC, you’ll let him know and he should assume until then that any plans will be for the three of you. And if he is missing you (which is very possible and something to think about- I know dads can feel a little third wheel-ish early on), you are happy to figure how you can do that and both feel happy and relaxed. It’s his first time being a dad too (as far as I can tell from your post) so I know it’s a massive fail but don’t lose all hope just yet - fingers crossed he soon figures out that having a baby changes things, at least for a while, and it’s not all about him.

He has an older child from a previous relationship when he was quite young. He tells me how their sex life resumed almost immediately to which I replied that’s great but I’m not a young 20 something who had a straight forward birth.

OP posts:
Littlejellyuk · 09/05/2025 22:14

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 20:47

I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum) and have found it extremely challenging but rewarding too. It has strained mine and DH’s relationship slightly in terms of the sleepless nights but we expected that and no one has crossed the line in terms of comments.

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.

I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

We’ve had several rows about it this week, I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out so I don’t have a clue where he is now (the pub, probably)

I have just rtft and here's my take on this.
Can anyone remember the episode in the Simpsons, where Homer gifts Marge a bowling ball, and it was actually for him? 🎳
He was that selfish, and he didn't buy her something that she would actually like? It was all self serving?
Well this set up REEKS OF THAT!!! YOUR HUBBY IS AN ABSOLUTE TWAT 💯
I'm so sorry, but i have never swore to myself so much on a Friday night, and MY BLOOD BOILS reading this. You poor woman!

Two separate issues at play here:

  1. Intimacy, as you need time to build up confidence.
  2. Don't feel ready to leave DC with someone overnight yet.

So, in terms of intimacy, I read:
I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum)

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing

Then in terms of leaving the baby overnight:
One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going.

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

Then the result was:
I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out

He has basically gone behind your back and confided in his mum, about your lack of sex life. Ick, ick, ick!
Then both he and your MIL have arranged for her to 'surprise you' with a break away.
Then he gives you an outfit that he likes, but under normal circumstances (pre-pregnancy) you would not of worn anyway.

So you are PRESSURED TO LEAVE YOUR BABY and she benefits by having her grandchild overnight. 😫
Next up he tries it on with the slag-wear, and gets rebuffed, and you are supposed to be grateful that all of this has been done for your benefit? 🤢

NOPE.
YANBU.
PAIR OF VILE TWATS 💯
You were not blind sided, but bloody steam rollered by a pair of selfish bricks.
DO NOT let them talk their way out of this shite by saying it was all for you, like they're some altruistic angels. NOPE!
She wanted to play house.
He wanted to get his end away.
Wankers.

doodleschnoodle · 09/05/2025 22:16

Ah another sex pest husband and over-involved MIL thread. Tell them both to piss off.

S0j0urn4r · 09/05/2025 22:17

So gross! And they say romance is dead...

MrsKeats · 09/05/2025 22:18

Ok now it's even worse.
He is comparing his ex to you after birth.
How is that ok? It's vile.

TheMVPSTurningmyheartbeatup · 09/05/2025 22:19

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 22:14

He has an older child from a previous relationship when he was quite young. He tells me how their sex life resumed almost immediately to which I replied that’s great but I’m not a young 20 something who had a straight forward birth.

Show quote history

All that happened with his previous partner is immaterial.
Your your own person
You do things at your pace not anyone else's.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/05/2025 22:20

I'd have been LIVID.

How DARE they.

Glad you came home. Your husband is an utter prick for calling you an ungrateful cow. This plan was purely for HIS benefit, not for yours. He's a selfish prick. I'd have my radar up with the pair of them from now on.

JIMER202 · 09/05/2025 22:20

This is actually disgusting. As a boy mother there’s no way in fuck I’d do this to any future DILs! She sounds like a complete moron too but I’d be FUMING at your stupid husband. How dare he fuck off to the pub on a Friday and leave you to do all the childcare. I’d take yourself out at some point this weekend and leave him to put baby to bed, he won’t cope I bet! The part where it sounds like they worked together so he could get laid is so disgusting it makes me want to hurl. He’s a manipulative prick for acting like you were ungrateful about a trip you didn’t want to do and being treated like you owe him sex. Ick ick ick!

Endofyear · 09/05/2025 22:22

No, you're not wrong and he is an idiot. You don't have to leave your little one overnight until you feel good and ready. He and his mother were extremely unwise to try and railroad you - I doubt you'll be wanting her to babysit after this!

JIMER202 · 09/05/2025 22:23

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 22:14

He has an older child from a previous relationship when he was quite young. He tells me how their sex life resumed almost immediately to which I replied that’s great but I’m not a young 20 something who had a straight forward birth.

Show quote history

He’s a cunt for this. An absolute cunt. He has no idea what having a baby can do to one’s self image, lack of sleep killing sex drive etc. I have had sex maybe 3 times since my 16m old was born and my husband has been understanding. THAT is what you deserve! A few months PP both times I will still recovering from birth and healing. I suggest he gets a vasectomy and you then pressure him for sex!

daffodil2025 · 09/05/2025 22:24

This is absolutely horrendous @BeccaBoo9. To be pressuring you like this for sex is not ok and is not going to make you feel in any way ready any time soon. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this.

It’s also totally normal to not want to leave your children overnight for years and only then with someone you really trust. Your feelings are all totally valid and you are 100% not being unreasonable at all.

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/05/2025 22:25

Ugh... I hope you let him read this thread.

He's an absolute, selfish, cock-centred arsehole.

What on EARTH is sexy, romantic, loving.... about forcing someone to have sex with you through guilt and bullying.

And he conspired with his fucking mother to achieve this goal. What a prize example of humanity he is!

Would he really be happy to be grinding away whilst you lie there feeling uncomfortable, used, in pain and miserable? Really?

His cock is more important than you are. That is what this says.

Someone2025 · 09/05/2025 22:25

Knittedfairies2 · 09/05/2025 20:48

Your husband and his mother are idiots.

Agree
Sounds like the man child is discussing his love life with his mother …..ridiculous

godmum56 · 09/05/2025 22:25

candycane222 · 09/05/2025 20:49

Book him something he doesn't want (crochet lessons? A full body wax?) and call him an ungrateful bastard when he turns it down.

my vote goes to the body wax. Your husband discusses his sex life with his mummy??????? ick!

nopineapplepizza · 09/05/2025 22:27

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 22:14

He has an older child from a previous relationship when he was quite young. He tells me how their sex life resumed almost immediately to which I replied that’s great but I’m not a young 20 something who had a straight forward birth.

Show quote history

He used the actions from his FAILED relationship with the mother of his first DC as evidence of what you should be emulating now to make your relationship work; is he thick?

He treated his first coparent in a way that made her never want to have sex with him again, clearly because the relationship ended, and presumably they’ve never had sex again 🙄

So you can add stupid to his list of attributes, and as for his wanna-be pimp of a mother; WTAF was she thinking??